Please analyze

[ezduzit]

I'd like to hear some feedback on this....


It's not easy keeping up with Brad Lester. Ask any Auburn defender who's tried doing it the last few days in spring practice.

But there's one thing that's kept pace with Lester every step of the way the last two seasons. It's still hanging around, despite his best efforts to shake it.

Two little words: "Injury prone."

The label attached to Lester before the first play of his redshirt freshman season, in 2005. He missed most of spring practice that season with an injured hamstring. The injury continued to dog him through the summer and into the preseason.

When he was healthy, he was impressive — good enough to take the starting tailback job from future star Kenny Irons.

But Lester's stint as the starter was short-lived. He had seven carries in the first quarter at Arkansas, his first career start, but then went down awkwardly while being tackled and got up with a limp.

The diagnosis: A severe groin strain. The injury cost him three games, but robbed him of his explosiveness for several weeks after his return.

It also cemented his reputation as a fragile runner who might not be able to handle the pounding expected of a starting tailback in the Southeastern Conference.

Lester says there's no chance of that.

After all, he played in 12 games last season, and would have played in the Cotton Bowl were it not for an academics-related suspension. As far as Lester is concerned, his 104 carries last year — he gained 510 yards and scored nine touchdowns — answered any questions about his durability once and for all.

Still, he often finds himself asked about his reputation as injury-prone. It can be frustrating.

"I don't think that's going to be an issue," Lester said. "Everybody says I'm injury-prone, but it's been almost two years.

"I hear a lot about how I had 'the injuries.' I just had one injury where I didn't play half the season. That was it."

Offensive coordinator Al Borges believes Lester can handle the workload, despite his physical running style.

"He's stronger than he would appear to be," Borges said. "He's real tough to bring down because he doesn't concede to the defense."

For now, he's ahead of the other tailback hopefuls: Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of that talented trio — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves.

Lester is convinced he can stay healthy, no matter how many carries he has. He's determined to be Auburn's No. 1 back, and he's anxious to participate in what he thinks will be an exciting 2007 season.

"I look at the schedule, and I think we have a really good chance to win all our games," he said. "I want to be a part of that.

"But it's going to take more than just me. I think at least three of us are going to end up running the ball."

As long as everyone else can keep up.

 

[SoSueMe]

You say "one thing that's kept pace" and then identify the "thing" as "injury prone."

Injury prone can't be a thing. It can be a label, like you say in the next paragraph.

"Lester says there's no chance of that." No chance of what? "that" isn't identified in the paragraph before it.

Other than that, I liked it. Not too long, two good sources. Not bad at all.

 

[NoTalentAndFatToo]

As always...italics = problem areas, bold = my comments


It's not easy keeping up with Brad Lester. Ask any Auburn defender who's tried doing it the last few days in spring practice. Awkward. And, although I have done it, I'm not crazy about the "Statement. Just ask. lead.

But there's one thing that's kept pace with Lester every step of the way the last two seasons. It's still hanging around, despite his best efforts to shake it.

Two little words: "Injury prone." who are you quoting? Use a dash. Two little words--injury prone.

The label attached by who? to Lester before the first play of his redshirt freshman season, in 2005. He missed most of spring practice that season with an injured hamstring. The injury continued to dog him through the summer and into the preseason.

When he was healthy, he was impressive You're not as wrong here as you have been in other similar lines. You do give a reason why he was impressive (taking the starting position). However, call me anal, I'd still like to see a clear opinion statement like this better attributed. How about: When he was healthy his played his way into the starting tailback position from future star Kenny Irons enough to — good enough to take the starting tailback job from future star Kenny Irons.

But Lester's stint as the starter was short-lived. He had seven carries in the first quarter at Arkansas, his first career start, but then went down awkwardly while being tackled it would be expected that he went down after being tackled. You would only explain how he went down if it was out of the ordinary and got up with a limp.

The diagnosis: A severe groin strain. meh. Why are you using a colon when it's not really needed? "He was diagnosed with a severe groin strain" would be fine. The injury cost him three games, but robbed him of his explosiveness for several weeks after his return. attribute, or show me how

It also cemented his reputation as a fragile runner says who? who might not be able to handle the pounding expected of a starting tailback in the Southeastern Conference.

