A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- FINAL UPDATE

[Matt1735]

My father has had significant health issues for nearly 30 years (two heart surgeries, cancer, etc.) and it's finally caught up with him. Although no definite prognosis of when he will die has been given (at least to my knowledge), he is now on Hospice care. We do know he will not get better, so Hospice was brought in to make whatever time (six days, six weeks, six months or six years) more comfortable.

My reason for bringing this to the board... He and I have never been close, and I don't know how or why that came to be. I have my guesses, but those aren't relevant at this time.

After an incident this past week, I had a conversation with my only brother this weekend where we both acknowledged that the time is drawing near and if either of us had anything that had to be said to him, we'd better do it soon.

There are several significant issues I'd love to know the answers as to why they happened the way they did, or things I'd love to say if I truly believed anything could come from those discussions. I honestly don't see a positive outcome from having that kind of conversation. He's not going to change and he won't apologize for being who he is or was, so all that bringing up the past will do is cement the wedge.

For the most part, I am at peace with what happened in the past and have accepted it. But knowing (or thinking I know) what would happen if they were raised, I see no point in doing so.

So I bring this topic to the board and ask those of you who have dealt with this, did you have those uncomfortable conversations and were they worth the risk that I stated above? Did you get the results you desired? Now that it's been however long it's been, do you regret having or not having those conversations?

Thanks in advance.

 

[PeteyPirate]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

For years I tried repeatedly to have conversations with my dad about the way certain things had gone down that had hurt me and others in my family, to no avail. It grew so frustrating that I just stopped trying. I've just accepted that I'll never know some things. Now my dad and I just talk about the weather and sports, and I have a lot less stress.

 

[forever_town]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

One of my ex-roommates really pushed me to come out to my grandmother(s). I refused because she did not react well when my father came out to her many years ago. Now she has Alzheimer's and is usually drugged within an inch of her life.

Do I regret not coming out to her (or being "open" according to that new fangled lingo put out there by some of you kids ? Nope.

 

[tadwriter]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Whatever you decide, decide quickly. Once the person is gone, the chance to say all those things that could or should have been said will be gone. It will never come back. Maybe you should, maybe you should not. That is up to you. But once it is too late, it will always be too late. If there is little time left for them to be with you, there is just as little for you to be with them.

 

[PeteyPirate]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

And whatever you decide -- whether to confront your father or let bygones be bygones -- at least be there.

 

[buckweaver]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I agree with both of FDP's posts. Well said.

 

[Iron_chet]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I did not have the exact same situation but reconnected with my estranged parents after the birth of my daughter. Although I do not really care if they are in my life I know they take great joy in their grand daughter and if I can make someone happy then I don't see it as a bad thing.

We have come to an unspoken resolution to move on and it has worked best for everyone.

I say go to your Dad with low expectations and at least know you tried.

 

[writing irish]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I never got to say what I wanted to my dad. Or, more accurately, I never summoned the balls to do so. I advise against making that particular mistake.

 

[AMacIsaac]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Remember, though, that -- if you're over 30 anyways -- our fathers were raised in different times. They just aren't that talky.

Mine wasn't. I've wondered if I should have asked him this, or told him that before he died.

I'll leave you with some words my brother gave me in an email as we recently discussed the matter:

I had the luxury of spending a lot of time alone with him while I was driving him back and forth to his appointments at the doctor’s, the hospital and Halifax; lifting him out of bed, helping him use the bathroom, etc. We talked about it all but you had to drag it out of him, Mom was never there and it never evolved into an emotional conversation. Even when he had to go for the week’s stay in Halifax, all he wanted was to be dropped off at the hospital that Monday and picked up that Friday? He didn’t want her on the trip and he didn’t want me to stay up with him? I honestly think that by the time Christmas ’95 had rolled around, he had resigned himself to the fact that it was only a matter of time before he died. There was no longer any need for further discussion because he had just spend the last two years discussing it with every doctor, nurse and specialist, going through batteries of tests, treatments and drugs only to have the doctor tell him it’s over. I know myself that I would be pretty pissed to go through two years of crap only to have someone tell me it didn’t do any good and I know myself I wouldn’t want to do any more talking.

 

[Ace]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting


I do have any big conversations I need to have with anyone or incidents I feel the need to rehash.

It's the little, daily conversations that I need to improve on.

 

[lono]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Purely by coincidence, I visited my father right before he died.

We spent the last three days of his conscious life doing all the things he loved - long drives out in the country, eating at a rural inn, going to his favorite restaurant, hanging out and shooting the s--t.

My last night there, 30 seconds before we were leaving to go to dinner, he said to me, "I have to go into the hospital tomorrow to get an artery unclogged. It's no big deal. I should be out in two days. I might even be home the same afternoon."

He had a stroke on the operating table.

Eight days later, I held his hand in mine as he took his last breath.

In my younger days, we had a very contentious relationship and there are still a lot of questions I would love to know the answer to.

But I felt so lucky to have three wonderful days together right before he died.

We were very different - and equally bullish personalities - but we loved each other, respected each other and parted on a high note. I couldn't ask for more than that.

Rest in peace, Poppi.

You stomped on the terra.

And I'm doing my best to teach your grandson who I named after you to do likewise. Seems to be working so far.

 

[lono]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Oh, and I other thing: Any telephone conversation I have with any family members always ends with the same three words: "I love you."

You never know if you get the chance to say it again.

