FJM.com does Deadspin today

[Flying Headbutt]

The first entry looks at and comments on a list of "scrappy" players. And it does not disappoint.

http://deadspin.com/5360379/the-utterance-of-this-word-should-be-punishable-by-death

 

[imjustagirl]

This made me giggle really hard.

As we all know by now, "scrappy" is a meaningless, arbitrary, clichéd adjective that sportswriters use to describe baseball players they like. Often, these players are small, white, terrible at baseball, David Eckstein, or all four of the above.

 

[Rumpleforeskin]

Fantastic.

My team of nine guys who hit like Albert Pujols and never ever bunt just beat your team with one Shane Victorino 472 to 3.

No. 10 Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks

Byrnes can be found diving all around Chase Field, making spectacular plays. He's fearless in the outfield, runs whenever he can, and slides hard every time there's a close play.

Here's another thing about Eric Byrnes: he's ****ing awful at baseball. Take a look at this slash line: .210/.258/.346. Those are not typos. Eric Byrnes is scrapping it to the tune of a .604 OPS. And he's not even 3'2" in height and 14.6 avoirdupois ounces in weight like David St. Scrapulous Eckstein. Nope. 6'2", 215, and absolutely zero recognition of the strike zone.

I found this on Eric Byrnes' Wikipedia page. This is not a joke. "He is also known for sliding headfirst into bases when there is no play." If Eric Byrnes were a cop, it would say this on his Wikipedia page: "He is also known for discharging his weapon willy-nilly into seafood restaurants and school buses when there is no crime occurring."

 

[JR]

Article just made my day.

I just realized what this list is. This list is like if Science or Nature or Cell published a list of "Scientists Who Are Kind of Bad But Also Kind of Adorable Because They're Dumb and Hey, They're Doing the Best They Can With Their Dumb Little Brains. Let's Give It Up For Kind of Dumb Scientists! ... P.S. These Guys Ain't Cured **** — the Scientists Who Do That Are Actually Smart."

 

[zeke12]

http://deadspin.com/5360440/jesus-is-the-derek-jeter-of-christianity

Sheer brilliance.

 

[PopeDirkBenedict]

Today only makes me miss FJM even more.

Oh – right. Derek Jeter exists on a higher spiritual, moral, and dare I even say yes I think I do dare say physical plane than the rest of humanity. Derek Jeter's face is carved into the side of Egyptian sarcophagi that predate him by thousands of years. Derek Jeter floats eleven inches off the ground. Derek Jeter's urine is legal tender currency in Asia.

David Ortiz swung an invisible bat, hitting one home run and driving in 18 runs in April and May while hitting .185.

I'd like to be a total **** for a moment, if only because I am usually a total ****.

Let's imagine for a second that David Ortiz was actually swinging an invisible bat. Would this actually affect his performance at the plate? I mean, invisible doesn't mean non-existent, right? (Being a total **** is so much fun!)

Maybe if Ortiz had some other invisible things besides his bat, like an invisible umbrella...I could see Papi getting a little careless about keeping his invisible items in their proper cases. So maybe he'd accidentally take his invisible umbrella up to bat a few times, and that could hurt his numbers. Let me just do some quick projections.

Okay, ran the numbers. If Papi tried to hit with his invisible umbrella about 15% of the time (a pretty reasonable assumption, I think we can all agree) I-PECOTA projects a .185/.299/.412 line.

Wait. Hitting .185...Murray Chass you secret idiot genius!

 

[Armchair_QB]

This made me giggle really hard.

As we all know by now, "scrappy" is a meaningless, arbitrary, clichéd adjective that sportswriters use to describe baseball players they like. Often, these players are small, white, terrible at baseball, David EcksteinRyan Theriot, or all four of the above.

 

[Trey Beamon]

http://deadspin.com/5360440/jesus-is-the-derek-jeter-of-christianity

Sheer brilliance.

That last graph was AWESOME.

 

[KVV]

Seriously, I plan to watch Parks and Recreation this year, even though it was pretty meh last year, just out of respect to the FJM guys. The Murray Chass take down was like watching someone drive a golf ball 350 yards.

 

[zeke12]

Seriously, I plan to watch Parks and Recreation this year, even though it was pretty meh last year, just out of respect to the FJM guys. The Murray Chass take down was like watching someone drive a golf ball 350 yards.

And then talk **** to the ball about it.

 

[zeke12]

This should get stickied 'round these parts:

Is there a stats-freak formula that suggests when to shut down a season? Is a six-game deficit on Aug. 31 similar to a bad OPS, OBP or Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da?

I would like to make a suggestion to all angry, stat-ignorant sportswriters out there: when you do the thing where you cite real stats and then make up a goofy-sounding joke stat to try to make fun of sabermetrics, don't use OPS and OBP. They're pretty ****ing simple to understand, and also pretty mainstream at this point, but you all choose them as your "these crazy stats are so weird!" set-ups for your awesome joke stats, and so you all end up with similar-sounding jokes. There are way goofier-sounding stats out there, if you want them. xFIP is pretty silly-sounding. Use xFIP.

 

[JC]

http://deadspin.com/5360440/jesus-is-the-derek-jeter-of-christianity

Sheer brilliance.

shockey really needs to read this.

 

[CentralIllinoisan]

My team of nine guys who hit like Albert Pujols and never ever bunt just beat your team with one Shane Victorino 472 to 3.

That was my favorite, too, rumple. Well done.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

FJM was so good, I actually read about baseball.

/disgruntledPiratesfanboylooser

 

[BYH]

There are no words to properly convey the awesomeness of that Jeter entry.

Holy ****ing ****. Just brilliant and perfect. Dear Glenn Stout: Put that one in the 2010 BASW. Right now.

"**** the World Series. If I ever win a World Series ring, I will literally just take it and **** the tiny ring-hole."

 

[YGBFKM]

Here's another thing about Eric Byrnes: he's ****ing awful at baseball.

Haha.

 

[Cousin Jeffrey]

i'm proud to say i sent one of those stories in to be ridiculed.

the end to the stupid "soon to be stars" nfl column made me crack up out loud:

Well, I guess we know what that means. At some point this fall, Andre Johnson is going to tittyf*ck Audrina Partridge.

L'chaim!

http://deadspin.com/5360858/adrian-peterwho

 

[amraeder]

Would never have known this was going on if not for you guys, so thanks a ton! This made my day.

 

[daveevansedge]

I don't pay a lot of attention to baseball. But the Jeter piece was absolutely priceless. And spot-on, too. This guy is unreal. In fact, I think FJM should win AL MVP this year. Based on the article he shredded, he has as much right as anybody to it. Except for maybe Paul Newman.

And the whole scrappy players thing was sheer genius.

 

[lantaur]

Loved the piece in which they shredded Hal Bodley for his Jeter should win MVP award. Really, that article was a piece of crap and embarrassing for someone with the history of a Bodley. FJM made me laugh, cry and get angered all at the same time. Great stuff.