Tough Story --- looking for feedback

[Blake1288]

All feedback is greatly appreciated.

Some wore bracelets. Others scrawled "K.L." with marker on their skin or on tape wrapped around their wrists. But all of the members the Hartland High School boys basketball team paid tribute to one of their classmates — Kendal Lividini — who they learned had died Friday after a long struggle against cancer just as they were getting on the bus.

"We just wanted to come out and play for Kendal," said senior co-captain Matt Poches. "We all talked about what happened before the game. We got off to a quick start, but we fell apart late.

“It was on my mind the whole game."

In the end, the Eagles lost 52-48.

“The whole student body held a prayer service for her last night, holding out hope as much as they could. She didn’t make it," said Hartland head coach Frank Leppek. "Their heads were down. They tried to get themselves up for the game, but it’s hard. It’s hard for anybody, especially for high school kids, to see this happen to one of their classmates.”

Hartland co-captain Dan Richmond, who was in the starting lineup for the first time since Dec. 17 at Walled Lake Western, was one who had trouble focusing. Richmond struggled from the floor shooting 1-for-10. He scored three points and grabbed three rebounds.

“I didn’t feel into the game,” Richmond said somberly. “I didn’t really actually know her, but it kind of hit me for some reason.”

Hartland senior Clay Lineberry, who played his first game of the season, scored five points and grabbed three offensive rebounds.

“Offensively we couldn’t get in sync,” said Lineberry, a transfer student from Tennessee. “We missed some easy shots. Just wasn’t our night.”

Even so, the Eagles were in the game until the very end. Hartland trailed by one point going into the fourth quarter. But J.P. Calder, of Pinckney, put the game out of reach with 17 seconds left with three out of four free throws. Calder finished with seven points. Brad Hohman led the Pirates in points with 19. Jeremy Perez added six steals for Pinckney.

Poches scored 18 points in the first half and the Eagles came out hot. They established an early 23-15 lead at the start of the second quarter, but ended up only leading by two at the half. He finished with 23 points and 12 rebounds, nine of those rebounds were on the defensive end.

Anthony Villar also scored 16 points for Hartland, making four three-point shots.

“It was a game of surges for both teams,” Leppek said. “You’re gonna have mistakes. We had 17 turnovers. We shouldn’t have that many. The kids played extremely hard, and these are two evenly matched teams. They just have a little more size than us.”

And Leppek said the Eagles were ready.

“This was the best week of practice that we’ve had in my five years at Hartland,” he said. “Yesterday the kids were just fired up. They were just running through walls.”

But then they heard the news.

Yet after the loss, it appeared the team learned something more. Instead of thinking about their next game next Tuesday at home against Grand Blanc, the first thing on Poches' mind was: What else can we do to honor Kendal?

The loss of Kendal Lividini will stick with these young men far longer than their loss to Pinckney.

 

[ringer]

I thought it started strong and the whole thing was very cleanly written, but you have to say more about who Kendal is. Age? Grade? What kind of cancer? Was she an athlete? A cheerleader? I have no idea what her connection to the team was, besides being a classmate.

It also took me till the 6th graf to realize that Kendal was a girl. At first, I thought you were using mystery as a technique - deliberately spacing out the details to generate suspense - but then, all of a sudden, the tone flipped and it turned into a game story, complete with stats and a quote from the coach about having too many turnovers.

All you had to do was a little more reporting and even out the tone and it could have been a hit. But in the end, I think it was a miss -- or maybe a near miss.

I like your clean writing style though.

 

[JRoyal]

Pretty sound story, but toward the end it falls into editorializing.

Yet after the loss, it appeared the team learned something more. Instead of thinking about their next game next Tuesday at home against Grand Blanc, the first thing on Poches' mind was: What else can we do to honor Kendal?

The loss of Kendal Lividini will stick with these young men far longer than their loss to Pinckney.

I've been around a lot of teenagers over the years, and this is probably true. But some of these kids, esp. if they didn't know her well, will likely shrug it off in a couple of days. Without something from the kids backing it up, this is your opinion, and may not even be a correct opinion. Sure, the kids paid tribute, but if a couple of guys start doing it, esp. if they're captains or just team leaders, then the rest of the team is likely to follow even if the kid didn't mean much to them. You're ascribing emotions that may not be there, or at least emotions that weren't brought out in the story. I'd rather have more details on how the players knew her and less game detail honestly, or at least fewer of the quotes like this one:

“Offensively we couldn’t get in sync,” said Lineberry, a transfer student from Tennessee. “We missed some easy shots. Just wasn’t our night.”

Weak quote that adds nothing to the story and you could get in about any loss.

 

[Blake1288]

I thought it started strong and the whole thing was very cleanly written, but you have to say more about who Kendal is. Age? Grade? What kind of cancer? Was she an athlete? A cheerleader? I have no idea what her connection to the team was, besides being a classmate.

It also took me till the 6th graf to realize that Kendal was a girl. At first, I thought you were using mystery as a technique - deliberately spacing out the details to generate suspense - but then, all of a sudden, the tone flipped and it turned into a game story, complete with stats and a quote from the coach about having too many turnovers.

All you had to do was a little more reporting and even out the tone and it could have been a hit. But in the end, I think it was a miss -- or maybe a near miss.

I like your clean writing style though.

The site was littered with information about Kendal. There were three stories on her in the past day.

I went to cover the game, this happened and I wasn't told about it until about halftime. I wasn't certain on which direction to go. I wanted players reactions because that's all they were talking about post-game. I still had a game to report on -- that's why all that is in the story.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Blake1288]

Pretty sound story, but toward the end it falls into editorializing.

Yet after the loss, it appeared the team learned something more. Instead of thinking about their next game next Tuesday at home against Grand Blanc, the first thing on Poches' mind was: What else can we do to honor Kendal?

The loss of Kendal Lividini will stick with these young men far longer than their loss to Pinckney.

I've been around a lot of teenagers over the years, and this is probably true. But some of these kids, esp. if they didn't know her well, will likely shrug it off in a couple of days. Without something from the kids backing it up, this is your opinion, and may not even be a correct opinion. Sure, the kids paid tribute, but if a couple of guys start doing it, esp. if they're captains or just team leaders, then the rest of the team is likely to follow even if the kid didn't mean much to them. You're ascribing emotions that may not be there, or at least emotions that weren't brought out in the story. I'd rather have more details on how the players knew her and less game detail honestly, or at least fewer of the quotes like this one:

“Offensively we couldn’t get in sync,” said Lineberry, a transfer student from Tennessee. “We missed some easy shots. Just wasn’t our night.”

Weak quote that adds nothing to the story and you could get in about any loss.

I don't know why, but I was pretty adamant about that last line getting it. I did still have a game to report. Like I said, the site I write for was littered with information about Kendal.

Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated.

 

[ringer]

You can't assume everyone reads everything on the site. And you certainly can't assume that people who look up the story a few years from now will have a clue. The piece should stand alone unless it's clearly a sidebar.

Weaving in small details like age, type of cancer, her year in school, relationship to the athletes you quote, really doesn't take much work. It personalizes the story.

Check out some examples of how the NYT covered lacrosse games after Yeardley Love was murdered. Notice how specific the references are. Notice how they weave the relationships into the attributions after the quotes.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/23/sports/23lacrosse.html?ref=yeardleylove

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/17/sports/17lacrosse.html?ref=yeardleylove

Hope that helps.

 

[Blake1288]

That's awesome... Thank's.