John Zorn leaving loaded Aberdeen (MS) Lady Bulldogs

[bspeck]

Zorn leaving Lady Dogs
By BRANDON SPECK
Sports Editor
Amory (MS) Advertiser
Aberdeen (MS) Examiner
ABERDEEN, Miss. - Wanted: Head basketball coach for one of state’s most loaded girls’ basketball teams.
That’s the way the position could read as Aberdeen Lady Bulldog coach John Zorn has resigned his post to take an assistant head coaching position at Class 5A Central Gwinnett High School in Lawrenceville, Ga.
The decision to join his former Belhaven coach Dennis Roland as offensive line coach and assistant head coach was too good to pass up, but also the toughest decision of the 27-year-old’s young career.
“Most definitely,” Zorn said, “I kind of felt like I had some unfinished business in football. The Lord was leading me to do it.”
Zorn informed his players last week.
“I guess they were fine. Pretty much everybody I’ve talked to figured at some point I was young, trying to move on up. Of course, I was sad just like they were.”
In his second year as head coach, Zorn took the Lady Bulldogs to their first trip to the state tournament and finished with a school record 26-10 mark. Aberdeen returns a dangerous lineup, with senior Jasmine Quinn, sophomore Jameika Hoskins and junior Sally Davis leading a team with high expectations.
“It made it a tough decision,” Zorn said. “We’re loaded as far as athlete-wise. They’ve got a lot of heart and are just now realizing their potential. They’ve got a chance the next couple of years.
Zorn also served as a graduate assistant at Belhaven before coaching the offensive line at Aberdeen.
“I love basketball. I love my girls. It was just something I felt like I needed to do,” Zorn said. “I enjoyed my time here at Aberdeen. I’ve been here for three-and-a-half years. Of course I’ll miss my students. Aberdeen did me well, treated me right. I don’t have any regrets at all.”

bs

 

[tapintoamerica]

Is there something else to this story?

 

[Mizzougrad96]

I'm stunned there's only one thread dedicated to this huge story...

 

[John]

Umm, keep us posted on this breaking news?

 

[spnited]

Maybe Brandon thought he'd impress us with his writing.
He didn't.

 

[Football_Bat]

Release ... the ...

 

[jgmacg]

How this wound up in the Writers' Workshop, I have no idea.

But of all the stories I've read about John Zorn's departure from the loaded Aberdeen (MS) Lady Bulldogs, it's among the finest.

 

[Mizzougrad96]

Wow... For such a huge story, it looks like they gave him about 200 words...

Maybe that's just the initial posting for the web... I'll expect an 80-inch feature with a couple sidebars and a timeline for the section...

The tribute section can run next Sunday...

 

[jgmacg]

We welcome you. Did you bring anything to eat?

 

[Chi City 81]

I don't think I've ever said this before, but leave the poor kid alone. He didn't pretend to be an effing stud, or claim to be a future APSE winner like Justin Blanchard. He just posted his story on the wrong board.

The kid has five posts here, and just wants a little constructive criticism for his piece. Is that too much to ask?

 

[jgmacg]

GD -

I saw that this was moved here, but is that why? I thought it was a moderator mistake. Did Brandon really want some eyeballs on this for workshop purposes? If so, I apologize for having made light of it. Usually they come in with a little note at the top - "Please look at this," or something.

 

[Chi City 81]

GD -

I saw that this was moved here, but is that why? I thought it was a moderator mistake. Did Brandon really want some eyeballs on this for workshop purposes? If so, I apologize for having made light of it. Usually they come in with a little note at the top - "Please look at this," or something.

God, I hope so. If not, I'm sorry for coming down on you all.

 

[jgmacg]

I honestly wasn't sure why Headbutt had just placed it here.

Here's the thing, and I'll take this opportunity to apologize to Brandon again, we never mock stories in the workshop. Ever. This was originally posted, I think, in Sports and News. It wound up over here after several folks had already commented on it. I believe the confusion arose because, again, there was no note at the top asking for comments.

And we've had situations here - just this past Friday, in fact - where a story was moved to the workshop by a moderator and the writer was upset that we'd workshopped it. So I'm a little gunshy now of offering a critique unless the writer is specifically asking for one.

Anyway, Brandon, if you're still out there, sorry for the confusion, my friend. I'd be happy to comment on your story if that's why you brought it to us.

 

[Angola!]

My edits are in (parentheses).

Zorn leaving Lady Dogs
By BRANDON SPECK
Sports Editor
Amory (MS) Advertiser
Aberdeen (MS) Examiner
ABERDEEN, Miss. - Wanted: Head basketball coach for one of state’s most loaded girls’ basketball teams.

(I don't like the use of the word loaded, especially because the coach uses it in a quote later on. And the phrasing, 'most loaded' sounds awkward).

That’s the way the position could read as Aberdeen Lady Bulldog coach John Zorn has resigned his post to take an assistant head coaching position at Class 5A Central Gwinnett High School in Lawrenceville, Ga.
The decision to join his former Belhaven coach Dennis Roland as offensive line coach and assistant head coach was too good to pass up, but also the toughest decision of the 27-year-old’s young career.

