different lede

[write receiver]

just wrote a gamer on perhaps the biggest win in one of the local school's history....did a little bit of a different lede than I've ever done before, so just looking to see what people think


L TOWN - After recovering a botched handoff from Mary Lou quarterback Brad Butcher, L Town's Trevor Dust realized every lineman's dream as he huffed and puffed 91 yards to the end zone.

When he got there, not only did Dust have his first career touchdown, but he also swept away any hope of Mary Lou extending its 43-game win streak in (Conference) play.

“The fumbled snap, it was a bad handoff from the quarterback and it bounced right into my hands and I just took off and I got great blocks from the guys,” Dust said.

It was undoubtedly the biggest play of a game that may also be the biggest win in L Town history. The score put L Town up 21-0, giving the Bears plenty of cushion to secure a 28-7 win.

With the victory, L Town lifted itself into a tie atop the (Conference) and beat Mary Lou for the first time since a 27-8 win in 1992. L Town, Ferry and A-Z all have one conference loss after Ferry upset A-Z Friday night.

“I learned kids from L Town can win tough games,” said coach Zach Johnson. “They have character. People have said they can't win in the fourth quarter, can't beat the good teams, and that's all rubbish. Under the jersey they are great young men with great character and they absolutely busted their tail out there tonight and they didn't do that for me, they did it for themselves. This is something they wanted to do since they were kids is to win a league title. The (conference) crown runs through Mary Lou until someone takes it from them.”

I went on to talk more about the significance of the win and all that stuff....if I had a chance to do it again, I would have tried to lift the nut graph a little higher....but of course this was under quite a bit of additional deadline pressure as i was slowed by virtue of fighting through fans to get to players on the field

the game was huge, so hopefully i didn't reduce itall to one play...but it was a moment where i think everybody felt 'oh my, these guys could actully do it' so that's why i went with it in my lede.

any thoughts, or suggestions of what i should have done would be appreciated. THANKS

 

[spnited]

You prefaced it by saying this was perhaps the biggest win in school history yet nothing in your lede gives me that impression.

You take far too long to get to the final score and mention another score (21-0) before the final score ... an absolute no-no.

You refer to a botched handoff, the kid's quote refers to it as both a bad snap and a botched handoff. Which was it?

 

[Batman]

The lead quote is a little weak. I might have come back to the play later in the story and saved that quote for that spot. Either the coach's quote, or another one from Dust about his reaction to the TD (a lineman going 91 yards has got to have some humor value to it, from him or a teammate) and beating this juggernaut of a team would have worked better.

Like spnited said, the double score is a no-no. And after the lead quote you mention the score in 1992 at the same time you're talking about tonight's games. That could get confusing. Just say they "beat Mary Lou for the first time since 1992."
If it's been a while since they won the conference, that'd also be a good place to mention how long it's been. Gives a reference to back up your point about it being the biggest win in school history right off the bat.