Summer softball gamer

[Derek_W]

Just thought I'd post this for feedback. It's a story from yesterday that I wrote. Constructive criticism is welcomed!

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NEW ULM — New Ulm Blue 16-Under pitcher Janet Duehlmeyer may not have been in top form Saturday evening, but she had a good reason.

Only two hours earlier, the Minnesota Valley Lutheran student had gotten home from a 12-day school history tour that included stops in Gettysburg, Philadelphia and Washington D.C.

There was no time for Duehlmeyer to settle back in at home, however — there was a softball game to pitch.

The softball game unfortunately didn’t go as smoothly as the history trip did, as Blue fell 6-0 to Xtreme in the New Ulm Windmill Classic at Harman Park.

The loss dropped Blue to 1-3 on the day. After opening tournament play with a 7-1 loss to Martin County West, Blue came back with a 9-1 victory over Eastview before narrowly falling 3-2 to Woodbury.

Duehlmeyer took the loss in the final game against Xtreme, which went four innings due to time limits. She scattered seven hits and three walks.

“It was a little weird,” Duehlmeyer said of her sudden transition from 12-day trip to softball tournament. “We were on a bus, so I got off the bus and then I was like, ‘Okay, go get ready for softball!’”

“It’s a little tiring,” she admitted.

After scoring one run in the first inning, Xtreme took advantage of four New Ulm errors in the second inning to take a 4-0 lead. It tacked on two more runs in the fourth inning.

“I think we need to do more talking in the field — I think that’s a big part of it,” Duehlmeyer said.

While Xtreme was busy taking advantage of Blue miscues on defense, the New Ulm offense could get very little started against Xtreme pitcher Kendra Roth. Roth struck out five and walked two, allowing only one hit. Her two walks both came in the fourth inning.

“She was good,” Duehlmeyer said. “She threw a pretty good changeup and her timing was key.”

Robyn Portner had Blue’s only hit of the game.

Megan Sjostrom was the winning pitcher for New Ulm in its 9-1 win over Eastview. Brittnay Wall was 2-for-3 in that game with a triple, double and two RBIs, while Megan Forst was 2-for-2 with four RBIs and a home run. Her home run came in the fourth inning, and followed a third inning in which Blue racked up five runs.

Portner and Kelsey Cordes both went 2-for-3 in the loss to Woodbury, which scored the winning run in the bottom of the fifth inning.

 

[DyePack]

You missed a chance to have lots of Gettysburg Address, Liberty Bell and capital puns throughout the article.

 

[jgmacg]

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NEW ULM — New Ulm Blue 16-Under pitcher Janet Duehlmeyer may not [weak. she certainly wasn't in top form] have been in top form Saturday evening, but she had a good reason [I'm not sure that it's up to you to characterize the reason - especially since it may or may not have had anything to do with her performance. It's not like she had to walk back from DC].

Only two hours earlier, the Minnesota Valley Lutheran student had gotten home from a 12-day school history tour that included stops in Gettysburg, Philadelphia and Washington D.C.

There was no time for Duehlmeyer to settle back in at home, however [I'm not sure what this means relative to the story; was she tired, sore, hungry? The sentence is so non-specific it doesn't add anything to the explanation of why she didn't pitch well. And it's not as if this trip came out of the blue - it would have beenn scheduled for some time, right?]— there was a softball game to pitch.

The softball game unfortunately didn’t go as smoothly as the history trip did [not sure this is an apt comparison, since we don;t know how the trip went], as Blue fell 6-0 to Xtreme in the New Ulm Windmill Classic at Harman Park.

The loss dropped Blue to 1-3 on the day. After opening tournament play with a 7-1 loss to Martin County West, Blue came back with a 9-1 victory over Eastview before narrowly falling [a) this is a split infinitive - it should be "falling narrowly;" and b), it's a mixed metaphor. How do you fall "narrowly" off a ladder? "Falling" instead of "losing" is one of those sports cliches we fall, perhaps narrowly, prey to. Avoid it as best you can.] 3-2 to Woodbury.

Duehlmeyer took the loss in the final game against Xtreme, which went [word choice. "was held to" is closer to what you mean here.] four innings due to time limits. She scattered [sports cliche] seven hits and three walks.

“It was a little weird,” Duehlmeyer said of her sudden transition from 12-day trip to softball tournament. “We were on a bus, so I got off the bus and then I was like, ‘Okay, go get ready for softball!’” [This is your lede, and needs to be up near the first sentence.]

“It’s a little tiring,” she admitted. [See the advantage of putting this up top? It answers all the questions a reader is asking]

After scoring one run in the first inning, Xtreme took advantage of four New Ulm errors in the second inning to take a 4-0 lead. It tacked on two more runs in the fourth inning.[So clearly the pitching wasn't the only problem - which weakens the lede you've written concerning how tired the pitcher was.]

“I think we need to do more talking in the field — I think that’s a big part of it,” Duehlmeyer said.

While Xtreme was busy taking advantage of Blue miscues on defense, the New Ulm offense could get very little started against Xtreme pitcher Kendra Roth. Roth struck out five and walked two, allowing only one hit. Her two walks both came in the fourth inning.

“She was good,” Duehlmeyer said. “She threw a pretty good changeup and her timing was key.”

Robyn Portner had Blue’s only hit of the game.

Megan Sjostrom was the winning pitcher for New Ulm in its 9-1 win over Eastview. Brittnay Wall was 2-for-3 in that game with a triple, double and two RBIs, while Megan Forst was 2-for-2 with four RBIs and a home run. Her home run came in the fourth inning, and followed a third inning in which Blue racked up five runs.

Portner and Kelsey Cordes both went 2-for-3 in the loss to Woodbury, which scored the winning run in the bottom of the fifth inning.

By the time we get down here, the end of the piece, where you should be paying off the story you started with - tired pitcher home from the East - we've entirely lost the idea with which you started.

 

[jgmacg]

While DP's suggestions regarding the many possible puns on America's Parade of History are sound, I have posted a line edit above that may prove to be of more immediate use to you.

The central issue in the piece is why you only speak to, and quote, the pitcher who came off that bus trip. Was her fatigue central to the team's going one and three for the tournament? I would assert not. I would further assert that the piece sounds as if she was the only player you spoke to, which is problematic.

More pointedly, she disappears - her story disappears by the end of the piece. So why does she begin it?

If she's important enough to lede with, she's important enough to finish with. Even in a gamer.

"Find the end in the beginning" is the best piece of advice I can give a writer of sports features.

Thanks for posting. I hope this helps.

 

[Derek_W]

Thanks for the feedback, jgmacg!  You definitely brought up some points I should have considered/addressed.

Edit: I'll probably post a lengthier response to your suggestions, but I'm a bit short on time at the moment.