This really f*cking sucks

[KYSportsWriter]

I just found out one of my best friends died.

... In December. How I didn't know then, I have no idea. We last spoke on Facebook earlier that month before she died. A blood clot started in her leg and traveled to her heart, and from what I've heard/been told, she was gone in a matter of hours.

I remember the last thing we talked about was her having another doctor's visit, and then that was it. I guess I just never checked her Facebook profile after that (some friend, right? I'm torn up over that, too.), and didn't realize what happened. None of our mutual friends said anything to me about it, until tonight.

A friend told me while I was driving home from work, and I just about drove off the road. The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't know when or even if it will.

Sarah was a girl I could talk to about anything, whether it be life, love or whatever. She was a girl I had a big-time crush on, something she knew about but I didn't pursue because I didn't want to run the risk of ruining our great friendship. She was a great friend, someone I could depend on for anything even though we hardly got to see each other because we lived a few hours apart. Up until she died before Christmas, there wasn't a night we didn't talk through e-mail or AIM or whatever.

But how I could let her death slip by me like this, I don't know. I'll probably never know. But I know this really, really, really sucks. I'll never get to have a random, late-night/early-morning talk with her again, and I'll never get to see her smile or hear her laugh again.

She was an amazing girl who had helped me through a lot. And I'll never forget her.

I love you, Sarah Elizabeth, and I can't wait to see you again.

 

[BYH]

Damn. That's terrible. So sorry for your loss, KY.

 

[KevinmH9]

Terribly sorry to hear about that, KY.

RIP, Sarah.

 

[JakeandElwood]

Awful news, KY. My condolences.

 

[old_tony]

Wow, that is awful. Just goes to show that sometimes we let people slip out of our lives for no reason at all. It happens. It's easy to say "cherish all your friends,"
but life gets in the way sometimes.

My condolences, KYSW.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

But, OT, it never should have happened.

The time -- which was limited to begin with -- we were together, we were inseparable. After I broke up with one of my exes and was going through a tough time dealing with that, she filled that void in my life and made me feel wanted and loved and needed.

And now that person is gone. And I won't get to see her for a (hopefully) long time.

I feel like such an awful person for not knowing someone I cared so much about had passed away. It's one of the worst feelings I've had in my life.

 

[jps]

ky, shoot me a note, if you want. prayers your way, my friend.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

ky, shoot me a note, if you want. prayers your way, my friend.

thanks dude. much appreciated.

 

[jlee]

My deepest condolences, KY.

 

[BYH]

KY, I hate to say it, but that stuff happens as you get older. You don't intend to lose touch with people with whom you were once inseparable, but it happens. Maybe one of you goes away, or your interests just diverge. My Dad used to say something similiar to me when I was a kid and I thought he was full of ****, but he was mostly spot-on right.

Thank goodness for Facebook, b/c it has allowed me to reconnect with someone similiar to your friend. Jen and I were best friends for more than three years in high school and early in college. We went thru EVERYTHING together. She nursed my broken heart after my first love stomped all over it and I helped her thru **** that no girl should ever go thru. We were inseparable. We'd go out together, in groups and alone, to dance clubs, to the movies, everywhere. I'd drive to her campus every Thursday night to party. We talked for hours on the phone every night (that's what kids did back in the days before IM and Facebook!).

But then I went away to a four-year school and we started to lose touch after a few months. It was a combination of things. We were both changing...she dropped out of school and fell in with a bad crowd and I was establishing myself in a different state.

I don't think it helped, either, that during my first semester away we had this weird quasi-courtship in which we danced around the issue of hooking up/becoming boyfriend and girlfriend but never really talked about it. So we were both uncomfortable with how uncertain things were and kind of mad at ourselves for not having the guts to talk it out.

So we started to drift apart. It was really like what Keane sings about in "Everybody's Changing." () You feel it happening, and you don't want it to happen, yet you feel powerless to stop it.

I'd talked to her once in 10 years when she friended me on Facebook right before Christmas. We hit it off immediately in our online chats, and a few days later, my Mom got her terrible cancer diagnosis. I told Jen, who proceeded to tell me that she'd battled cancer a few years ago and that her brother is fighting what will likely be a losing battle with the ****ing disease. She turned out to be a wonderful sounding board and friend as my family (which she knew very well) went thru hell on Earth.

