HELP! I'm struggling with an important decision

[Driftwood]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

 

[Dog8Cats]

I would not even consider such a drastic geographic move based on your son's age.

Yes, a lot of adolescents can handle such a move and even thrive in a new environment. Then there's the 30-ish-year-old son of one of my cousins, who blames his parents for ruining his life when they made a three-hour move south from one pretty livable place to a great place ... when he was about 12.

 

[FileNotFound]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

As somebody who did all of these things except the “returning home” part, I’ve thought about this often when I occasionally consider returning home. Put simply, it’s complex.

 

[YMCA B-Baller]

I would not even consider such a drastic geographic move based on your son's age.

Yes, a lot of adolescents can handle such a move and even thrive in a new environment. Then there's the 30-ish-year-old son of one of my cousins, who blames his parents for ruining his life when they made a three-hour move south from one pretty livable place to a great place ... when he was about 12.

You're painting with a broad brush. It's hard, but it's not insurmountable. Kids move around all the time. I did.

I moved four times from the time I was in 3rd grade to entrance into college. One of those moves was "back home" because my Mom was terminally ill, but the difference from skipping fourth to sixth grade is a big deal at that age, so it felt new.

Anyway, the first move was pretty seamless to 3rd grade me. The second move was when my Mom was sick. Cool to go home, but obviously with bittersweet consequences and ramifications upon the return.

The third move was during my freshman year of high school. It was not easy at all. It took me forever to make friends. To this day, I don't feel a part of my HS community. The death of my Mom had already messed me up anyway, but in a strange way, it steeled me to the move too because of what I had already gone through. Hard to know whether the death of my Mom or the move itself was what was really upsetting. I did miss my friends in my home city, but honestly? Between my Mom's death, my reaction to it, and some of the dopes I was hanging out with as I entered HS, moving might not have been bad in hindsight.

The fourth move was right after I graduated. Talk about a clean break ... not only out of the house, but out of the home and away from the tight-knit friend group I did (and still) associate with from HS. It sucked during summers, but you're making a life break at that age anyway. Certainly probably made me feel more responsible at college.

That was my experience, but it's not everyone's. My sister seemed to do perfectly fine with each move. My brother had more issues. I would never think to blame my Dad for moving us around. He did it partly to put himself in a better financial position to help us without our Mom. And even if I did blame him, I think it's a bit pathetic to blame parents for life happenings, especially as you get older and wiser.

As an adult, I moved a year ago to start a new job in a place I'd be perfectly content with retiring in if it came to that ... from a place that was good to us, but that I had zero desire to retire in. I made this move after my kids both graduated from high school, which I am happy about, since they got the opposite experience I did, but believe me, if push came to shove and timing didn't align the way it did? I'd have moved my kids if I had to. It nearly happened a year prior to this move and a few years prior to that as well.

You live in your own skin. You have to be happy within it and not compromise for everyone else, unless, that *is* what makes you happy in your own skin.

 

[BYH 2: Electric Boogaloo]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

Pfft I don't have to think about this. Being 25-30 years out of high school? What kind of old people... *does the math, realizes 2024 minus 1991 is 33* goddamnit again.

A move back to the hometown can't entirely be ruled out. But I still firmly consider myself "from there" even after living longer away from there than there (I didn't move away for good until after college, but either way, I've spent more time away from there than there). I was there from birth until after college. It's impossible to think of it as anything other than "from there."

I don't think time stood still--all it takes is one drive around town and seeing all the empty Mom & Pop storefronts of my youth and the downtown that goes from a little quaint and cool to Crackton within the span of one block--and there aren't enough people I really know still there to expect a hero's welcome (not that I would anyway). Most of my teachers have retired (and some are no longer with us). Everyone from my circle of close friends has moved out of state except two, and the only one within a 10-minute drive of my Dad's house is mostly homebound b/c of immune system issues.

