Bubbler
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2004
- Messages
- 26,718
Sometimes, your significant other throws something out there in a matter-of-fact way that catches you off guard.
Then there's other times when she throws something out there in a matter-of-fact way that packs so much WTF punch that the tremors are felt by cargo cults in Micronesia who interpret it as a sign of apocalypse.
My wife hit Defcon-95 last week with a revelation about our next door neighbor.
We were having a pleasant, typical suburban conversation between husband and wife -- probably talking about our daughter's first week of kindergarten, or how I needed to go get milk at the store, or something mundane. Then she fires off a Katyusha rocket ...
"Oh I forgot, I saw our neighbor topless in her pool last night."
If I had been drinking, my spit take would have covered the Ohio Valley.
"Come again?" I said. "You're full of ****!"
"No, no! I swear, it was about 8:30 or so. There she was just bobbing around in the pool," she said as a second wave of incredulity seemed to be washing over her upon spilling it to me.
"Oh c'mon. She must have just had a white shirt on or you were seeing things," I countered.
"I swear on my mother's grave," she said. "She had no top on."
Holy mother of ****. I knew she wasn't kidding. My wife doesn't swear on anyone's grave lightly.
All of this requires a bit of background.
My one-story home is in a respectable middle-upper class neighborhood. The neighbors in question live to our south in a nicer 1930s era two-story.
The living space in my house is almost exclusively southern exposure, so it all faces their house. Nearly every window we walk by in our day-to-day life faces their yard. Our main kitchen window faces their yard. Our driveway, which runs the length of our property, runs adjacent to their backyard.
In their backyard is one of those cheapo, temporary above-ground pools you can buy for summer-use only. Mostly, their kids use it.
At this point you might be skeptical ... what kind of jag off Rear Window wannabe's are you and your wife, Bubbler? What's up with snooping and peering over their 10-foot or higher fence? Not cool. Let them do whatever they want behind closed doors.
That's the ***** of it. The only thing that separates them from us is a three-foot high chain-link fence. They're like some sort of unintended zoo exhibit for our viewing pleasure. They know it, we know it. That fence is about as private as Nina Hartley in Boogie Nights.
Upon hearing the news, millions of thoughts raced through my mind -- none of them good. I suppose now is the time to tell you what she looks like ... Mama Corleone from The Godfather, if she was 10 years younger in the film. The actress who played Mama Corleone is Morgana King and she was a jazz singer. Her younger pictures are a dead ringer.
My first thought was logical ... sex thing. It had to be ... right? Her husband looks a lot like Mike Tice. My mind raced to the night before ... when I came home for a late dinner (9 p.m.), Tice was arriving home from work when I came home. The timeline was sort of right.
That was alarming enough on its face. I'm open-minded, I'm a live-and-let-live kind of guy. Given time, I can wrap my mind around my neighbors gallivanting in the backyard in the buff.
But I might go insane if I had to contend with Mama Corleone-on-Mike Tice **** action going on in the background while I'm scarfing down a ham sandwich and Jay's Chips at the dining room table. There's only so much a man can handle and semi-regular viewings of Tice's schlong is not one of them.
The timeline didn't add up though. My wife drove her sister back to her sister's house and wasn't around when I was home for dinner, a half-hour difference. Tice arrived home when I did. There was no sign of nudity in the backyard when I was in the kitchen making my dinner. So what gives?
Then I had a Sergio Leone-style flashback ...
(continued) ...
Then there's other times when she throws something out there in a matter-of-fact way that packs so much WTF punch that the tremors are felt by cargo cults in Micronesia who interpret it as a sign of apocalypse.
My wife hit Defcon-95 last week with a revelation about our next door neighbor.
We were having a pleasant, typical suburban conversation between husband and wife -- probably talking about our daughter's first week of kindergarten, or how I needed to go get milk at the store, or something mundane. Then she fires off a Katyusha rocket ...
"Oh I forgot, I saw our neighbor topless in her pool last night."
If I had been drinking, my spit take would have covered the Ohio Valley.
"Come again?" I said. "You're full of ****!"
"No, no! I swear, it was about 8:30 or so. There she was just bobbing around in the pool," she said as a second wave of incredulity seemed to be washing over her upon spilling it to me.
"Oh c'mon. She must have just had a white shirt on or you were seeing things," I countered.
"I swear on my mother's grave," she said. "She had no top on."
Holy mother of ****. I knew she wasn't kidding. My wife doesn't swear on anyone's grave lightly.
All of this requires a bit of background.
My one-story home is in a respectable middle-upper class neighborhood. The neighbors in question live to our south in a nicer 1930s era two-story.
The living space in my house is almost exclusively southern exposure, so it all faces their house. Nearly every window we walk by in our day-to-day life faces their yard. Our main kitchen window faces their yard. Our driveway, which runs the length of our property, runs adjacent to their backyard.
In their backyard is one of those cheapo, temporary above-ground pools you can buy for summer-use only. Mostly, their kids use it.
At this point you might be skeptical ... what kind of jag off Rear Window wannabe's are you and your wife, Bubbler? What's up with snooping and peering over their 10-foot or higher fence? Not cool. Let them do whatever they want behind closed doors.
That's the ***** of it. The only thing that separates them from us is a three-foot high chain-link fence. They're like some sort of unintended zoo exhibit for our viewing pleasure. They know it, we know it. That fence is about as private as Nina Hartley in Boogie Nights.
Upon hearing the news, millions of thoughts raced through my mind -- none of them good. I suppose now is the time to tell you what she looks like ... Mama Corleone from The Godfather, if she was 10 years younger in the film. The actress who played Mama Corleone is Morgana King and she was a jazz singer. Her younger pictures are a dead ringer.
My first thought was logical ... sex thing. It had to be ... right? Her husband looks a lot like Mike Tice. My mind raced to the night before ... when I came home for a late dinner (9 p.m.), Tice was arriving home from work when I came home. The timeline was sort of right.
That was alarming enough on its face. I'm open-minded, I'm a live-and-let-live kind of guy. Given time, I can wrap my mind around my neighbors gallivanting in the backyard in the buff.
But I might go insane if I had to contend with Mama Corleone-on-Mike Tice **** action going on in the background while I'm scarfing down a ham sandwich and Jay's Chips at the dining room table. There's only so much a man can handle and semi-regular viewings of Tice's schlong is not one of them.
The timeline didn't add up though. My wife drove her sister back to her sister's house and wasn't around when I was home for dinner, a half-hour difference. Tice arrived home when I did. There was no sign of nudity in the backyard when I was in the kitchen making my dinner. So what gives?
Then I had a Sergio Leone-style flashback ...
(continued) ...
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