You fell into one of the traps that often befall young writers -- going chronologically instead of figuring out what the most important part of the game was and pounding it home. Unless there was a game-changing sequence (injury, early flurry of points, tone-setting play, something like that) you should avoid like the plague starting your play by play in the first quarter. And unless it's one of those instances, no one gives a damn what happened on the first series of the game.
In this game, when the first quarter was largely an exchange of punts, none of that mattered in the final outcome. In fact, these three paragraphs:
On the first possession of the game, Greenfield elected to punt after going three and out. The Blue Devils fumbled the punt and the Green Wave recovered to gain back control of the football. On the very next drive, Greenfield once again punted, and again Drury fumbled, resulting in another recovery for Greenfield.
The Green Wave looked strong in the first half, using their backfield speed to their advantage. With 3:11 remaining in the first quarter, quarterback Max Pirozhkov capped off a seven-minute drive with a 5-yard sneak. The Green Wave shut down the Blue Devils in the remaining three minutes of the first, coming up with big stops on fourth down.
Drury's offense came alive in the second quarter. They started to pound the ball up the gut more, which opened the outside for the receivers. Stump connected downfield on a stop-and-go pattern, hitting David Lewis for a 51-yard touchdown.
... could probably have been boiled down to this ...
Greenfield looked strong in the first half, using its backfield speed to its advantage. With 3:11 left in the first quarter, quarterback Max Pirozhkov capped a seven-minute drive with a 5-yard sneak.
Drury's offense started slow, then came alive in the second quarter. It started to pound the ball up the gut more, which opened the outside for the receivers. Stump connected downfield on a stop-and-go pattern, hitting David Lewis for a 51-yard touchdown that tied the game.
... It's much cleaner and more economical. It cuts out the clutter.
You also bungled the lead a little bit. Its basic structure isn't terrible -- I'd rather see you go the basic nuts-and-bolts route than end up badly overwriting something -- and you did identify Nate Stump as the biggest piece of the game. However, you need to tell us why some of the things you included are important.
The guy was 1 of 3 passing and only rushed five times, but scored two touchdowns on those limited touches. THAT'S your lead. Something like...
Nate Stump didn't touch the football very often Friday night, but when he did he made it count.
The Drury quarterback's only completion of the game was a 51-yard touchdown pass to David Lewis in the second quarter, and he added a short rushing touchdown before halftime that sent the Blue Devils on their way to an 18-6 win over Greenfield.
Stump was 1-of-3 passing in the game, and rushed for just 12 yards on five carries. His two touchdowns, however, gave Drury a lead it never relinquished.
... wraps up why we're mentioning Stump, who only had a few touches; what he did; why it was important; and how Drury beat Greenfield. All in one tidy 75-word package. If you read nothing else in that story, you know what happened.
Always try to put the nut graph high up in the story. One paragraph that sums up everything -- who, what, when, where, why and how. It shouldn't be lower than the third or fourth paragraph of the story. Always try, when you're writing, to make the first 5-6 inches be able to stand alone. After that you can get into more detail. But those first 5-6 paragraphs should have everything a reader (and editor) needs to figure out how this game turned out the way it did.
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