Soccer Feature

[KevinmH9]

Hey everyone! I'm going to take advantage of this awesome opportunity and see how one of my feature stories matches up with the pros. Thanks!

http://media.www.theclockonline.com/media/storage/paper569/news/2007/11/16/Sports/Psu-Mens.Soccer.Coming.Off.Of.A.Dissapointing.Season-3105706.shtml

 

[txscoop]

I'm not a pro, but here are some tips. Never use second person. And also, I think you took too long to introduce a source and use a quote.

 

[Stitch]

It needs some major copy editing. Misplaced commas, use said instead of commented, coach instead of head coach (unless you need to differentiate between a head coach and an assistant), plus some awkward phrases.

Produced havoc doesn't make sense (wreaking havoc would be better)

 

[reformedhack]

All of the above.

Then there's that "dissapointing" headline, but that's for another thread on another board.

 

[KevinmH9]

Awesome. Thanks for the comments. I'll be sure to look out for this stuff in the future.

I haven't written many feature stories as I'd like for the sport section. I'll hope to get some great experience in the future.