Lester says there's no chance of that. Not a great transition

After all, he played in 12 games last season, and would have played in the Cotton Bowl were it not for an academics-related suspension. [moral editorializing] dumbass. As complete aside, it's about time we started to challenge NCAA programs and athletes about academic-related suspensions a little harder [/moral editorializing] As far as Lester is concerned, his 104 carries last year — he gained 510 yards and scored nine touchdowns — answered any questions about his durability once and for all.

Still, he often finds himself asked about his reputation as injury-prone. It can be frustrating , he said.

"I don't think that's going to be an issue," Lester said. "Everybody says I'm injury-prone, but it's been almost two years.

"I hear a lot about how I had 'the injuries.' Don't need single quotes here. He isn't quoting within a quote. I just had one injury where I didn't play half the season. That was it."

Offensive coordinator Al Borges believes Lester can handle the workload, despite his physical running style.

"He's stronger than he would appear to be," Borges said. "He's real tough to bring down because he doesn't concede to the defense." This quote adds nothing to the piece

For now, he's ahead of the other tailback hopefuls attribute : Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of that talented says who? trio — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves.

Lester is convinced You don't know what he is convinced of. You only know what he says he is convinced of. "Lester says he is convinced..." he can stay healthy, no matter how many carries he has. He's determined same to be Auburn's No. 1 back, and he's anxious and again to participate in what he thinks will be an exciting 2007 season.

"I look at the schedule, and I think we have a really good chance to win all our games," he said. "I want to be a part of that.

"But it's going to take more than just me. I think at least three of us are going to end up running the ball."

As long as everyone else can keep up. If this was a column, this would be a good ending. It has no place in a straight piece, however. It's your opinion. Opinions needs to be attributed, always. That would be my over-riding comment to you. Attribute, attribute and attribute.

 

[Boobie Miles]

I don't know if you go a little bit overboard with needing everything to be attributed NoTalent. In a straight piece I think there are some things that can be said that don't need to be attributed. I'm never good at coming up with these types of examples off the top of my head, but I just think if you follow your philosophy as a hard and fast rule the copy could be a bit dry.

Say someone shoots 20-for-20 from the field. Would it be wrong in your opinion for the writer to say he had a good shooting night? That he was unstoppable? That he was dominant?

 

[JustSomeDude]

A good point. Here's an example from the story above:

For now, he's ahead of the other tailback hopefuls attribute: Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of that talented says who?trio — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves.

Would the story be improved if ezduzit changed that paragraph to something like this?

"For now, Auburn's depth chart lists him ahead of the other tailback hopefuls: Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of those players, whom the coaches say are talented — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves."

Just seems wordier to me, not better. Besides, why even have beat writers if they can't bring their opinion to bear in features, short of editorializing or cheerleading?

I'm with you on the last line. I don't like cutesy endings to features, though everyone else seems to.

 

[NoTalentAndFatToo]

Say someone shoots 20-for-20 from the field. Would it be wrong in your opinion for the writer to say he had a good shooting night? That he was unstoppable? That he was dominant?

I would argue that in that case the stats attribute the statement. I'll amend my statement to attribute or demonstrate.

Take this:

Chris Bosh was dominant throughout the contest, scoring 32 points and adding 12 rebounds. It was his best game of the year said coach Sam Mitchell.

"Chris gets better every night," Mitchell said. "He deserves to be in any conversation about this league's best players."

The game was never in doubt. The Raptors ripped off a 18-3 run to start the game and never trailed. The closest the Nets got after the first quarter was 15.

The rambunctious sell-out crowd appeared to rattle the visitors. Former Raptor Vince Carter, booed, as always, whenever he touched the ball, was held to just 11 points. Carter had to be restrained by teammates early in the third quarter, getting in a shouting match with a courtside spectator.

"They're our sixth man" Bosh said. "They did their job tonight."

Everything is attributed in my work of fiction above, but it still has color.

There is, of course, room for analytical stuff from beat guys, but you have to earn the respect of the readers before you can go down that road. Most of the stuff posted here for critique is by young writers that aren't at that point of their career yet.

