Coping with a parent that's "fading"

[HappyCurmudgeon]

My parents were in town this weekend to visit and for the first time I can really tell my Dad is fading. He's in a lot of physical pain getting around, getting up, sitting down, his legs are in bad shape. In the last 5-6 years as his hip and his legs went he lost his the ability to do his favorite activity (bowling) and now in his mid-late 70s I talk to him and I just feel like he's trying to put on a brave face but as his son I can sense it's mentally starting to beat him up. Even though we only live about 200 miles apart, I know that he probably can't make the drive again.

I've been blessed. My parents haven't had any major sicknesses. My dad has been retired for over 25 years, married for over 40, he has traveled a lot, he's seen a lot and he's lived a great honest life. He's my best friend and my hero and I wish there was something I could do for him and I just don't know what. He's everything a great man can be -- smart, upfront, incredibly stubborn and determined to make sure he leaves my Mom with enough so she doesn't have to struggle.

So I'm just curious, whether you've lost a parent or both parents or you are like me and seeing one that's fading. How do you deal mentally and emotionally? I can't even fathom to think about my life without my father.

 

[Moderator1]

My parents died when I was young - my biggest fear as I get older is fading and becoming a burden to my kids. My son is all, "You wiped my ass for three years, I can take care of y0u for a while." But no way I want that, he has a young family and a fairly new house and is just starting out.

I want to live a while longer and then BOOM, die.

Good luck to you and your dad. My former father-in-law, with whom I remain close, is 88 now and starting to fade a bit. You can see it in subtle ways, though he still lives alone and basically does OK. I know my ex is worried about it and the kids have noticed.

Aging sucks. And I realize I didn't answer your question, I'm not sure there IS a good answer.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Sorry to hear about your dad’s troubles. But just acknowledging what a great life he’s lived and what he has meant to you over the years is a good first step toward accepting what may come.

My dad died two years ago, and I was crushed. He had been fading for a few years, but tried to keep it from us because he didn’t want us to worry. And truth be told, there’s not much we could’ve done anyway.

My wife wrote his obituary, and I wrote and delivered his eulogy. Doing that really helped us all crystallize just how much living he did in his life. As I said the day of his funeral, knowing how many lives he touched and how many corners of the world he saw made it hard to be too sad.

I feel cheated that he was taken so relatively young, but still, we did A LOT of living while he was here.

Hoping for the best for your dad (and you).

 

[tapintoamerica]

Start going through old photos. Put together a slide show. That’s for starters. It won’t reverse the decline, but it will help you focus on the good memories.

Tell him all the things you appreciate about him that you couldn’t grasp as a kid.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Tell him all the things you appreciate about him that you couldn’t grasp as a kid.

A million times, this.

I keep doing things with my kids that my dad did with me, and telling them why, and I’d love to be able to tell my dad that all the work he did when I was young sunk in and wasn’t for naught.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

My parents died when I was young - my biggest fear as I get older is fading and becoming a burden to my kids. My son is all, "You wiped my ass for three years, I can take care of y0u for a while." But no way I want that, he has a young family and a fairly new house and is just starting out.

I want to live a while longer and then BOOM, die.

Good luck to you and your dad. My former father-in-law, with whom I remain close, is 88 now and starting to fade a bit. You can see it in subtle ways, though he still lives alone and basically does OK. I know my ex is worried about it and the kids have noticed.

Aging sucks. And I realize I didn't answer your question, I'm not sure there IS a good answer.

Moddy, there is no answer, really.

Make sure he has all his affairs in order. With any luck, it won't need to be done in an expedient manner that one might need with someone in hospice, etc., but whatever can be arranged and discussed in advance makes some issues down the road a little easier.

How to deal emotionally and mentally, HappyCurmudgeon? Be there for him. It will suck. There are times you might wonder what you're doing there. You will probably lose perspective from time to time. Hopefully, you won't.

It's a case-by-case basis. FWIW, we have a member of the family who has been in medicine. That is, she is usually objective. There are times I caught her being a wife instead of an objective observer. Doesn't say much, other than emotions and life get in the way. Always kind of works like that.

Roll with the punches. Be there for him. Not sure what else to say that might be helpful.