(What sport is he going to be an assistant head coach in? Basketball or football? If it is just football, I think it is interesting he is leaving girls basketball to coach football. Was he an assistant football coach at Aberdeen? If so, you might want to get that in the story).

“Most definitely,” Zorn said, “I kind of felt like I had some unfinished business in football. The Lord was leading me to do it.”
Zorn informed his players last week.
“I guess they were fine. Pretty much everybody I’ve talked to figured at some point I was young, trying to move on up. Of course, I was sad just like they were.”
In his second year as head coach, Zorn took the Lady Bulldogs to their first trip to the state tournament and finished with a school record 26-10 mark. Aberdeen returns a dangerous lineup, with senior Jasmine Quinn, sophomore Jameika Hoskins and junior Sally Davis leading a team with high expectations.

(I would have tried to get this part up higher, since it was their first trip to state and set a school record for wins).

“It made it a tough decision,” Zorn said. “We’re loaded as far as athlete-wise. They’ve got a lot of heart and are just now realizing their potential. They’ve got a chance the next couple of years.
Zorn also served as a graduate assistant at Belhaven before coaching the offensive line at Aberdeen.

(This part needs to be up higher, since he says he has 'unfinished business' in football and we don't find out until near the end he is even an assistant football coach at Aberdeen).

“I love basketball. I love my girls. It was just something I felt like I needed to do,” Zorn said. “I enjoyed my time here at Aberdeen. I’ve been here for three-and-a-half years. Of course I’ll miss my students. Aberdeen did me well, treated me right. I don’t have any regrets at all.”

bs

Not the worst story in the world, by any means. But you should have gotten a second source. You could have talked to the AD about what direction Aberdeen is going to go in hiring a new coach. You also could have talked to a player about what it will be like next year without their head coach.

 

[trompe_loeil]

Don't worry. It's not certain Mizzougrad can write much better.

 

[Central-KY-Kid]

- Would have stayed away from "loaded" as well. Sounds like the girls were coked up. Maybe "experienced", "veteran" or "prolific"

- Using "High School" on the second reference to a school (Central Gwinnett) but not on the first (Aberdeen) doesn't seem right

- You mention Class 5A for Central Gwinnett, but don't specify what class Aberdeen is. In some states, like Kentucky for football, 5A is the next-to-largest class. In others, 1A is the biggest. So unless you specify what 5A is, it seems pointless

- You say Aberdeen is "a team with high expectations", but don't source it anywhere. Are we under the assumption that since Aberdeen is so loaded it therefore must have high expectations?

- You use "young career" in graf 4 ... No kidding? He's 27 as you stated, so his career can't be old or long or distinguished. It's a modifier that added five characters to the article, but didn't add much else to it

 

[dawgpounddiehard]

I honestly wasn't sure why Headbutt had just placed it here.

Here's the thing, and I'll take this opportunity to apologize to Brandon again, we never mock stories in the workshop. Ever. This was originally posted, I think, in Sports and News. It wound up over here after several folks had already commented on it. I believe the confusion arose because, again, there was no note at the top asking for comments.

And we've had situations here - just this past Friday, in fact - where a story was moved to the workshop by a moderator and the writer was upset that we'd workshopped it. So I'm a little gunshy now of offering a critique unless the writer is specifically asking for one.

Anyway, Brandon, if you're still out there, sorry for the confusion, my friend. I'd be happy to comment on your story if that's why you brought it to us.

I didn't see it over in Sports and News, just here and I was kinda shocked by the first couple postings... not something you see in the writers' workshop... and for just cause. These are people learning to write, no need to bust balls.

As for the story, the lede seemed cheesy, especially the "thats the way the position could read as Aberdeen Lady Bulldog coach John Zorn has resigned his post to take an assistant head coaching position at Class 5A Central Gwinnett High School in Lawrenceville, Ga."

It reminds me of the Simpons when Bart tries out for Fall Out Boy. Bart does his line and the director answers:

"You're perfect! That's what we would have said if you were chosen for the role as Fall Out Boy. Next!"

It didn't work for me. If you were looking for a lede, you should have asked some follow up questions on why he felt he had unfinished business in football. It's a simple question sometimes — "Why?" — but you are able to weed through the cliche, bull**** answers that end in "the Lord was leading me to do it." Puh-lease.

And, while you had some good, basic facts in here, stick with those. Don't editorialize that the team is "loaded" or has "high expectations." Tell the reader why it is loaded and has high expectations, just don't write it and leave it at that.

 

[Chad Conant]

I agree with dawgpound.

I thought the story here was him leaving girls basketball to coach football. I might have led with the pull he felt from football.

Let me join the chorus of the "loaded" bashers. Instead of saying it, illustrate it. Tell me what makes the team that good, even if you're just reciting stats off a page. That would, also, be the perfect spot to include a quote from the AD or a player and allowing the player to talk about their high expectations.