Along the way, I found out she went thru a whole lot of other **** during our time apart: An abusive marriage, two near-fatal car wrecks, multiple operations stemming from those accidents, even a year learning about the seamy underbelly of the modeling industry. I felt terrible that I hadn't been there for her for all this and wondered if things would have been different if we'd stayed in touch.

Things are great now and I see her almost every trip back home now. I get along great with her kids as well as her fiance, and it makes me so happy that she's finally found the guy she deserves.

But while this is not nearly the same thing as you are going thru, I often wonder too: How the hell did I allow someone who was once my best friend to slip out of my life?

All I can say is it happens, and no one intends for it to happen. I made sure to tell Jen how glad I am that we're friends again and how sorry I am that I lost touch with her. She understands it was a two-way street, unfortunately.

I guess that's a really roundabout way of saying that while you feel bad about losing touch with Sarah, it's also normal, particularly for people your age, and not a reflection on who you are as a person. I guess it's also a sad and unfortunate reminder that we ALL need to try and stay in touch with our best friends, even if it feels as if we're growing apart and changing, because there will come a time when the core of who you are is shaken like you never thought possible, and when that happens you're going to need the people who knew you in your formative years, because even if you go years without realizing it, they are the part of your core that you're going to need to get you thru the type of deep and dark periods you might not be able to conceptualize yet.

I'm very sorry about Sarah's death and will be thinking good thoughts for you and the rest of her family and friends.

 

[Colton]

KY: My sincere condolences, buddy. And there's nothing I could say that would be more appropriate and spot on than what BYH did.

RIP, Sarah.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

Thanks, beej.

Was just talking to a friend on Facebook, and apparently a lot of people didn't know about it until much after the fact. Thing is, though, I knew she had been lots of pain and how uncertain she was about everything she was going through.

Then one day, she stopped e-mailing/IMing me, and I thought it was because she was busy. For whatever reason, I just forgot about everything and her telling me how freaking scared she was of what was happening.

I freaking knew she was going through pain and suffering, and then I just forgot about everything. At least until tonight, and now I feel like a total jackass for it.

Right now, I can't forgive myself for not being a better friend in her time of need. She did so much for me; why the hell couldn't I do the same for her?

 

[Colton]

KY: Considering where Sarah is now, I'm sure she'd be the first to tell you to quit beating yourself up.

She knows what's in your heart, my friend.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

I hope she does.

It just sucks not being able to tell her face to face, ya know?

 

[Colton]

KY: Take it from the guy who came home from a 5 a.m. meeting to find his mother had died 45 minutes earlier -- she knows.

Here's what helps me -- when I hit my knees each day, I make sure Mom knows.

God bless you, my friend.

 

[KevinmH9]

KY: Take it from the guy who came home from a 5 a.m. meeting to find his mother had died 45 minutes earlier -- she knows.

Here's what helps me -- when I hit my knees each day, I make sure Mom knows.

God bless you, my friend.

Great advice here. Before you go to sleep tonight, say a prayer or two.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

i know i shouldn't be doing this to myself, but i can't help it.

 

[buckweaver]

*******, Beej. Ain't that the ****ing truth. Helluva post. I could have told the same story, different names and backgrounds.

Don't beat yourself up, KY. Life really does get in the way sometimes, and that's just universal. So is death. We've all been there, man. Nothing makes it easier, but beating yourself up doesn't help her or you.

Sorry for your loss. I lost an old teacher and neighbor last week. Know exactly how you're feeling right now.

 

[forever_town]

*******, Beej. Ain't that the ****ing truth. Helluva post. I could have told the same story, different names and backgrounds.

Someone once said this about Mark Twain characters: He and I know the same people. He just calls them by different names. On some level, that's true of all of us.

If Sarah were alive today, she'd tell you not to beat yourself up over it, KY. I'm totally convinced of that. I'm sure she's trying to align whatever she needs to for you to feel some comfort and peace in these trying times.

This reminds me, I'd better get back in touch with my best friend. Even though he's almost young enough to be my son, I've confided stuff in him that I haven't even told my parents. I love him like a brother. Thank God we're both on Facebook.

I'm very sorry to hear about Sarah's loss. Sounds like her presence really enriched your life.

 

[Double J]

KY, I'm so sorry for you and for Sarah's family and other loved ones. Take care of yourself and, as others have said, please don't be too hard on yourself.