Help Please...In-Laws Problem

[qtlaw]

So my wife of 16 years has had a falling out with her parents who live 3000 miles away (she moved away to where we are and I met her to get away). Father's always been controlling and wife, only daughter, has always acquiesced to those demands in many respects and while confronting him at times, never really called him out for exactly what he is. I have never said anything to father in law, just kept mouth shut, hi, hello, thank you for your gifts, how's your health, goodbye. Well she had a blowout phone call with him last week and it looks like communications are over and mother in law who would always respond and talked to wifey almost daily has likewise stopped. Wife is very hurt but adamantly tells me not to contact them. I've complied but I just want to call them to see if that's their decision without any bias or statements on wife's behalf.

Any clues? Any advice? (I am fortunate enough to have parents who just let me grow in my own way and never told me what to do after I went to college.)

 

[YankeeFan]

Never been married, but I would not contact them.

You need to be "on her side" in this. You talk to the in-laws, and you look disloyal.

 

[PCLoadLetter]

I would stay the hell out of it. YF is right. If your wife is finally standing up to her father, the last thing she wants is her husband going behind her back to contact them. There is nothing to be gained there.

 

[FileNotFound]

Gonna go with YF on this one. If you think your wife is being unreasonable, that's between you and her. But whatever is happening between your wife and her parents is between them, and she needs to handle it in her way. Be "on her side."

From what I read in the original post, this has been brewing between her and her dad for a long time and was probably overdue.

 

[RickStain]

Never been married, but I would not contact them.

You need to be "on her side" in this. You talk to the in-laws, and you look disloyal.

But being on your wife's side sometimes means doing things she may not approve of in the short-term, but will thank you for in the long term.

Everyone has to know their own wife, I guess.

I would never, ever undercut my wife like that. She has a long history of doing the right thing, but only after you've given her time and space to have her emotional blowup. Trying to go behind her back like that would not go well.

 

[qtlaw]

Yeah, I was leaning heavily towards not doing anything. Its been successful for 16 years for me. Just wanted to let it out somehow. Thanks folks. Really.

 

[Turtle Wexler]

Do NOT contact her parents without her consent.

 

[KJIM]

"Wife is very hurt but adamantly tells me not to contact them"

That answered it for me.

 

[trifectarich]

Do not do something your wife has asked you not to do. With time, the level of her hatred is likely to lessen.

Trust me on this: it is very difficult to pick up the phone and make that first move toward reconciliation. But life is far too short to hold grudges like this. If she ever realizes this, she'll reach out.

Good luck.

 

[Webster]

When it comes to matters like these, you are a blindly loyal member of team Mrs. qtlaw, especially when the hurt is fresh.

 

[Ace]

Third the notion not to contact them.

I am lucky, I guess, not to have any significant issues with family members but if I did, it seems that not talking to someone who has been a controlling asshole and lives 3,000 miles away would be a good thing.

 

[EStreetJoe]

Follow your wife's wishes and do not contact them. It's as simple as that.

 

[Starman]

The only scenario I could see making any move yourself to contact your wife's parents is if she was acting totally irrationally/unreasonably, which does not appear to be the case here.

Other than that, if you think she should be considering other factors/information in deciding how to act toward her parents, then you talk directly (and privately) to her about it. But in public (and especially to the in-laws) you present a united front. Once she says "this is what I'm going to do," then that's it.

Sure both sides probably need to grow up and swallow some pride, but from all indications it's mainly your FIL who needs to do it. He needs to know time is a factor -- doing the rough math I would guess he's already in his 60s -- and he does not have unlimited decades ahead to come out the "winner" in this pissing contest.

But that doesn't mean your wife needs to surrender. If daddy is just hell-bent on living out his life as a controlling asshole, nobody else can make him stop.

 

[qtlaw]

I have no doubt I am going to do nothing. Thanks really for your solid responses. Yeah he's 73 and unfortunately thinks he's all knowing about everything. There is no way I would have survived if he was any closer. I had to tell wifey to tell him to back off and stop disciplining my first when he was a toddler. Said "he was already a father, had his shot, just be a grandpa". He was so full of himself that "grandfather" made him feel too old so he told us kids were to call him "granddad" instead. Sheesh.

 

[qtlaw]

The only scenario I could see making any move yourself to contact your wife's parents is if she was acting totally irrationally/unreasonably...

Hence the original rationale for my original posts here. Again, many apologies, qt.

No apologies needed. Thanks for your help.

 

[LongTimeListener]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

 

[Starman]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

Of course that is true but it doesn't mean your wife needs to sacrifice her dignity and self-respect (and yours in the process).

Just between you and your wife, I would suggest to her to continue efforts to negotiate through the back channel of her mother.

Put it in naked terms: "look Dad is 73 and you are 67 (or whatever), you are not going to be around forever and I would like our children to have good memories of their grandparents. Tell Dad he needs to accept the fact that we live a long long way away, we are going to live our lives and raise our kids as we see fit, we don't tell you two how to live and he doesn't need to tell us how to live. If he can deal with that I am willing to talk."

But the decision on whether to say that or not should be entirely up to her.

 

[93Devil]

Support your wife, and time heals wounds.

Lots of good comments on this thread.

How old are your kids? Be careful this rift is not seen by them. Mommy and Daddy don't like Nanna and Pappa is not a comfortable thing for a kid to see.

 

[Ace]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

I will, and take this with a grain of salt, agree completely with this. My second ex's father died when she was in her early 20s, and she will take the conflict she had with him to her grave. I told her many times that, if I had one wish, it would be to go back and knock some sense into her father and make him treat her right.

I really don't understand this thinking. I don't waste a second worrying about why likes me or why I don't get along with someone else.

If I don't like someone, it's because they're a jerk -- relative or not.

If someone doesn't like me, I'm sure they have their reasons.

I don't worry for a nanosecond about how people feel about me, unless I need to borrow money or something.

 

[spaceman]

Agree here, to back the wife. You didn't marry the in-laws. For now, don't contact anyone. Wait a few weeks and take the temperature with the wife. If it feels right, you can always offer to serve as an intermediary IF she wants you to. If she says no again, after she's had time to reflect, then you have your answer, again.