Help me on an article

[Minnesota4Ever]

I have to submit an article on the site. From what I hear, my editor is not happy with my work. I want to know what you think. Am I doing everything right? If I am doing something wrong, would you tell me what I can do to improve and get better. This is very important for me. I am in danger of being fired from the site and I have been very stressed about it. Please help me:

Here is an article that I did in covering FDU vs. Sacred Heart. I was at the Rothman Center at Hackensack covering the game:

I wrote the article in the second post of this thread.

 

[Minnesota4Ever]

Hackensack, NJ – February 13, 2007 - The Sacred Heart Pioneers played well and as a result, they were rewarded with a 69-50 win on Monday night against the Fairleigh Dickinson University Knights, who are now 8-15 overall and 5-8 in the NEC with this loss. This win moved them up to second place over Robert Morris in the Northeast Conference standings. They are two games behind first place, Long Island University (Brooklyn). They improved to 16-9 overall and 11-3 in conference play. They are clicking at the right time with the NEC Tournament just few weeks away.

They did a great job of scoring for the entire game. They shot 49 percent overall. What really won them the game was the way they defended against the Knights in the second half. They did a great job of forcing the home team to make mistakes in the second half. This resulted to the Knights turning the ball over, missing shots, and throwing passes that were nowhere close. This also got the Pioneers in a position to get nice, wide-open space to score thanks to several baseball passes in the end.

They got great performance from Amanda Pape, Jasmine Walker, and Kaitlin Sowinski.

Pape was stroking it well from the beginning to the end. She was also a force on the defensive end. She led the team in scoring and rebounds. She had 26 points and 11 rebounds, which was good enough for a double-double.

Walker was fantastic. She did a great job of completing her layups and making the most of her second chances in scoring thanks to her three offensive rebounds. Overall, she got a double-double with 12 points and 10 rebounds.

Sowinski got it going in the second half. She scored 13 points and 9 rebounds. She was one shy of a double-double.

They also got great work from Lisa Moray and Kerri Burke. Moray scored 12 points to join Pape, Walker, and Sowinski in scoring double digits. Burke did a great job setting up passes for the team's scorers. She led the team with 7 assists.

The Knights were led by Jordan Sykes with 12 points. She had 4 rebounds to go with it.

Christy Altamirano had 10 points and 4 rebounds.

Jennifer Walking had 10 points and 13 rebounds. Walking's effort was her eleventh double-double of the season.

The Pioneers had a 36-31 lead as they went to the locker room at halftime.

As well as they played, the Knights were within striking distance.

The Pioneers started the second half with a 11-2 run. This run propelled them to lead 47-35.

This run started when Sowinski hit a jumper on a pass by Moray. This gave them a 38-33 lead. Burke was able to steal off Sykes and then scored on a layup by Pape's assist. It was a 40-33 lead. Sowinski does it again by scoring a layupto make it 42-33. Pape got into the free throw line thanks to a foul by Altamirano. Pape made one of two free throws. It was 43-33. Altramirano finally got the Knights on the board as she shot a jumper to end the Pioneers run. Knights cut the deficit to 43-35. Sowinski answered Altramirano's jumper by making a layup to get it back to a 10-point Pioneers lead at 45-35. Pape made a layup to complete the Pioneers run. It was now 47-35.

This game was basically over Pape shot the ball in to give them a 51-37 lead. By then, the Knights looked like a tired team thanks to the work of the Pioneers.

Their largest lead of the night game came at 5:09 of regulation. Moray shot a three to give them a 65-42 lead.

The only time the Knights were ever in this game was in the first half. After the Pioneers got off to a 15-3 run to start the game, the Knights went on a 8-3 run to get back into the game. It was16-12, Sacred Heart. Pape's shot made it 18-12. Walkling's layup made it 18-14. Pape was again stroking it to extend the lead to 20-14. FDU's Megan Kirkland's three pointer put her team within striking distance of the Pioneers. It was 20-17.

The Pioneers got an eleven point lead thanks to Moray shooting a three. Her three gave her team a 34-23 lead. FDU finished the first half with an 8-2 run to cut the deficit to 36-31. Walking hit a shot to make it 34-25. Mercedez Walker was in the free throw line, but she made only one of two. It
was now 34-26. Nikki Lockhart made two free throws to make it 34-28. Walker answered that with a layup to extend the lead to 36-28. Kirkland shot another three pointer to complete an 8-2 run. Her shot ended the first half. This gave FDU hope that they can play with Sacred Heart. Unfortunately for them, the Knights could not get anything going after Jordan's shot made it a three-point game at 36-33.