 

[JustSomeDude]

There is, of course, room for analytical stuff from beat guys, but you have to earn the respect of the readers before you can go down that road. Most of the stuff posted here for critique is by young writers that aren't at that point of their career yet.

Good point. I didn't think about that.

By the way, you're not doing Chris Bosh any favors with your imaginary transcription:

"There are sixth man."

;D

 

[NoTalentAndFatToo]

A good point. Here's an example from the story above:

For now, he's ahead of the other tailback hopefuls attribute: Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of that talented says who?trio — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves.

Would the story be improved if ezduzit changed that paragraph to something like this?

"For now, Auburn's depth chart lists him ahead of the other tailback hopefuls: Sophomore Ben Tate, redshirt freshman Mario Fannin and junior Tristan Davis. He just has to stay in front of those players, whom the coaches say are talented — and touted freshman Enrique Davis, who arrives this summer — to claim the starting job he believes he deserves."
.

Obviously the way you have presented is weaker. However, as I stated above, there are ways to attribute or demonstrate that still keep the color and flow in.


With the paragraph above, do we really need the other names at all? The story is about Lester, after all.

How about:

Offensive coordinator Al Borges says he thinks Bester can handle the workload, despite his physical running style.

"He's stronger than he would appear to be," Borges said. "He's real tough to bring down because he doesn't concede to the defense."

Lester should get an opportunity to prove Borges right. Heading into 2007, he tops Auburn's depth chart at tailback. He says he is convinced he will stay healthy and be a big part of an exciting 2007 season.

"I look at the schedule, and I think we have a really good chance to win all our games," he said. "I want to be a part of that.

"But it's going to take more than just me. I think at least three of us are going to end up running the ball."

 

[NoTalentAndFatToo]

There is, of course, room for analytical stuff from beat guys, but you have to earn the respect of the readers before you can go down that road. Most of the stuff posted here for critique is by young writers that aren't at that point of their career yet.

Good point. I didn't think about that.

By the way, you're not doing Chris Bosh any favors with your imaginary transcription:

"There are sixth man."

Man...I need to go back to bed.

;D

 

[NoTalentAndFatToo]

And can someone tell me why I write "are" for "our" all the time?



Oh yeah...the stupidity.

Carry on...

 

[JayFarrar]

Was this a news story, feature, a notebook item or a short column?

 

[Boobie Miles]

Say someone shoots 20-for-20 from the field. Would it be wrong in your opinion for the writer to say he had a good shooting night? That he was unstoppable? That he was dominant?

I would argue that in that case the stats attribute the statement. I'll amend my statement to attribute or demonstrate.

Take this:

Chris Bosh was dominant throughout the contest, scoring 32 points and adding 12 rebounds. It was his best game of the year said coach Sam Mitchell.

"Chris gets better every night," Mitchell said. "He deserves to be in any conversation about this league's best players."

The game was never in doubt. The Raptors ripped off a 18-3 run to start the game and never trailed. The closest the Nets got after the first quarter was 15.

The rambunctious sell-out crowd appeared to rattle the visitors. Former Raptor Vince Carter, booed, as always, whenever he touched the ball, was held to just 11 points. Carter had to be restrained by teammates early in the third quarter, getting in a shouting match with a courtside spectator.

"They're our sixth man" Bosh said. "They did their job tonight."

Everything is attributed in my work of fiction above, but it still has color.

There is, of course, room for analytical stuff from beat guys, but you have to earn the respect of the readers before you can go down that road. Most of the stuff posted here for critique is by young writers that aren't at that point of their career yet.

OK I see what you were saying more clearly now. I was just thinking that if you feel everything a writer writes needs to be attributed it would really bog down a story. But your example is the way I was thinking, and so I see you are ok with that. Good point on the young writers, I'm sure they're thankful to have someone take the time you do critiquing their work.

 

[friend of the friendless]

Mr It,

"Thing" in second graf ... just wrong.

So he has a rep as injury prone, a history of injuries, whatever ... I'd try to start with his confidence (or lack thereof) with prospect of a recurring problem. You try to establish that this is a tag he must overcome --- I think it would be a little more interesting if we start with the first person he has to convince ... himself.

And we don't hear from your subject for a hellishly long time.

You back into the story and bury the voice -- I'd want to hear from him in graf 4,

YHS, etc