Help Please...In-Laws Problem

[trifectarich]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

I will, and take this with a grain of salt, agree completely with this. My second ex's father died when she was in her early 20s, and she will take the conflict she had with him to her grave. I told her many times that, if I had one wish, it would be to go back and knock some sense into her father and make him treat her right.

If I don't like someone, it's because they're a jerk -- relative or not.

I would ask you to keep in mind that when we get into our 60s and 70s, we generally begin to deteriorate, both physically and mentally. A person might seem to be mean, hot-tempered and irrational, but don't discount the possibility that there's an onset of something more serious that's causing this kind of behavior.

 

[qtlaw]

You folks have been wonderful. You have mirrored my first inclination which I have followed for 48yrs. I will follow it again and stay out.

Our boys are 12 & 10 and we do try to keep arguing away from them but hey have seen wifey and I argue and makeup. I do agree in-law stuff is not to be heard.

 

[Starman]

I would ask you to keep in mind that when we get into our 60s and 70s, we generally begin to deteriorate, both physically and mentally. A person might seem to be mean, hot-tempered and irrational, but don't discount the possibility that there's an onset of something more serious that's causing this kind of behavior.

Certainly possible but QT has noted the overbearing controlling behavior by the FIL pre-dated even when he and wifey met. It does not sound like any kind of new development.

At some point Dad has to realize that once the kids move out, you don't really get to tell them what to do anymore.

 

[Iron_chet]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

I will, and take this with a grain of salt, agree completely with this. My second ex's father died when she was in her early 20s, and she will take the conflict she had with him to her grave. I told her many times that, if I had one wish, it would be to go back and knock some sense into her father and make him treat her right.

I really don't understand this thinking. I don't waste a second worrying about why likes me or why I don't get along with someone else.

If I don't like someone, it's because they're a jerk -- relative or not.

If someone doesn't like me, I'm sure they have their reasons.

I don't worry for a nanosecond about how people feel about me, unless I need to borrow money or something.

I agree completely with this. My parents are jerks who I reconciled with 3 years after they boycotted my wedding. The only reason I reached out was because they had a grandchild.

I get no joy out of interacting with them and am happy having 1500 miles between us. Life is too short to put up with BS that has no benefit.

 

[Ace]

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

I will, and take this with a grain of salt, agree completely with this. My second ex's father died when she was in her early 20s, and she will take the conflict she had with him to her grave. I told her many times that, if I had one wish, it would be to go back and knock some sense into her father and make him treat her right.

If I don't like someone, it's because they're a jerk -- relative or not.

I would ask you to keep in mind that when we get into our 60s and 70s, we generally begin to deteriorate, both physically and mentally. A person might seem to be mean, hot-tempered and irrational, but don't discount the possibility that there's an onset of something more serious that's causing this kind of behavior.

I understand, but qt said the father-in-law was always "controlling." I took that to be a nice way of saying he's an asshole.

 

[murphyc]

I agree with the comments about not contacting the in-laws, especially not behind your wife's back. Even though you're just trying to help, your wife is likely in a slightly irrational state right now and thus your efforts won't be seen as helping. The opposite, most likely.
Adding a wrinkle to the scenario: you're respecting your wife's wishes to not contact the in-laws and a bit later (days/weeks, whatever) the phone rings. You see it is the in-laws calling and your wife is out. Do you not answer and let them leave a message and/or call your wife's cell? Do you answer but politely decline conversation, saying you'll leave a message for their daughter? Do you go ahead and have a regular conversation?
I must say I've been lucky because we both get along great with both of my wife's parents, and we both get along well with my dad (my mom is deceased). It's been that way since before we got married. If I had time off we'd spend a lot more time with the in-laws or my dad, which makes us pretty lucky compared to many.

 

[qtlaw]

I agree with the comments about not contacting the in-laws, especially not behind your wife's back. Even though you're just trying to help, your wife is likely in a slightly irrational state right now and thus your efforts won't be seen as helping. The opposite, most likely.
Adding a wrinkle to the scenario: you're respecting your wife's wishes to not contact the in-laws and a bit later (days/weeks, whatever) the phone rings. You see it is the in-laws calling and your wife is out. Do you not answer and let them leave a message and/or call your wife's cell? Do you answer but politely decline conversation, saying you'll leave a message for their daughter? Do you go ahead and have a regular conversation?
I must say I've been lucky because we both get along great with both of my wife's parents, and we both get along well with my dad (my mom is deceased). It's been that way since before we got married. If I had time off we'd spend a lot more time with the in-laws or my dad, which makes us pretty lucky compared to many.

You are very fortunate. I want to enjoy my ILs but they are just way too intense/sweating small stuff people. My parents/family/friends are not like that and I have never been that way. I frankly don't care what others think, I do my best and if you don't like it, oh well. I cannot/have never had a BS conversation with my ILs, everything has to be intense, mean something huge.

Oh well I've survived 16 yrs.

 

[rico_the_redneck]

We went through something like this with my FIL at Disney World five years ago. Old man threatens to crack my 5 y.o. daughter's head open at Epcot. Aggravated assault according to one lawyer I talked to. This was supposed to be a family vacation where wife's parents (who live 800 miles away) could enjoy time with our kids etc. We had adjoining rooms at a Disney resort etc. So the family vacation comes to an end after the big blow-up. We switched hotels immediately after the incident (wife's idea) and enjoyed the rest of the trip without in-laws. We also went maybe a year not corresponding at all with wife's family.

