Intro for long feature

[TyWebb]

I'm working on a long feature about a set of brothers in our area. The story, in a nutshell, goes: Katrina hit, destroying the younger brother's school and chance of playing football. Older brother, a senior in college, drops out and moves himself and his brother to our area so he can keep playing football and get a good education. The two live together, on their own.

I've re-worked this intro several times. I think I found the right moment to focus in on, but I wanted to see how the board thinks it reads.

Tear it apart, fellas (and ladies).

After a rain-soaked practice last week, Johnny Younger was making his way to his locker in Podunk’s fieldhouse.
Before he got there, he caught eyes with a 6-foot-8, 240-pound man waiting in the hallway.
“Hey dad,” Younger said with a nod.
The big guy responded only with a smile, a chuckle and a nod back.
Youngers’s greeting was meant as a joke. But this joke has more than just a little truth behind it.
The big guy, who can be seen regularly on the sidelines at practices, is not his dad. He is Younger’s older brother, 25-year-old Jerry Bigman. But since Hurricane Katrina forced Johnny out of his Louisiana home and separated the 17-year-old from the rest of his family, Bigman has played the roles of big brother, father and coach for Gerald, a senior receiver for the Generic Names.
“He led me here,” Younger said of his brother. “He’s my guardian.”

 

[jlee]

I'm intrigued. Roll with it, IMO.

 

[dawgpounddiehard]

I'm intrigued. Roll with it, IMO.

Ditto. Maybe just alittle more description of the 6-8, 240 pound guy. What he was wearing, how he was walking, etc.

Otherwise, solid lede. Well done.

 

[jgmacg]

Couple of crackpot suggestions to start the day. Thanks for posting again, Ty.

After a rain-soaked practice last week, Johnny Younger was making made his way to his locker in Podunk’s fieldhouse.
Before he got there, he caught [awk. "locked"?] eyes with a 6-foot-8, 240-pound man in jeans and boots and a massive hoodie [or whatever] waiting [weak word. here's where you can fill in some detail, per DawgP. I.e., "whose shadow seemed to fill the hallway from the lights to the floor and wall to wall", etc.] in the hallway.
“Hey dad,” Younger said with a nod.
The big guy [don't like 'guy' - try 'man'] responded only with a smile, a chuckle and a nod back.
Youngers’s greeting was meant as a joke. But this joke has more than just a little truth behind it.
The big [find another adjective here] guy [ww. again], who can be seen regularly on the sidelines at practices, is not his dad. He is Younger’s older brother, 25-year-old Jerry Bigman. But since Hurricane Katrina forced Johnny out of his Louisiana home and separated the 17-year-old from the rest of his family, Bigman has played the roles of big brother, father and coach for Gerald, a senior receiver for the Generic Names.
“He led me here,” Younger said of his [big - no huge - ] brother. “He’s my guardian.”

 

[TyWebb]

Thanks for the input. I've been looking for a spot in the story to include some description of the older brother. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.

I'll be sure to post the rest of the story when it gets done.

 

[TyWebb]

Quick thought jgmacg:

The big man was leaning against the wall in the hallway. Does this sound better, or is the last part cliche?

Before he got there, he locked eyes with a 6-foot-8, 240-pound man in jeans, a white T-shirt and a baseball cap holding up the wall in the hallway.

 

[friend of the friendless]

Mr Webb,

A little sensory content ... can his cleats clatter on the concrete floor? can he be mud-covered? steamy place? shouting in background? younger's posture, exhausted, weary, limping, what-have-you?

YHS, etc

 

[jgmacg]

Per FotF, try to specify your detail, and make it lively.