Ok...article that may be somewhat better needs feedback?

InTheCards · Sep 25, 2006

To start it off, apologies for the comments earlier. Honest. I kind of get frustrated with my job sometimes because of no pay, but I shouldn't have said that.

Here's my new article...think it's better?

The St. Louis Cardinals started out the 2006 season much like the previous two seasons in which the Redbirds wons at least 100 games. Led by hot-swinging Albert Pujols and his 14-homer April, the Cardinals were well on their way to another magical season. When the early part of the summer began, Pujols went down with an oblique strain and missed two weeks. The Cardinals struggled without their star slugger, but it can be said that the team hasn't been the same since their momentum was killed. Now, as the season winds down, St. Louis is starting to lose its patience with this team – and its manager.

The Cardinals need to only win five games to clinch the National League Central division for the third straight year, but a pesky Houston Astros club has impended all progress for St. Louis, who were swept in a four-game series last week. The Astros are just three and a half games back of the Cardinals, who are set to face the San Diego Padres and Milwaukee Brewers in their final home stand of the season. If Houston is to make a monumental comeback and win the division, they will basically have to win all of their remaining games and hope that St. Louis continues to struggle against the Padres and Brewers. The odds are against Houston, but for Tony La Russa and crew this season is starting to unravel.

Many fans are skeptical of the managing abilities of the Cardinals' staff, and the finger is being pointed solely at La Russa, who is currently ranked third all-time in wins. The accusations rest on the theory that the Cardinals' manager collapses under pressure. Many also assume that La Russa, a self-proclaimed stats freak, relies too much on match ups and statistics and fails to go with instinctive decisions when it counts. The Cardinals are the second-most decorated MLB team in baseball with their nine world series championships, and the fans are used to seeing this team perform when it matters most. As the Cardinals continue to be inconsistent in the late stages of the season, La Russa continues to come under fire by fans.

As the Cardinals begin their final home stand (which features the final two series of the season), Tony La Russa will be under the light once again, but this time St. Louis may just have something to smile about. While the team focuses on match ups and stats, there is one other thing to consider. The Cardinals have clinched the division extremely early in the past two seasons, and did not have to play very hard late in the season. This year, St. Louis may complain of a mediocre showing late in the season, but it is essential to remember that this team is in the thick of a wild race to the playoffs. The Astros may have tripped them up a little bit, but the Cardinals will not let that damper their spirits. If St. Louis is able to get hot at the right time and make it deep into October, the fans will have something to celebrate about for the first time since 1982 (the year of the Cardinals' last championship).

Jones · Sep 25, 2006

Missed what you're apologizing for, but if you blew off people trying to help you, you're not going to get much more help around here.

But, reading this, I have two big-picture problems with it.

First, it's only four paragraphs long, and yet somehow it doesn't flow. Your thesis seems to be that Tony La Russa's fate rests in these final few games. Why not put that up top? Instead, we have some weird thing about Pujols and his oblique strain in spring that has nothing to do with the rest of the story... It's just a bad lede. How about something like: Despite having managed XXXX games, and despite having won XXXX of them, Tony La Russa is going to be forever judged -- in St. Louis, at least -- by the box scores of the next six. And then you flow into your analysis.

BUT... that bleeds into my second problem... I'm not sure I believe your thesis in the first place. You attribute impatience to "St. Louis" and "many fans." Really? Is this even true? It just seems too abstract. After reading this, I'm not left with the feeling that if St. Louis blows it, La Russa will be out the door, even though that's what you're implying. If that's your opinion, then this needs to be written differently... I think in your previous post, people told you not to include "I" unless necessary. But this is a classic opinion column in which you've tried to plumb sources that don't exist, or that you're not privy to. You're not alone in trying to pull that "sources say" trick. But it really comes through here.

Not sure if that makes sense, but there it is.