I wouldn't be the hometown boy made good returning home, I wouldn't be an outsider. I'd just be there, going about my business for very modern reasons: To be closer to my Dad, for a lower cost of living (I have a casual friend whose 30-something son is a divorced Dad of three, works at one of the local drug stores and owns a house) & because we believe the high school (in the midst of a dramatic rebuild that will make it unrecognizable from the one I attended) and the town will be good for our daughter. The last one, frankly, is the biggest coin flip of all. It's a red town and I'd need to make sure we don't have to worry our daughter would be reading Moms of Liberty-approved textbooks anytime the remainder of the decade.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Every time I go home, I realize I’m practically the only one who left. That’s bad in some ways but good in a lot of others. I often find myself missing that sense of community, which just doesn’t exist where I live now. It’s just too transient here.

But I also often talk about how I don’t ever want to raise my kids where I grew up. While it’s home to me, there’s a lot of bull**** I was exposed to, unrepentant racism being the major one, that I’m incredibly thankful my kids don’t have to deal with on a daily basis like I did.

 

[outofplace]

You're painting with a broad brush. It's hard, but it's not insurmountable. Kids move around all the time. I did.

I moved four times from the time I was in 3rd grade to entrance into college. One of those moves was "back home" because my Mom was terminally ill, but the difference from skipping fourth to sixth grade is a big deal at that age, so it felt new.

Anyway, the first move was pretty seamless to 3rd grade me. The second move was when my Mom was sick. Cool to go home, but obviously with bittersweet consequences and ramifications upon the return.

The third move was during my freshman year of high school. It was not easy at all. It took me forever to make friends. To this day, I don't feel a part of my HS community. The death of my Mom had already messed me up anyway, but in a strange way, it steeled me to the move too because of what I had already gone through. Hard to know whether the death of my Mom or the move itself was what was really upsetting. I did miss my friends in my home city, but honestly? Between my Mom's death, my reaction to it, and some of the dopes I was hanging out with as I entered HS, moving might not have been bad in hindsight.

The fourth move was right after I graduated. Talk about a clean break ... not only out of the house, but out of the home and away from the tight-knit friend group I did (and still) associate with from HS. It sucked during summers, but you're making a life break at that age anyway. Certainly probably made me feel more responsible at college.

That was my experience, but it's not everyone's. My sister seemed to do perfectly fine with each move. My brother had more issues. I would never think to blame my Dad for moving us around. He did it partly to put himself in a better financial position to help us without our Mom. And even if I did blame him, I think it's a bit pathetic to blame parents for life happenings, especially as you get older and wiser.

As an adult, I moved a year ago to start a new job in a place I'd be perfectly content with retiring in if it came to that ... from a place that was good to us, but that I had zero desire to retire in. I made this move after my kids both graduated from high school, which I am happy about, since they got the opposite experience I did, but believe me, if push came to shove and timing didn't align the way it did? I'd have moved my kids if I had to. It nearly happened a year prior to this move and a few years prior to that as well.

You live in your own skin. You have to be happy within it and not compromise for everyone else, unless, that *is* what makes you happy in your own skin.

I moved more than you did. I agree that it's not insurmountable, but it is an additional challenge at a time when a teenager is already dealing with the pressures of school, their social life, college applications. It is a lot better for kid entering their junior year of high school if the family can avoid moving for a couple of years.

I changed school districts four times by my freshman year of high school due to my family moving. Three times, those moves were from one state to another. That was all brutal for my brother academically and for me socially. I would have had to switch high schools for my senior year, too, if my mother hadn't lied to the school district. When my parents got divorced, she moved and I went with her. Our new place was just over the line into the neighboring school district. She got a post office box to avoid the district finding out about our move. My guidance counselor figured it out, but decided to help her. I didn't even realize she did all that until after I graduated. As y'all can probably imagine, I'm advising he at least put off the move until h is youngest is done with high school.

 

[swingline]

As for hometowns, I'm "from" there, not "of" there.

 

[britwrit]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

All of my friends have moved far away from hometown. The childhood home was sold ten years ago and even most of the old neighbors are gone. That being said, while I would never think realistically like that, it's a potent fantasy. Especially, uh, if you're in the throes of mid-life crisis.

