Just troubles

[Precious Roy]

Really wanted to come on here under a new name because there are a few people who know who I really am, but screw it, I am secure in myself and what the process is and I just need a place to vent for a second and here seems like a place as good as any and has been a good place for many to express themselves pretty darn freely in the past and it work out pretty well.
So here goes.
I am a drug addict. Have been for years, and it hasn't caused me a lot of problems. I have been functional and have always been able to do what I need to do to make sure that nobody ever really knew what was going on below the surface with me.
The reason I am coming here is that I need to change. Over the last two months I have gone to the hospital once and have been kicked out of my house twice by my amazing wife, something I never thought in a million years would happen. I always thought I was in control, which I guess is the lie we always tell ourselves.
The shame and guilt of what I have become is bringing to the surface all those dark thoughts that likely sent me down this rabbit hole, and there's a huge part of me that wants to just find a way to make everything go dark and never turn the lights on again.
I am currently finally in counseling, and will begin an outpatient rehab program next week (it was the earliest they could get me in for evaluation), so those are significant first steps for me (I quit drugs before cold turkey 10 years ago but relapsed two years ago and have been off the wagon ever since).
I guess I am putting this out there just because I know there are people out there who have either been through what I am going through or are even going through it right now. I don't have a lot of positive things to say about myself, but I KNOW I am going to kick this thing and get my family back. I don't have a lot of hope for myself, but I do have hope that I can get clean and be a good father again, and that's really all that matters to me anymore.
Thanks for listening, and I just hope that if you are in the same situation that I am that you go seek help. The rabbit hole is deep and dark, but you have to poke your head out someday, come up and get some air.

 

[Dick Whitman]

Good luck, PR. I have nothing but sympathy. You'll beat this.

 

[waterytart]

That amazing wife? She saw something in you before that was worth marrying. No matter how down you are on yourself right now, he's still there somewhere. Find him.

Thoughts and prayers.

 

[Machine Head]

That amazing wife? She saw something in you before that was worth marrying. No matter how down you are on yourself right now, he's still there somewhere. Find him.

Thoughts and prayers.

Listen to Ms. Tart.

Keep moving forward.

 

[MisterCreosote]

I've been where you are, Roy. You've taken a good first step.

If you need or want advice or someone to vent to, shoot me a PM.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Colton]

Best wishes, Roy. Kick its ass!

 

[cyclingwriter]

You are taking the right steps already. You are admitting you have a problem. Good luck.

 

[imjustagirl]

Roy,

That was a very brave post, and you're very brave in facing this head-on, no matter how long it has taken you to get there. I have every faith in you.

 

[YankeeFan]

Best of luck. We're all rooting for you, and your family.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

PR, you've taken the first steps and those are often the most difficult.

Make the journey and stay the course. Keep us updated.

All the best ...

 

[Precious Roy]

Thanks for all the kind words. I'm really feeling sick right now and I'm just trying to get through this shift and put out a decent paper and your words are helping me through it. Thanks again everyone.

 

[spikechiquet]

Take it or not...but I'm prayin' for ya.

 

[Precious Roy]

Take it or not...but I'm prayin' for ya.

Certainly take it, even if I'm not of the same faith, thank you.

 

[Dyno]

Agreed - this was very brave of you and I'm rooting for you. You can do it.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Good luck Roy. Better times are ahead.

 

[amraeder]

Know that you've got people on this board pulling for you, Roy. It sounds like you've got a great reason for kicking the habit. As others have said, I know you can do it. And hopefully this thread shows - you've got support here, if you ever need to tap into it. Keep us posted.

 

[Alma]

It takes guts to own up to an addiction, guts to beat back those demons and guts for your wife to find her bottom line. That's usually the hardest part, the loved ones finding that line.

Prayers your way and her way.

 

[Double J]

Wishing you good things, Roy.

 

[Gator]

Agree with everyone else here .... very brave of you to come on here (as yourself, so to speak) and admit there is a problem. I know that most of us here don't know each all that well (or at all), but positive re-enforcement, no matter where it comes from, is important. You can absolutely do this. Good luck, and just envision how amazing it will feel when you're being the best you.

 

[Riptide]

Roy, I never did hard drugs, but in the past three years I've given up my own vices: beer, Coca-Cola (sugar drinks, really) and the really tough one, nicotine. I don't miss the beer or the Cokes, but most of all it is so great to not be chained down and dependent on an addictive drug in my bloodstream anymore. Even nicotine, a legal drug, disrupts your entire life.

My point is, you'll love living free of your chains once you get there.
It's so much better now to drink water and breathe free, with a clear head.
Breathe deep when you need to relax or refocus, and best of luck all the way.