Best clean jokes

[hondo]

Here's the rules: no profanity, no crudity. Keep them short. Here's the first offering:

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What a coincidence. We have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "You gotta a drink named Bob?"

 

[novelist_wannabe]

Knock, knock
who's there?
Impatient cow
Impatien--
MOOOO!

 

[imjustagirl]

I don't know any clean jokes.

 

[Mystery Meat II]

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEP*

"That's a heck of an act. What do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats!"

 

[Kato]

Guy walks into a library and says, "Can I get a cheeseburger?"
Librarian says, "This is a library."
Guy says (whispers), "Oh. Can I get a cheeseburger?"

This one works better out loud.

 

[Buck]

John elway walks into a bar ...

 

[Steak Snabler]

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.

 

[joeggernaut]

An orange is rolling down the road but quickly stops. Turns out it ran out of juice.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

 

[Johnny Dangerously]

I haven't slept for three days ...






... because that would be too long.



RIP, Mitch Hedberg

 

[playthrough]

From my 6-year-old this week:

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?

 

[NickMordo]

A guy walks into the kitchen and sees his blonde girlfriend staring at the carton of orange juice. He asks, "Why are you staring at the juice?" And the blonde responds, "Because it says 'concentrate.'"

 

[Greenhorn]

A chicken, a duck and pig walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

[RickStain]

Two men walk into a bar. Third man ducks.

 

[Evil Bastard (aka Chris_L)]

What did the fish say when it bumped its head on a concrete wall?







Damn!

 

[Flip Wilson]

From my 6-year-old this week:

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Why are you crying?

Most recent from my 5-year-old:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get more chicken!

I don't know what it means either, but he sure laughs as he's telling it, so then I laugh at him laughing. Yeah...good times.

 

[Batman]

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Pig played in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Pig took a bath.

A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The priest says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

 

[EStreetJoe]

From the e-mail archives...

>* What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
> A stick.
>
>* What is a zebra?
> 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
>
>* How do you get holy water?
> Boil the hell out of it.
>
>* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
> She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
>
>* What do prisoners use to call each other?
> Cell phones.
>
>* What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
>* What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
> Quatro sinko.
>
>* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
> A pachydermatologist
>
>* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
>would kill you?
> A pool table.
>
>* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
> Because they have big fingers.
>
>* Where do you get virgin wool from?
> Ugly sheep.

 

[spikechiquet]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fssssssshhhhhhhhh.








What's long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

 

[ColdCat]

guy gets pulled over by a cop at 2 am. Cop says "Where are you going?"
Guys says "I'm on my way to a lecture about the dangers of alcohol consumption and irregular sleeping paterns."
"Who's giving a lecture on that this time of night?" asks the cop.
"My wife."