Help Settle An Etiquette Dispute

[Webster]

So for about the 50th time, last night Mrs. W and I got into an argument about a wedding gift not given. Here is the scenario.

About 13 years ago, one of my roommates from college was getting married about 2 hours outside of NYC. He was very reluctant to get married and told me a few times in the weeks before that he didn't want to go through with it.

The day before the wedding, Mrs. W (who had not yet made the mistake of marrying me) got really sick and I ended up spending the night with her. She wasn't able to make the trip to the wedding and in the rush to drive there, I left the card (and enclosed check) at her place.

Wedding takes place, everything seems happy. In apologizing to the bride and groom, I told them that Mrs. W and I would take them out to dinner when they returned and will give them their gift then. I leave a voicemail again apologizing while they are on their honeymoon.

A couple of weeks pass and I don't hear from them. I leave a few more messages and after about 6 weeks, the bride calls me back and says that they split up a couple of days after the ceremony. My friend and I get together and he says that going through with the wedding was a mistake and that he doesn't want to talk about how it ended. We get together a couple of times in the next few months, but he basically doesn't want to discuss it and we really don't see each other.

About a year later, out of the blue, we get a call from the two of them inviting us over for dinner in their new place. We go over and they act like nothing has happened. I raise the topic in private with him, but he says that they are happy now, and that's all that matters.

I decided not to give them the wedding gift because I didn't want to open old wounds. After getting together a few more times, we sort of drift apart and they decline an invite to our wedding. Mrs. W thinks that I was completely wrong and that because they stayed married, we owed them the gift. Whenever the topic gets raised (including last night at a family dinner), it turns into a big fight. In fact, many years ago she made me donate the gift amount to charity to show that I wasn't just being cheap.

So -- should I have given the gift or was I justified?

 

[Lugnuts]

Justified. Really and truly, a wedding gift or no gift from you at this point should be the least of their concerns.

If for some reason they are mad about not receiving a gift from you, they are insane, and do you really need insanity in your life?

No. They had some major sorting out to do, which had nothing to do with goblets or wine racks.

 

[JC]

You should have given them the gift. They got married, stayed married and you wnet to the wedding and iI assume ate and drank for free. For the amount of that cheque, was it really worth it to not just give them the money?

 

[Inky_Wretch]

You made an honest mistake, no harm there.

They split up after the wedding, so you certainly didn't owe it to them then.

You go a year without hearing from them, you absolutely don't owe them a gift at that point either.

 

[dooley_womack1]

As long as you kept your pinkies raised when sipping from the soup bowl at the reception, you're good etiquette-wise

 

[The Big Ragu]

Weird situation. No playbook for something like that. You shouldn't be second guessing it 13 years later. It should have been buried in the past long ago.

 

[cranberry]

These things work themselves out over time.

 

[Dyno]

It's definitely a weird situation. I guess my biggest question is why is your wife is so upset about it? If this happened 13 years ago and she's getting so mad it turns into a fight, I'm wondering if there isn't some other issue - related or unrelated - going on. When is the last time you saw these people? Did the wife say something to your wife? Are there mutual friends who might have said something to your wife?

 

[Webster]

It's definitely a weird situation. I guess my biggest question is why is your wife is so upset about it? If this happened 13 years ago and she's getting so mad it turns into a fight, I'm wondering if there isn't some other issue - related or unrelated - going on. When is the last time you saw these people? Did the wife say something to your wife? Are there mutual friends who might have said something to your wife?

We have no mutual friends and Mrs. W. didn't like my roommate at all -- he's a bit offputting. I'm not sure why this has stayed as a big thing as we are usually on the same page as a couple.

 

[LongTimeListener]

You gotta find out what happened on the honeymoon.

 

[JC]

Your intention was to give them a gift, you should have made the effort to follow through on that regardless of what happened after. I would hope nobody would go to a wedding and intentionally not bring a gift, not following up is the same thing IMO.

 

[Double Down]

You owed them nothing. Went to a wedding once that was called off the day of the event. My gift (which i sent early, at my wife's prompting) was politely returned. The bride was mortified to have to do it. There was a brief reconciliation but they called off the relationship soon after. Would have caused them less angst had I never got the gift.

 

[JC]

You owed them nothing. Went to a wedding once that was called off the day of the event. My gift (which i sent early, at my wife's prompting) was politely returned. The bride was mortified to have to do it. There was a brief reconciliation but they called off the relationship soon after. Would have caused them less angst had I never got the gift.

Unless I read it wrong the wedding was not called off.

 

[LongTimeListener]

Don't you have a year to get them a gift? That was my working assumption in my 20s, anyway. Waited the full year most times, and there were one or two where that patience ended up saving me some money.

 

[shockey]

i would've given them the gift... you attended their wedding and intended to do so, then blah blah blah... they finally re-married. forget the 'etiquette' from the dear abbys of the world. this was your friend's wedding/marriage. what did your gut tell you? seems to me it's been telling you forwarding the gift to them should've been the way to go but only you can answer that. but finally sending them a 'better late than never' card would've covered all your bases and perfectly described your feeling and theirs for the entire mini-drama.

imho, anyhoo, fwiw -- which probably ain't much... :

 

[Versatile]

The part I object to is that your mistake, not bringing the card initially, absolves you of giving the gift entirely. That doesn't seem right or fair. You intended to give a gift, forgot and never gave it to them. Everyone else (I assume) at the wedding gave a gift. And the couple was married and stayed married.

Forgetting to bring the dip to a party and forgetting to bring a gift to a wedding are very different things. I am on your wife's side, but I can't imagine I would be thinking about it 13 years later.

 

[JC]

Don't you have a year to get them a gift? That was my working assumption in my 20s, anyway. Waited the full year most times, and there were one or two where that patience ended up saving me some money.

I have never heard of this before.

 

[Webster]

You gotta find out what happened on the honeymoon.

Put it this way -- I was out with him one night and we meet up two girls that he was in grad school with. It is pretty apparent that one of the two of them was very cozy with him and after about 30 minutes, he leaves with her. Surprising to me because seemed serious with his girlfriend. The next night he calls me and tells me that he just got engaged. I asked if it was the brunette the night before and he acted like I was crazy and said that he just proposed to his longtime girlfriend. So no shock that there were some bumps in the road.

 

[Webster]

Don't you have a year to get them a gift? That was my working assumption in my 20s, anyway. Waited the full year most times, and there were one or two where that patience ended up saving me some money.

It was more than a year -- probably 18 months. It was a over a year since I saw him last.

 

[king cranium maximus IV]

Whenever the topic gets raised (including last night at a family dinner), it turns into a big fight.

Divorce your wife.