World Cup soccer feature

[Ralph Smith]

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[jgmacg]

I
Improbably, joyously, his opportunity had come.

That's what happens when you're on the field [pitch?] for every moment, both pivotal and trivial. And John O'Brien, unsung and unknown to many U.S. soccer fans at the time, pounced [word choice] for the goal a scant four minutes into the U.S. national team's 2002 World Cup opener that would send the team to a 3-2 win against favored Portugal and start a run that ended in the quarterfinals. [This sentence is pretty long and bears a lot of information - I'd consider breaking it up into two or three shorter chunks.]

"Leading into the World Cup, I was feeling good, I felt like I had my spot on the team," O'Brien said. "I was coming off a great season with Ajax. I had been playing at a high level, top of my game."

O'Brien played every minute of the U.S." five games in that World Cup, assisting on Clint Mathis' goal that helped the team U.S. tie co-host South Korea 1-1 and ultimately advance from the group stage. The native Southern Californian was also one of six U.S. team members to play every minute of the 2000 Olympics, in which the team advanced to the semifinals before finishing fourth.

Though slightly older than the group of U.S. players that was seen as the core of Project 2010 — the U.S. plan at the time to compete for the World Cup by 2010 — O'Brien had established himself as a young force within the national team.

"It is a process, in terms of improving the soccer in this country," said O'Brien, who usually plays midfield for the national team but also lined up at defender when in Holland. "I guess it's a realistic idea to say, OK, right now we might not be in a situation where we're one of the top teams in the world. But we're going to try to set up things where we can get there."

Having joined Ajax of Amsterdam, one of Europe's most storied clubs, in 1994 at the age of 16, O'Brien was one of the rare U.S. players who not only never played in Major League Soccer, but also never played a moment of collegiate soccer in his native country.

"You've got to give him a lot of credit, because he did something at the time that was not very common in terms of leaving school to go to Europe," said Galaxy midfielder Pete Vagenas, a starter on that Olympic team who also briefly played club soccer with O'Brien during high school. "Here was a kid who took a leap of faith and trusted himself and his own ability to try and get it done over in Europe."

But sports stardom can be a fickle thing. Since that dream season of 2002, in which he started for an Ajax squad that won the Dutch League (the Eridivisie) and the Dutch domestic Cup, he has experienced the highs of becoming the first American to start in a Champions League quarterfinal (Ajax' 2003 loss to AC Milan), and the lows of spending more time in the trainer's room than on the field.

O'Brien contributed greatly to the U.S." 2005 Gold Cup title and took part in his club team's accomplishments, but his body began to betray him the season after the World Cup [Is this why we're here?]. Nagging injuries had caused him to miss time with the national team before, but soon would start a stretch of injury setbacks that sent him from Ajax to ADO Den Haag on a free-transfer two seasons ago, and ultimately brought him back to the U.S., where he worked to regain his health and was named to this summer's World Cup roster by coach Bruce Arena.[Really long sentence.]

"Every time I'd get close to playing again, I'd get excited, and that's how I've been for the past couple months, probably this whole year," O'Brien said of experiencing aches and pains that included groin and hamstring problems. "I've been on the field and running, everything's starting to feel better, and this (getting named to the squad) just adds to that. Hopefully all that enthusiasm will help me get through and maintain on the soccer field."

This spring, O'Brien finally came full circle, signing with Chivas USA in MLS, and moving back home to Playa del Rey for the time being.

"It's not a surprise that he grew up with Ajax and he can play on those kinds of teams," Chivas coach Bob Bradley said of O'Brien's career. "Because in terms of his thinking and his passing and the way he sees the game, I think he's pretty special."

 

[jgmacg]

My Dear Mr. Smith,

Thanks so much for posting here. We live to serve.

I've posted a very hasty line edit above.

While the story is structurally solid in every way that newspaper sports stories need to be solid, I'd point out these quibbles - which may be entirely personal. There are several sentences in the piece that each have several clauses and seem swollen with information. My instinct, especially when dealing out necessary exposition, boilerplate, is too keep those sentences short. Easier to read. Easier to comprehend. Easier to remember.

There were a couple of word choices - but pounced, particularly - that call attention to themselves.

I'd also recommend, and often do, that pieces like this include some brief physical and/or psychological description of the subject. I got to the end of the piece and he still felt like a stranger.

My main squawk, however, isn't mechanical, but rather literary.

What's the occasion for story here? What's at stake? Why am I reading about this guy? Is this a triumph over adversity? A story of persistence rewarded? The tale of a boy left who home to find his fortune, and then discovered his fortune had been at home all along?

As goofy as all that sounds for a newspaper feature, it's what you and I are here for - to tell stories. And even short profiles like this one need some sort of narrative arc.

Which brings us to one of the most vexing problems facing any journalist, but especially sports writers: Where's the dramatic arc in a profile? They're hard to find, and require some thought in advance of the writing. But there are at least two in this story, and you made a pass at them both: Triumph over Adversity and the Return of the Prodigal Son.

If you were inclined to do this story again, I'd suggest you build the piece around one or the other. It's just a matter of choosing what to emphasize.

You're a good enough writer that you don't have to worry too much about bolting the sentences together. You've reached the point, and it's a liberating moment, where you get start to wondering why you're bolting them together.

Hope this helps. Thanks again for posting.

 

[friend of the friendless]

Mr Smith,

As usual, Mr macg has given a nice pt-by-pt blow-by-blow. I'll go to one big thing. Mash up the two and I think you'd see a difference.

Question: What was his opportunity? Exactly what did it look like? How did it happen?

You use that as your springboard but really move past it way to fast ... give us a sense of what he did, how he looked (perfect time for facial, physical description).

Then say it was one moment that came at the end of a bunch of moments--in the tournament, in his career, etc.

Anyway, consider it or not.

YHS, etc