Chi City 81 · Sep 25, 2006

I tweaked it. Also, **** THE CARDINALS! :D
EDIT: Listen to Jones. The man knows what he's talking about.

After Albert Pujols' 14-home run barrage in April, it looked like the St. Louis Cardinals were well on their way to a third consecutive 100-win season. But at the onset of summer, Pujols went down with an oblique strain and missed two weeks. Their momentum broken, the Cardinals struggled without their star slugger, and those struggles continued even after his return. Now, as the season winds down, St. Louis is starting to lose its patience with this team – and its manager.

Many fans are skeptical of the managing abilities of the Cardinals' staff, and the finger is being pointed solely at Tony LaRussa, who is currently ranked third all-time in wins. The accusations rest on the theory that the Cardinals' manager collapses under pressure. Many also assume that LaRussa, a self-proclaimed stats freak, relies too much on matchups and statistics, and fails to go with instinctive decisions when it counts. The Cardinals are the second-most decorated team in baseball with their nine World Series championships, and the fans are used to seeing this team perform when it matters most. Under LaRussa, the team has known only postseason failure.

The Cardinals only need to win five games to clinch the National League Central division for the third straight year, but standing in the way has been the defending National League champion Houston Astros, who swept the Redbirds in a four-game series last week. The Astros are just 3 1/2 games back of the Cardinals, who are set to face the San Diego Padres and Milwaukee Brewers in their final home stand of the season. If Houston is to make a monumental comeback and win the division, they will basically have to win all of their remaining games and hope that St. Louis' struggles continue. The odds are against Houston, but for LaRussa and company, the season is starting to unravel.

As the Cardinals begin their final home stand, LaRussa will be under the spotlight once again. But this time St. Louis may just have something to smile about as the Cardinals fight for their playoff lives. The Cardinals have clinched the division extremely early in the past two seasons, and seemed to coast into the playoffs. During this year's stretch run, every game has become a playoff game in a manner of speaking -- win and they're in. If St. Louis is able to hold on, get hot at the right time and make it deep into October, the fans may have a special reason to celebrate for the first time since 1982, the year of the Cardinals' last championship.

InTheCards · Sep 25, 2006

I actually wrote this from scratch about five minutes before I posted it...I didn't even proof read, but those points are true, I'm making a checklist of all the stuff I should do in my articles, and the lede is something I'll make sure to check..
I appreciate it. I see one typo up at the top I need to fix, so there are probably more. I was apologizing for criticizing my boss, and no, I'm not ignoring people's advice, I'm making something of a checklist that I'll eventually memorize and know by heart.

Thanks,
Brady

Space Monkey · Sep 26, 2006

This is the second time you've posted something here where you said you didn't "proof read" before you posted it.

If you want people to give you advice on your work, you might want to take your work a little more seriously.

If you write something, make it the best you can. Clean it up. Then ask for advice on what you could have done/should have done to make it better.

This isn't a story. It's like a post on a blog or fan message board. The premise of this thing is also flawed, considering the Cardinals' problems are a lot deeper than the guy in the dugout with the funny sunglasses.

friend of the friendless · Sep 26, 2006

Master Cards,

Your "lead" starts at on Opening Day and starts backtracking ...

The St. Louis Cardinals started out the 2006 season much like the previous two seasons in which the Redbirds wons at least 100 games.
... falls into what might be a promotional minute for seat sales ...

Led by hot-swinging Albert Pujols and his 14-homer April, the Cardinals were well on their way to another magical season.
... moves on to the IR ...

When the early part of the summer began, Pujols went down with an oblique strain and missed two weeks.

... gives us a fly-over of cliche ...

The Cardinals struggled without their star slugger, but it can be said that the team hasn't been the same since their momentum was killed.
... and then gets to what could/should/might be your lead ...

Now, as the season winds down, St. Louis is starting to lose its patience with this team – and its manager.

... which is just a way of saying that you start your story several times before you get to what your story would best start with.

YHS, etc