 

[Killick]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

You know, my pops wasn't the ideal dad when I was growing up. There were times when he bordered on abuse (beatings with a belt, closed fist punches), he could be controlling as hell and there were periods when my sisters and I were definitely afraid every time he came home. I held a grudge through my 20s and most of my 30s. One of my 42yo sisters still does. But about 4-5 years ago, I let it go. Just let it go.

Now, Dad has mellowed. And I've learned more him, talking to Mom and various relatives. Why was he that way? Well, maybe because my grandfather was twice as bad to him. Hell, Dad was a big step in the right direction from what I understand of Grandpa Killick, who died when I was six months old. Maybe it was the stress of trying to raise a family on a heating and air conditioning repairman's pay, putting the kids through Catholic schools and college plans. There were times when fried balogna sandwiches were dinner. We kids thought it was a treat. Mom finally told me that was when money was particularly tight. Or maybe Dad was the way he was because I could be a whiny ungrateful little ****. Knowing me, it's entirely possible.

The point of all this is this: Whatever the issues, whatever the causes, whatever the familial sins, the only words that matter now are "I love you, Pop." Whatever those issues were, they were his. I refuse to let Grandpa Killick's ****, trickled down through my dad, become my issues. Lord knows, that line probably extends far before my grandfather. Probably even further than his grandfather.

Just let it go. Let it go, and let the man who helped give you life and make you what you are today (either through positive or negative effect) pass on with a slightly easier burden. Tell him you love him, and forget all the recriminations.

Oh, and I other thing: Any telephone conversation I have with any family members always ends with the same three words: "I love you."

You never know if you get the chance to say it again.

Amen, lono. I do the same thing.

 

[forever_town]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Remember, though, that -- if you're over 30 anyways -- our fathers were raised in different times. They just aren't that talky.

I have the opposite issue. My grandfather was never very talkative. He just didn't talk about issues the way my dad continues to try to pry out of me.

I'm sure my grandfather's taciturn ways frustrated Dad when he was growing up. He must think he's raising his father in some respects. As talkative as I can be about everything else, I don't open up very much about issues to my family.

More to the point, however, I made a decision to exclude negative people from my life when I was fighting cancer. With all the issues between me and my mother (including the fact she won't let **** go that happened almost TWENTY ****ING YEARS AGO), I've decided my mother is one of those people who can't be in my life.

Forgiveness is a two-way street. Moving on with each one in the other's life needs both people doing so to work. Otherwise, we'll move on without each other. And I'm OK with that.

 

[tapintoamerica]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Talking about the issues will help you even if it doesn't produce specific, desired impact from your dad. You will feel better about yourself for having overcome the reluctance to address the issues. You will feel some relief and peace that you made the attempt. In the end, it will be one less thing you'll have to think about or stress about in the future.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Oh, and I other thing: Any telephone conversation I have with any family members always ends with the same three words: "I love you."

You never know if you get the chance to say it again.

Need to remember that more often. Thanks, lono.

I saw my father for the last time when I was 8 before going overseas for three-plus years. A couple of phone convos when we got back stateside, but always with my mother listening on another line (she tried to deny it ... even I wasn't that dumb). He died when I was a teenager and I still do not know the cause.

I lost my step-grandmother a few months after years in a nursing home. She had suffered from dementia for many years, and unfortunately, the years before those were lost as my parents and grandparents didn't speak for five years. She was the only maternal grandmother I knew as my biological died 10 years before I was born. We were very close growing up, and without her, I dunno if I hold together through an ugly, ugly divorce (none of them are good, of course, but this involved a custody battle and an uncommon amount of bad blood).

And now my stepfather is sliding pretty badly mentally. I'm not handling it well at all. Another failure on my part.

Matt, resolve everything you can as soon as you can. If you end up making compromises, either with him or within yourself, fine. At least you know you gave it everything you had. You have to try, otherwise you end up with a lifetime of regret.

Please take that from someone who knows.

 

[Cubman71]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

If there is anything you regret...anything at all, by all means, I think you need to address that with him.

But as others have said, make sure you are there.

I had the awful ordeal of having my wife not to get patch things up with her dad before he died suddenly.

I think she is finally at peace with things, but there was a lot left unsaid...from both parties...that she struggled with for quite some time.

If you have a chance to bury the hatchett, I would strongly recommend it.

Guilt is a horrible thing to live with for the rest of your life.

 

[HC]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

There are questions I never asked my Dad but in the end, they don't matter. What matters is that my Dad is dead and I'll never see him again. I didn't get to see him before he died because I was supposed to visit him but needed emergency surgery. See your dad and be with him whether you can ask the questions you have or not. In the end, the answers are not as important as you might think.

 

[Dyno]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I had an extremely close relationship with my dad, and knew him well enough for him to once ask me, rhetorically, how I always seemed to know what he was thinking. And yet, I am still haunted by things I never asked him. Try to do what you can to ease your mind, while you have the chance.

 

[canucklehead]

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I lost my dad four years ago. We were kindred spirits and never had a bad word for each other my entire 40 years. I told him I loved him several times during his last years, knowing because of his failing health that each time I saw him may be the last. It was painful when he died but had no regrets. I think of him every day but it's with no regrets. With my mom, it's not the same. We have a very awkward relationship. At the advice of a shrink I saw a few times last year I wrote my mom a letter telling her that I loved her and detailed all the reasons I did so, including the fact that she kept our family together during years when my Dad's drinking was bad. I mailed it to her and she had never mentioned it, which the shrink said she wouldn't. I'm glad I did it, though.
My advice is like others above. Just go visit him, hug him or hold his hand and tell him you love him. Don't bring up anything from the past, unless it's accompanied by an apology on your part. Why hurt a dying man that you love?
Take care