Good luck. Vent here if you need to. Take care ...

 

[HappyCurmudgeon]

There's definitely no right answer or wrong answer. As different as all of our backgrounds are we can all relate to some things and share experiences. I appreciate anyone who shares their experience or just drops a line. It's something I never wanted to think about dealing and I'm sure none of us want to think about it so I really appreciate it.

 

[qtlaw]

My dad (step dad but my dad for now 44 years) is now 84. He was an electrician for 40 years and he was the toughest dude I've ever been around. He literally built the house I lived in from 13-18 from the raw ground up using mail order plans. One time, probably 25 years ago, he was using the compression nail gun outside and walked in like normal and told my mom "hey babe we need to go to the hospital", he had shot a nail through his thumb nail!! No emotion out of him, nothing. He used to wrestle refrigerators up two stories himself. Never played sports, too busy with rentals, building our house, making a living. Closest was we would go bowling as a family once a few years, but dammit he was always there to drive me to practice/a game and pick me up. About 20 years ago we fully restored a '66 Mustang Conv from the ground up, that was pretty damn fun to do with him, I'd go out to the house on the weekends and work on it.

Anyways, nowadays he's been physically fading for the past 10 years. He had a gall bladder infection about 3 years ago and it really knocked the wind out of him physically, he had to undergo several operations. Today, he's a bit stooped, a little shake here and there, I slow down and walk with him while everyone else walks normal speed.

But he's still there mentally. And he walks to get his mocha every day about 1/2 mile (sometimes takes the bus back). IMHO I just find comfort knowing his mind is still there. I still remember when he was that tough guy, but nowadays don't focus on what he's not, but on what he can still do.

 

[outofplace]

To me, that is the important part. Focus on what parts of them are still with you. If your parent's mind is still sharp to the end, that is a gift. Just be there for them. If their body is failing, they need those connections more now than ever.

In the end, as others have said, there really is no right answer to dealing with things like this emotionally. Some of it is focusing on things that need to done, such as making sure their affairs are in order. Some of it is simply engaging with them as much as possible, even when the way they are failing physically makes that more difficult. When your parents are gone, you're not going to regret spending too much time with them, but you could damn sure end up wishing you had been with them more.

One more thing that often helps me is to write about what is going on, even if you never show anyone what you wrote. Getting those thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto the page can help. It helped me through the deaths of my parents. More recently, there was a problem with the headstone on my mother's grave. She's buried in Pittsburgh and we don't live there anymore. We were told the stone would be in place by a certain date, so we had someone check. It wasn't there. He sent us a picture of the grave with no stone. I can't even begin to describe my reaction when I saw that picture. It is truly best for all involved that I was not in the same state with the person responsible at that moment. I remember finding the time to write about that moment first seeing the picture and all it represented. Writing helped.

 

[tapintoamerica]

Buy some five-pound or eight-pound weights (or perhaps lighter) and encourage him to lift them between innings of a baseball game or during the numerous and interminable commercial breaks in a college football game. Strength maintenance is often more important to the elderly than we realize.

Also: crossword puzzles have been shown to help slow mental decline. Crosswords or other word games often helped my dad have good days.

 

[jr/shotglass]

If you should lose a parent, be especially vigilant about the other one who remains. They've lost their closest person at an age where they're probably losing many of their closest friends. It can make for a feeling of resignation. Do what you can to make sure they understand they still have a support system.

 

[2muchcoffeeman]

I can’t prove this, but I have become convinced that Aricept not only doesn’t do anything to help fight against Alzheimer’s but actually makes the mental decline worse. I feel like my mother’s gotten much worse since the doctor put her on Aricept, and I wasn’t particularly impressed with it a decade or more ago when it was prescribed for my grandmother under the same circumstances.

 

[WriteThinking]

If he can't make the drive to you, well, you make the drive to see him.

Spend time with him/them, because once they're gone, they're gone, and you can never do it again.

Whoever said growing old is not for sissies had it right.

My dad always said that whoever called that time the golden years must have been 30 years old. And now, my mom says the same thing all the time.