To my point: I've known my in-laws 20 years, seen them both behave as coldly (MIL) and angry/violent (FIL) as anyone I've ever known. I'd be good with never seeing them again! I thought I might get that wish after Disney. But the advice I got in therapy was that it's my wife's family and ultimately she gets to make those calls. So everything from the hotel move, to ignoring their phone calls, to essentially not acknowledging them at Christmas that year (gifts from them went in the attic.) were all my wife's decisions.

One last thing: In dealing with negativity from my in-laws and some in my own family more recently, the therapist pointed out that just because someone is a member of your "family" doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. If your brother or MIL or whoever wasn't related to you, would you be "friends" and hang out with these people? I would say "no" in a lot of instances and I think seeing things that way has made me more sane! We're still cordial with everyone on all sides, but we/I accept certain relationships for what they are. I no longer expect my FIL to want to visit with my kids because that's not who he is. FIL is in his mid-60s and the psychology says people should become more laid back as they age. There are obviously exceptions.

Sorry for the overkill ... good luck, qtlaw ... I obviously concur with letting your wife call the shots :)

 

[Starman]

We went through something like this with my FIL at Disney World five years ago. Old man threatens to crack my 5 y.o. daughter's head open at Epcot.

All bets are off once a threat of physical violence, especially against the kids, is on the radar screen.

At that point you turn tail and leave; your next communication is a letter from a laywer ordering (not asking or suggesting) FIL get professional counseling before any more contact with the kids is permitted. No discussion, no negotiations. Do it or we bring the Po Po into the picture.

 

[93Devil]

We went through something like this with my FIL at Disney World five years ago. Old man threatens to crack my 5 y.o. daughter's head open at Epcot.

All bets are off once a threat of physical violence, especially against the kids, is on the radar screen.

At that point you turn tail and leave; your next communication is a letter from a laywer ordering (not asking or suggesting) FIL get professional counseling before any more contact with the kids is permitted. No discussion, no negotiations. Do it or we bring the Po Po into the picture.

Have they ever laid a hand on your kid or each other?

 

[qtlaw]

No, no, no, if you're asking me.

 

[forever_town]

Unless you have a damn good reason like your own independent relationship with your in-laws, follow your wife's directives. Even if you did have a strong independent relationship with your in-laws, you would have to either 1) tread VERY carefully or 2) tell your wife why you CAN'T abide by her directive.

It would have to be a VERY close relationship with the in laws, though. Based on what I'm seeing here, that doesn't apply.

If there are children/grandchildren involved and they're too young to advocate for themselves (and they have a good relationship with your in laws), I would not allow your wife to use them as pawns between their parents.

Then again, I'm single and have been for 16 years. Take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

 

[Starman]

We went through something like this with my FIL at Disney World five years ago. Old man threatens to crack my 5 y.o. daughter's head open at Epcot.

All bets are off once a threat of physical violence, especially against the kids, is on the radar screen.

At that point you turn tail and leave; your next communication is a letter from a laywer ordering (not asking or suggesting) FIL get professional counseling before any more contact with the kids is permitted. No discussion, no negotiations. Do it or we bring the Po Po into the picture.

Have they ever laid a hand on your kid or each other?

If FIL is making the threat to "crack (the 5-year-old's) head open" in anything other than a totally joking manner, you blow the whistle.

Five-year-old kids don't know when adults are joking or when they're not. That **** needs to be stopped in its tracks.

Of course this does not apply to QTLaw's case, but Rico's.

 

[Herbert Anchovy]

I consider my FIL a very adequate fill-in for my late father and have had great relationships with girlfriends' fathers. Even smoked out with one, privately, many eons ago.

 

[Starman]

Even though I am now 12 years divorced, I never had any problems whatsoever with my in-laws. They left us alone to handle our own problems (in the end it didn't work out but I respect them for staying out of it).

Even after the breakup they were never anything less than pleasant. They sent a really nice flower arrangement when my dad died, even though we had been broken up almost two years by that time. Just the luck of the draw I guess.

 

[forever_town]

We went through something like this with my FIL at Disney World five years ago. Old man threatens to crack my 5 y.o. daughter's head open at Epcot.

All bets are off once a threat of physical violence, especially against the kids, is on the radar screen.

Agreed, though the subsequent advice I saw stating that it's the wife's call whether her parents have contact with your family I disagree with. Once FIL threatened to crack your daughter's skull, I'd put my foot down and forbid his ass from ever seeing her again. Then again, I saw that the wife essentially did that herself.

 

[albert77]

Adding a wrinkle to the scenario: you're respecting your wife's wishes to not contact the in-laws and a bit later (days/weeks, whatever) the phone rings. You see it is the in-laws calling and your wife is out. Do you not answer and let them leave a message and/or call your wife's cell? Do you answer but politely decline conversation, saying you'll leave a message for their daughter? Do you go ahead and have a regular conversation?

I would pick up the phone and talk long enough to ascertain the nature of the call, because it could be something important, like a death or serious injury/illness in the family.

But if the call has any bearing on the conflict between the wife and her parents, I'd just say, "look, that's between you and your daughter. I'll tell her you called. Thanks for calling, goodbye."