Ah, the road to "the end of days." I can see it now...
• Oct. 28, 2012: The Cleveland Indians win the world title, rallying to a 7-6 win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series.
• Nov. 4, 2012: Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin elected President of the U.S. in a landslide victory after the incumbent, Barack Obama, found to have been born on Krypton.
• Nov. 17, 2012: Scientists at Johns Hopkins announce they have unlocked the human genome, paving the way to treat all disease. Full details to be discussed in January issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association.
• Nov. 22, 2012: New documents released show that Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy, and Patsy Kline was the shooter that killed JFK. Investigators claim she "just went 'Crazy.'"
• Nov. 23, 2012: The American public is stunned and horrified as longtime football announcer John Madden springs from retirement to work the Thanksgiving Detroit Lions-New York Jets game. While hosting the halftime show, a wardrobe malfunction exposes the beefy announcer's pierced right nipple.
• Dec. 1, 2012: Shadowy cult figure D.B. Cooper is finally revealed to be 90-year-old Nashua, N.H. retired schoolteacher Floyd Burrows when, upon his passing, he leaves what remains of the fortune to fund several college scholarships for students contemplating a career in aeronautical engineering.
• Dec. 7, 2012: On the 71st anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor, archives finally released by the Japanese government reveal the attack was a case of mistaken identity. The Japanese navy intended to attack Monster Island, in hopes of staving off a series of 1950's attacks by an overgrown lizard-like creature with radioactive breath. Embarrassed by the blunder, leaders decide to deny the error, act as if the U.S. was the target.
• Dec. 12, 2012: Cleveland Browns take step closer to undefeated season with a 3-0 win over Cincinnati, led by QB Michael Vick's last-second heroics to get the Browns into field goal range. Dawg Pound confused, not sure how to react for the 14th straight week.
• Dec. 15, 2012: President-elect Sarah Palin says she will not take office after a fiasco set off by shooting an elk while on a hunting trip. The elk, one Dudley Furman, age 76, had been just leaving his lodge meeting when Palin found him in her sights. Her blunder is exacerbated by her insistence on taking the Naperville, Iowa man's carcass to a local taxidermist for stuffing. Vice President-elect Ann Coulter will become the nation's 45th president.
• Dec. 19, 2012: NCAA announces it has evidence of a littany of violations by Duke University basketball team, going back decades. They will release a full account of the program's misdeeds in the coming weeks.
• Dec. 21, 2012: Newspaper concern, including leaders of all the nation's media chains, announce they have found a way to make print journalism instantly profitable and will begin hiring thousands of out-of-work journalists back immediately to ramp up the effort. They schedule press conference for next day for the landmark announcement.