Depression, Part VII

[HandsomeHarley]

Well, I'm finally in the process of going through a separation, and most likely, a divorce.

No apologies needed; it's been a long time coming. And yes, I initiated it, so you can make me the bad guy if you must.

I knew the politics of it would suck, and it's sucking the life right out of me: Trying to find an apartment, trying to figure out how to pay for two households, trying to figure out how the hell to start over.

The hardest part was telling my Little Buddy. I knew it would be. My heart aches for him.

I guess I didn't expect to hurt so much.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Sorry to hear it Harley. It's going to be painful for a while. Good luck.

 

[Pilot]

That sucks, man. Wish I had something more intelligent to say, but it sucks. Good luck. Vent when you need to.

 

[not_who_i_usually_am]

Divorce is easy. Quit yer bitchin'. (Come on, I can say that, right?)




It sucks man. And it'll probably get worse before it gets better. But everyone keeps telling me it will get better, so I'm gonna parrot that and say it to you, even though I myself don't totally believe it. At least you know you're not alone, though admittedly I don't have kids so I haven't experienced that part of it. So basically I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to say I feel some of your pain.

 

[JakeandElwood]

Good luck, Harley.

 

[old_tony]

Damn, Harley, there's little I can say to you other than hang tough and know you've got friends here in your corner. A bad marriage is kind of like a cancer. You have to excise the problem even though it's very painful to do so.

 

[fishhack2009]

Thoughts are with you, Harley. Been there, done that, didn't even get the T-shirt.

Only advice I can offer is to resist mightily the efforts of the family court system to turn you into a weekend visitor/walking ATM. Your Little Buddy needs you.

Good luck to you.

 

[Double J]

Harley, as someone who has also been there, I offer my best wishes and my hope that life will start to get better for you very, very soon. If not sooner. Take care of yourself and please let us know what we can do to help.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

I appreciate all the sentiments. I really do.

I do believe it will get better. I am hopeful that it will help in my battle with depression. I mean, I still care for my wife (she's the mother of my kids), and I care what happens to her. But man, am I ever ready to start over.

I'm not pinning all my hopes on falling in love with Mrs. Right, and I'm not resigning myself to being old and single forever, either. I want to take things slow this time, and if I fall in love again (I really hope I do), I just want to do it right this time. Take my time, make sure it's the right thing to do, the right time, etc.

In a way, I feel incredibly free, like there's a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. But I guess it's natural to hurt after living with someone for 21+ years.

Again, thanks. I'm going to need you guys for a while.

 

[Blitz]

Hang in there. Try to see the kid as much as possible.
It's hardest on them, I figure.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

OK, now we're separated. Wife and kids spent their first night in their new home.

I feel the need to let everyone know, but how do I go about it? We are friends on Facebook, so that's awkward. How do I tell everyone at work?

Also, any dating advice for a mid-40s SWM with gray hair, a Pepsi gut, low income, and a face made for radio and a voice made for newspapers? I wasn't exactly fighting them off with a stick 22 years ago when I last was single.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I can't say that I'm in your shoes, so take this advice for what it's worth:

In terms of dating, take your time. You just ended a 20-plus year marriage. It's not an easy thing. Go into dating with low expectations that you just want to meet women and have a fun time. Don't go into it expecting a big commitment or marriage.

Also, supposedly, women are less into looks as everyone gets older. Or at least, that's what all the women's mags and websites say.

In terms of telling everyone, you don't have to wear a billboard that says, "I'm Separated!" If it comes up in a conversation, just tell them.

 

[Buck]

Rent a place across the street and start peddling drugs.

 

[fishhack2009]

OK, now we're separated. Wife and kids spent their first night in their new home.

I feel the need to let everyone know, but how do I go about it? We are friends on Facebook, so that's awkward. How do I tell everyone at work?

Also, any dating advice for a mid-40s SWM with gray hair, a Pepsi gut, low income, and a face made for radio and a voice made for newspapers? I wasn't exactly fighting them off with a stick 22 years ago when I last was single.

My thoughts are with you, Harley. As someone who has been through this more than once, my advice is to push dating to the back burner. Job one is for you and your kids to heal, and that needs your full attention for awhile.

As far as letting everyone know ... I agree with Baron. No need to advertise. If it comes up, share the info.

 

[old_tony]

Hang in there, Harley. Just keep moving forward.

And upon review, in my previous post on this thread, I said "a bad marriage is like a cancer ..."

To be honest, I don't know that you had a bad marriage. In fact, that you still care for her and hope for good things for her, you probably had a better marriage than a lot of folks who are still married. But, for whatever reasons or circumstances, the marriage is now not what it once was.

I guess what I'm using too many words to say is that I'm sorry for using "bad marriage." A lot of circumstances out of our control (job, health, pressures of finances, certainly depression, etc.) sometimes dictate that even once-good marriages end.

Just keep moving forward and we're here for you.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

Bad, bad marriage.

Great relationship with my kids.

She acts like she can't stand to be around them most of the time, which is part of the problem.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Rent a place across the street and start peddling drugs.

Gee, thanks. :)

Anyhoo, hang in there, Harley.

 

[Double J]

Bad, bad marriage.

Great relationship with my kids.

She acts like she can't stand to be around them most of the time, which is part of the problem.

I had that problem too. So I booted my wife and kept the kids.

 

[kingcreole]

Harley - fight like hell for custody, assuming that's what you want. Fight. Like. Hell. I know a bit about your situation, and I know conventional wisdom says the mom gets the kids. But you're a much better dad than your ex is mother. that may not sound like much of a compliment, but do it. Fight for yourself throughout this process, and fight for what's right. You know what it is.

 

[HandsomeHarley]

The tough thing is, our boy has special needs, and his mother is the one who primarily takes care of all of his doctors, teachers, IEPs (whatever the hell that even means). I don't know -- maybe that's why she is the way she is.

If I had a regular job, I would have taken him in a heartbeat. But I'm working such weird hours and the one thing he needs most is structure.

Anyway, I allowed her to take him, fearing if I got him that she would want nothing to do with him. This way, at least I can still be a major part of his life, and her and I will get along better.

Our daughter turned 18 last year and moved in with her boyfriend and his parents. Yes, she moved out because of mom. And while it's not the best situation (he's leaving in June for Marine bootcamp. I want her to go to juco on a soccer scholarship and get her education paid for before running off for good), but her boyfriend's parents treat her like gold.

I am very close with both my son and daughter. My son doesn't even try to give mom a hug anymore. I think he's gotten tired of the rejection ("Ow, you're hurting me!" "Get off of me." etc.)