Move back to hometown - or better yet, where you went to college - and you're magically nineteen again! Who wouldn't sign up for something like that?

 

[User 1019]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

This is something I've considered quite a bit.

Most of the folks I grew up with are still relatively close. Some live up in Birmingham, but most are still nearby. I'm still relatively close with many of them thanks to social media. I talk and text with a few of them several times a year.

I still consider myself "from" there, but I would expect to feel like a fish out of water or an outsider. When I'm home and see folks in town, it certainly feels different. If I go back, I'll have been gone for more than 25 years.

But that feeling is one we're certainly used to. We've moved nearly every two years, so we start over all the time. New schools, new neighbors, new sports teams for the kids.

 

[User 1019]

I really appreciate all the discussion.

I guess at the end of the day, it all boils down to three things. Do I want to:

Live somewhere cheap, and secure our financial future in retirement?
Be close to family?
But at the same time, send my son to a school that isn't as good as the one he's in now?

Even though I don't care at all for the politics, I can live with that.

 

[justgladtobehere]

@three_bags_full did you know you were a response in Jeopardy?

 

[User 1019]

I did not. Now I’m intrigued.

 

[wicked]

I love the neighborhood I grew up in much more now. It’s turned from a working class organized crime-run backwater into a yuppie-filled scrappy neighborhood with all the old houses and all the new restaurants. Sometimes I feel like a sellout for that line of thinking and I hate that many good people have been forced out by rising rents and rising taxes, but it’s definitely a better culture than it was 40 years ago. Back then your career options were becoming a priest, a policeman, a politician or a prisoner.

 

[justgladtobehere]

I did not. Now I’m intrigued.

Not you, exactly.

800 Detective Fiction:

The detectives were sheep investigating the murder of their shepherd in this bestseller w/ a title from a nursery rhyme.

TS: Three Bags Full (by Leonie Swann in 2005)

When I see your name, I always think '3 bags full of ****. ' Not because of you. It is just how I complete the phrase in my head. Didn't know it was a nursery rhyme.

 

[User 149557]

I don’t want to be 19 again, but I do want to move to a college town soon because I want the cultural advantages while still living in a smaller setting. A town of 30k to 50k with a Division I college hits the sweet spot for what I want in life.

But not…Muncie, Indiana.

 

[Turtle Wexler]

Apologies if this has been mentioned and I missed it, t_b_f, but you might want to give a small thought to that locale relative to where your kids end up a few years after that. Would you be somewhat near a decent airport?

If your daughter (and/or son) goes to college in Virginia, what does the cost and time of travel look like for her to come home during school breaks? Or will she be one of the "left behinds" on Thanksgiving because the travel is too complex? If 15 years from now your son has your grandkids, but he lives in, say, rural Minnesota, how often would you be able to travel to see them? How much of a pain in the ass and/or wallet would it be?

My parents moved to BFE in a different state when I was in my early 20s and I barely went to that place. They couldn't guarantee me a three hour round trip airport pickup (which I understand) and I was too young/broke to rent a car. They ended up moving after a few years (for job reasons), but boy did they ***** that I never visited.

 

[micropolitan guy]

I don’t want to be 19 again, but I do want to move to a college town soon because I want the cultural advantages while still living in a smaller setting. A town of 30k to 50k with a Division I college hits the sweet spot for what I want in life.

But not…Muncie, Indiana.

Mt. Pleasant? Ypsilanti? Bowling Green? Athens? Oxford? Kent? Dekalb? You'd almost have your pick of MAC schools. Pullman/Moscow. Corvallis.

 

[DanOregon]

Another thing to consider given your status TBF is access to local VA services.

 

[Shropshire Slasher]

The affordable backyard seems to be the defining factor for suburbans. Never mind the 4 bedrooms and 3 baths.

I'm already halfway to a millionaire based on the property I own, but I'd have sell out to buy the Clampett mansion to live in the city. I like SoCal but not that much.