This is not really a holiday thread, but it’s sort of related, so L’Shana Tova if you are so inclined, and may your dinner not include any Oreos whatsoever.
So I’m going to my friend’s house for Rosh Hashana, because a) Boom is away and b) my mother will not be there. I ask my friend what I can bring, thinking about wine or maybe a nice fruit plate……and she says, ‘Bring dessert.’
Now, asking me to bring dessert is like asking someone who doesn’t drink to bring the beer…like asking a vegetarian to bring hot dogs. I don’t eat dessert. I definitely don't make dessert. I do, however, have a sneaky thing with Oreos. I realize, pursuant to the White Castle ordeal, it may appear I have some kind of eating disorder, ie spontaneous attraction to really bad food, but other than Oreos, I eat very clean. No soda, pasta, bread, meat, grease (WC notwithstanding), and definitely no dessert.
So I call my sister. ‘I need to make dessert.’
I can hear her clenching. ‘Dessert? Can you just buy some ****ing dessert?? I don’t have time to teach you dessert, Lou's head is stuck in the laundry chute, I need to go to Mom’s and set him free, I don’t have time for your ****ing dessert.’
I didn't even know there was a laundry chute.
‘Just give me an idea.’
‘Jesus, 21, I don’t know, make that thing, you know, that thing? With the Oreos? Pudding and Cool Whip and some other stuff? Figure it out, I have to go, Emmah is cutting the dog’s hair.’
The thing with the Oreos, okay, I can do that. In fact, I’ll give you the recipe here, if anyone wants. Very easy. If you still want Oreos after this.
The Oreo part of this mess calls for 3 bags of smashed Oreos. I’m sure there’s a very Top Cheffy way to smash Oreos, but all I know is 1) take handfuls of Oreos, and 2) smash.
For 15 minutes, I smash. When I am done, I look like I’m wearing Oreo mittens. An inch thick from fingernails to forearm. Actually somewhat erotic, to be honest, if you're into that sort of thing.
I move over to the sink to rinse off, and here is what I learned: Oreos are waterproof. That sneaky frosting in the middle is nothing but disgusting corpulescent lard, blended with axle grease and disguised to taste like sugar. For ten minutes I held my hands under hot water, with dish soap, and could not get the Oreo sludge off my skin. You could have clogged the entire Lincoln Tunnel and had enough left over to do Drew Rosenhaus’s hair, with what was on my hands. After the chocolate part finally rinsed away, I was still covered in half an inch of waterproof oily white gunk.
It took lemon juice, nail polish remover, 409, and club soda to finally get clean.
So I’m sorry if you’re an Oreo person, but you might as well eat congealed bacon drippings with a spoon, because that’s what we got here.
Let me know if you want the recipe.
And Happy New Year.
So I’m going to my friend’s house for Rosh Hashana, because a) Boom is away and b) my mother will not be there. I ask my friend what I can bring, thinking about wine or maybe a nice fruit plate……and she says, ‘Bring dessert.’
Now, asking me to bring dessert is like asking someone who doesn’t drink to bring the beer…like asking a vegetarian to bring hot dogs. I don’t eat dessert. I definitely don't make dessert. I do, however, have a sneaky thing with Oreos. I realize, pursuant to the White Castle ordeal, it may appear I have some kind of eating disorder, ie spontaneous attraction to really bad food, but other than Oreos, I eat very clean. No soda, pasta, bread, meat, grease (WC notwithstanding), and definitely no dessert.
So I call my sister. ‘I need to make dessert.’
I can hear her clenching. ‘Dessert? Can you just buy some ****ing dessert?? I don’t have time to teach you dessert, Lou's head is stuck in the laundry chute, I need to go to Mom’s and set him free, I don’t have time for your ****ing dessert.’
I didn't even know there was a laundry chute.
‘Just give me an idea.’
‘Jesus, 21, I don’t know, make that thing, you know, that thing? With the Oreos? Pudding and Cool Whip and some other stuff? Figure it out, I have to go, Emmah is cutting the dog’s hair.’
The thing with the Oreos, okay, I can do that. In fact, I’ll give you the recipe here, if anyone wants. Very easy. If you still want Oreos after this.
The Oreo part of this mess calls for 3 bags of smashed Oreos. I’m sure there’s a very Top Cheffy way to smash Oreos, but all I know is 1) take handfuls of Oreos, and 2) smash.
For 15 minutes, I smash. When I am done, I look like I’m wearing Oreo mittens. An inch thick from fingernails to forearm. Actually somewhat erotic, to be honest, if you're into that sort of thing.
I move over to the sink to rinse off, and here is what I learned: Oreos are waterproof. That sneaky frosting in the middle is nothing but disgusting corpulescent lard, blended with axle grease and disguised to taste like sugar. For ten minutes I held my hands under hot water, with dish soap, and could not get the Oreo sludge off my skin. You could have clogged the entire Lincoln Tunnel and had enough left over to do Drew Rosenhaus’s hair, with what was on my hands. After the chocolate part finally rinsed away, I was still covered in half an inch of waterproof oily white gunk.
It took lemon juice, nail polish remover, 409, and club soda to finally get clean.
So I’m sorry if you’re an Oreo person, but you might as well eat congealed bacon drippings with a spoon, because that’s what we got here.
Let me know if you want the recipe.
And Happy New Year.
![Pampers Sensitive Baby Wipes, Clinically Proven, Fragrance Free, Unscented, Water Based, Hypoallergenic, Multi-Use, Hand Wipes 336 Wipes Total (6X Flip-Top Packs) [Packaging May Vary]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41KLBHu9CAL._SL500_.jpg)