Pioneers head coach Ed Swanson liked what he saw out of his team at the Rothman Center.

“Our offense looked good,” said Swanson. “We did a good job of playing up-tempo.”

Coach Swanson raved about his two seniors in Pape and Walker.

“Amanda was outstanding,” said Swanson. “Walker did a great job of rebounding the ball.”

Walker and Pape talked about their team's play

“We played well,” said Walker. “We did a good job of working together.”

“We had a good second half,” said Pape. “We did a good job of pressuring and rebounding the ball.”

Sacred Heart will enjoy this win for a week because they do not play again until Monday. They will be at at home to play Mount St. Mary's.

As for FDU, they will be home to play Central Connecticut State on Saturday afternoon at 4:30 p.m.

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

Well, just three things real quick....
- Don't just cluster the quotes at the bottom. Try to work them in throughout the article, as it pertains to what you're talking about at the time.
- The lede...it doesn't have to be a masterpiece, but write something with a little more punch and can lend you to write a story with a theme, that reads more like a compelling piece of non-fiction than a rundown of stats and observations.
- Parallel structure...you start almost all of your first five or six sentences after the opening with "they". There's a time for parallel structure, like poetry or in the middle of a story where it emphasizes one single point you're trying to make.
- PS...never say "stroking it" in a women's gamer. Or really, any story.

 

[Cristiano_Ronaldo]

Um, if I was a copyeditor and you submitted this...

You have a lot of work to do to improve. Basic tenets of good grammar are being broken here, and I don't have the time or the energy to go through everything.

My first bit of advice, don't put your first quote near the bottom of the story...

 

[Minnesota4Ever]

Thanks a lot, Martin and Christiano.

I appreciate the feedback.

If I can ask you one question, do writers write opinions in a game story? I like to write my opinions that comes with the story to make it interesting, but my editor was furious at me for writing about it which is why I am in the doghouse. I disagree with his thinking because no one wants to read game story. They read it for opinions. I am just wondering if most writers write opinions on game stories.

 

[Minnesota4Ever]

Okay. What I did was this.

I moved the quotes up from the bottom after I described the Pioneer players performance.

I wrote up the quotes after this sentence:

They also got great work from Lisa Moray and Kerri Burke. Moray scored 12 points to join Pape, Walker, and Sowinski in scoring double digits. Burke did a great job setting up passes for the team's scorers. She led the team with 7 assists.

 

[MartinEnigmatica]

People don't read the game story for opinions...they read it for the actual story of what happened that night. The game story incorporates stats, observations, scenes, and quotes all in one tight little package. Save the opinions for a column that you can run a mug shot beside it. Read most major papers, and that's what you'll see - separate gamers and opinions.
There is a difference between outright opinion and observation. Saying something like, "Team A should have played more man defense, because the opposition was springing shooters loose all night long," is the latter. The line does get kinda blurred, but you may just be mistaking a writer's voice or observation for opinion. Be an authority when writing, not necessarily the judge and jury.

 

[ADifferentOkie]

Thanks a lot, Martin and Christiano.

I appreciate the feedback.

If I can ask you one question, do writers write opinions in a game story? I like to write my opinions that comes with the story to make it interesting, but my editor was furious at me for writing about it which is why I am in the doghouse. I disagree with his thinking because no one wants to read game story. They read it for opinions. I am just wondering if most writers write opinions on game stories.

Whoa! That shows a serious lack of understanding of journalism.
Opinion goes into columns and editorials. It does not go into game stories. Sometimes you see it in gamers, but that's just because the writer has screwed up.
Gamers are factual. They can be featurey gamers, but they are not opinionated.
If you have some opinions you want to express, ask your editor about writing a column. Otherwise, stick to the facts.

 

[Ellis Redding]

Okay. What I did was this.

I moved the quotes up from the bottom after I described the Pioneer players performance.

I wrote up the quotes after this sentence:

They also got great work from Lisa Moray and Kerri Burke. Moray scored 12 points to join Pape, Walker, and Sowinski in scoring double digits. Burke did a great job setting up passes for the team's scorers. She led the team with 7 assists.

Standard rule for non-columns is no more than three sentences per paragraph.