 

[playthrough]

I lost my dad a little over a year ago. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in May 2018 and died in late September. I was taking a very linear approach to his illness: he was scheduled to have six months of chemo, so he would just do that and then we'd see what would happen, right? I never really let my mind get to thinking about life without him. Well, things didn't play out as planned. He died with Mom by his side in the hospital.

I'm eternally grateful that I drove 12 hours to visit last year over Labor Day weekend, I think all the time about how he hugged me twice in the driveway on the Monday morning that I left, as if somehow he knew. He was actually doing well with the chemo then, but three weeks later he was gone.

So I don't have any great advice about coping with a fading parent, but I'll second other posters -- make the time, spend the time.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Playthrough, if there is any great advice out there, it's "Be there."

There were some tough times. Some of them really ugly. But be there.

 

[NOT THAT JD]

I can’t prove this, but I have become convinced that Aricept not only doesn’t do anything to help fight against Alzheimer’s but actually makes the mental decline worse. I feel like my mother’s gotten much worse since the doctor put her on Aricept, and I wasn’t particularly impressed with it a decade or more ago when it was prescribed for my grandmother under the same circumstances.

My mom died in 2013 and took Aricept. It makes matters worse. Here's a review of it, too. Aricept Drug and Medication User Reviews on RxList

y 92 year old Mother is in a nursing home, one of her health issues is dementia which is slowly getting worse. The doctor prescribed 10 mg.Aricept. Mom had been on the drug for a week and each day I saw her I could see the changes taking place. She was more confused than ever before, forgetting her everyday routine, wanting to go to bed 3 pm in the afternoon, weak the list goes on. This was a frightening experience to see what aricept was doing to her. I immediately had her taken off aricept. Now I am waiting till it gets out of her system. The side effects of this drug were worse that the condition she is being treated for.

 

[Driftwood]

I'll interject a little humor here because it seems like it could be beneficial, and this is the appropriate place, I think:

I was out yesterday and came across a good deal on one of those little pull-to-open LED lanterns that show up on TV all the time now. I decided to buy it because I've been looking at them. I got home and tried it out. It works pretty well.

I walked next door to my folks' to show my dad. He's 79. I pulled it open/on and said, "check this out." Before I knew what happened, he had it and was saying, "Thanks. I've been wanting one of these. I've seen them on TV. Thanks. That's alright. I can use that. (showing it to the dog) Look what Driftwood brought us. Thank you. Thank you."

Of course in my mind, I'm thinking, "What the heck? I didn't bring it to you. I was just showing you my lantern." I played the good son and said, "Yeah, I figured you'd like to have one of these." It was about all I could do to keep my composure both in terms of eye roll/head shake to uncontrollable laughter. I called my mom today and said, "You do realize he stole my freakin lantern." She broke out laughing.

In the end, the story/hilarity value of the whole event far exceeds the $7 I paid for it. I just have to go buy another one for myself, I guess.

 

[Moderator1]

I walked four miles (well, 3.79) with my son and granddaughter today before work. When the day comes that I can't do that anymore, we're both going to be pretty upset.

I so hope when I do go it is quick. My dad went real quick. My mom struggled for a while and it was so hard. The pain of death is hard enough, I don't want my kids to deal with an extended struggle beforehand.

 

[Junkie]

My Mom died earlier this year after 10 years of COPD (brought on by 50+ years of smoking). Seeing her fade was far more difficult than seeing her die, which was almost a relief -- I know it was a relief for her. I miss her, but what I really miss is the version that ceased to be sometime around 2005. So I'll take it a step further: Enjoy them before they fade. I didn't do that with my Mom, but am definitely doing so with my Dad, who is still an active 81-year-old. We talk more than ever and I've learned more the last six months than I had in decades prior.

 

[WriteThinking]

Take pictures. Especially if your whole family is still alive and available for family photos, be sure to take current ones, for posterity's sake, while you still have the chance.

This is not always easy. If you've got family members spread around other states, or siblings/parents who don't get along or don't keep in touch, etc., it is, oftentimes, really hard to get the entire family together at all. And then to try to plan/execute a photo session at that time, too? It's easier said than done, particularly with large families, even if someone actually thinks of it.

But try to do it, perhaps actually having a professional portrait done at a Picture People place, or a studio, even, because once someone in the family passes away, there's no getting around the fact that the "family picture" is forever changed.