Best clean jokes

[WolvEagle]

What were Tarzan's last words?

Who greased the grapevine?

 

[Walter_Sobchak]

An 80-year old man goes to his yearly physical with his doctor.
After a battery of tests, the doctor comes back and says "Sir, I have some rather distressing news. You have been diagnosed with cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease."
The man is taken aback, but then his mood changes. "Well, that's awful," he says, "but at least I don't have cancer."

 

[baskethead]

A pirate walks into a bard with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, why do you have a streering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Aaarggh, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

 

[Mizzougrad96]

What's a word that ends with -unt that describes a woman?

Aunt.

 

[RedCanuck]

What does a sea monster like to eat? Fish and ships.

 

[joe]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[Steak Snabler]

It's interesting to see some folks' idea of a "clean" joke. Just because it doesn't contain profanity or a description of a sex act doesn't make it clean.

 

[spikechiquet]

It's interesting to see some folks' idea of a "clean" joke. Just because it doesn't contain profanity or a description of a sex act doesn't make it clean.

Agreed, think of jokes you would tell to a group of kids in a school.

 

[blacktitleist]

A skeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I'll have a pitcher of beer and a mop."

 

[mpcincal]

A guy who likes to go deer hunting has a wife who's constantly bugging to join him, although she knows nothing about it.
One weekend, the guy's hunting buddy has to cancel on him, and so he decides to let his wife join him, giving her a crash course beforehand on firing the gun and their strategy for smoking the deer out for the kill.
They get to the woods and find a spot in front of a clearing, and the husband gives directions, "I'll go out find a deer and get it to run across the clearing, and when it does, you shoot it."
So he goes out and two minutes later, before he even finds a deer, he hears two gunshots. He runs back to where his wife is and sees her pointing her rifle at a another guy in the clearing with his hands up, and she's yelling at him "That's my deer, I shot him fair and square and if you even try to take it, I'll shoot you too."
The guy in the clearing, obviously frightened, yells back "OK, lady, you shot the deer fair and square and you can have it. But can I just take the saddle off it first?"

 

[Versatile]

What did the fish say when it bumped its head on a concrete wall?


Damn!

Hey, no profanity. . .

Anyway, a pirate captain spies a ship he wants to take, but he sees a few of the men on board are armed. He turns to one of his men and says, "Bring me red shirt, we're taking that vessel!"

Afterward, the first mate asks why the captain wanted his red shirt. "So ye couldn't see me blood if I got shot," the captain responds.

A day later, the first mate calls to the captain, "I see the Royal Navy, capt'n! Fifty ships on the horizon!"

The captain replies, "Bring me my brown pants."

...

And an old favorite for the grammar nerds:

Teacher: Chris, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Chris: I is...
Teacher: No, Chris. Always say, "I am."
Chris: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

[NickMordo]

A seal walks into a club...

 

[vicd]

A hot dog walks into a bar. Bartenders says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."

 

[NickMordo]

What do you call a frightened hot dog?

A Halloweener

 

[azom]

Best clean joke I have heard in awhile may have come from The Aristocrats movie, of all places.... The set-up is two people, man and wife, walk into a talent agent's office, trying to sell an act:

They had two black satchels. ...
And he opens up the black case and there's a silver hammer in it.
His wife pulls out the chair and he sits down upon the chair.
His wife takes the hammer and with a great, swift movement -
bang! - Hits her husband right in the forehead.
He goes ass over tea kettle back down,
over the couch, over the agents, back in and pulls the drapes down.
The agent says, "My God, I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
"Thank you very much." He picks up the hammer, puts it away,
then he picks up that case, picks up the other one.
They're about to leave and the agent says,
"Excuse me, just for curiosity,
what's in the other case?"
And he says, "Tylenol."

 

[spaceman]

A string goes into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get out we don't serve strings in here."

The string comes in the next day and the bartender says, "Get out we don't serve strings in here."

The string goes outside, ties himself up like a pretzel and messes up his hair, then goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey .... are you a string?"

And the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Oggiedoggie]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?



To get to the other slide.

 

[EStreetJoe]

What's black and white and red all over?
A skunk with a diaper rash

 

[hondo]

Guy goes to this doctor for a follow-up on some tests. Doc says he has good news and bad news.

Guy says, "give me the good news first."

Doc says, "you've got 24 hours to live."

Guy says, "What the hell! What could the bad news be?"

Doc says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

 

[azom]

Also, this, with instant rimshot: http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/