 

[ADifferentOkie]

People don't read the game story for opinions...they read it for the actual story of what happened that night. The game story incorporates stats, observations, scenes, and quotes all in one tight little package. Save the opinions for a column that you can run a mug shot beside it. Read most major papers, and that's what you'll see - separate gamers and opinions.
There is a difference between outright opinion and observation. Saying something like, "Team A should have played more man defense, because the opposition was springing shooters loose all night long," is the latter. The line does get kinda blurred, but you may just be mistaking a writer's voice or observation for opinion. Be an authority when writing, not necessarily the judge and jury.

Completely agree here. You could observe that Team B hit eight three-pointers while Team A refused to come out of its 2-3 zone. That's an observation.
But if you say, "Team A was simply too stubborn and deserved to lose this game because it wouldn't make the necessary adjustments," that had better be in a column and not a game story.

 

[Cristiano_Ronaldo]

On first reference for schools, you don't need the nicknames to follow. Those come on the second reference. And don't try and get so cute with the language. A game story -- especially a free-lanced gamer -- needs to be like a night in a Thai brothel: quick and safe.

 

[Minnesota4Ever]

Whoa! That shows a serious lack of understanding of journalism.

Well I am so new into this obviously. At the time I wrote my opinions, I figure I would write that since that's what most people want to read rather than the game story. I will admit I got lot of learning to do which is why I decided to log here and ask questions. I definitely appreciate the input.

 

[Write-brained]

Minnesota: If you're a reporter your opinion doesn't matter. No one cares. Keep it out of the story.

Can you make observations? Sure. The best writing, however, will have quotes and examples supporting those observations. Rather than say they did a "great" job of scoring, which is a highly subjective word, show me. 49 percent? Let the reader determine for themselves if the scoring or defense was so great.

Your observations will also help you ask better questions and get better quotes. Let the coach say they had a great job scoring and if in another game he tells you they did a great job scoring by shooting 33 percent call him out on it ... no one expects a reporter to be a stenographer but trust me, no one wants your damned opinion either.

Use whatever knowledge you have of the subject to write a fair, balanced and accurate story. Not commentary.

 

[Jones]

Minnesota, I don't want to sound harsh, but you have a long way to go. That's all right, because we all started somewhere, but there's too much here for any one of us to critique. We'll have to make it a group effort.

I'll throw in two easy pointers, though, to add to the already good advice that's been given.

1) Forget that you ever heard of the word "got." Read over your story. How many times does it appear? "They got" is a terrible construction. Strike it from your mind. For you, it no longer exists.

2) If you end a sentence with one word, and you start the next sentence with the same word, there is always a better way to write those two sentences.

For instance: The Pioneers started the second half with a 11-2 run. This run propelled them to lead 47-35.

Instead: The Pioneers started the second half with an 11-2 run, propelling them to a twelve point lead, 47-35.

And make sure you read a bunch of game stories before you try again. That should help with your structure, things like where to put quotes in a story instead of piling them up at the end.

Again, kiddo, you've got a long way to go. You're really going to have to work at this. Might as well start now.

 

[CradleRobber]

Pape was stroking it well from the beginning to the end.

Try to avoid sentences like that, for multiple reasons.

 

[MC Sports Guy]

Clearly this is a near-virgin effort, at least that's the hope. You have very basic grammar problems here. For instance, Fairleigh-Dickinson is not a "they", it's an "it."

Two, the lede was WAY too long. Your first graph should be punchy, one sentence or two very short sentences at the most. When you start a story out like that, people just aren't going to make it through to the end.

The third thing is the quotes. You simply must have a quote somewhere within the first five graphs, even better in the first three. Readers love quotes because they provide an insight to the game. Your quotes all come at the end, when they should have been sprinkled throughout the story to add color.

Lastly, keep opinion out of it. It's been stated, but nobody cares. Your job is to simply report what happened, that's it. Make observations, sure, but back those up with quotes and pertinent statistics. Shooting 49 percent is hardly "great."

Dont' give up, though. It seems like you have a passion for doing this correctly, but it will take a lot of work. My suggestion is to find a friendly, experienced editor who's willing to work with you on a one-on-one basis. If I'm just being honest, I would completely rewrite this story before it ran in my paper.

Just try to make each story you write better than the one before it. That's the best advice I can give you.

 

[jgmacg]

GopherIV -

You've been given some sound advice here. Heed it as best you can as you move forward.

It takes a brave soul to post their work here, and I want to thank you for doing so. Please feel free to come back as often as you like.

I'd also like to thank everyone for taking their time and posting their solutions for this young writer. It's what this workshop was meant for.

 

[dawgpounddiehard]

Minnesota:

While you have a lot, A LOT, to learn about this business, but that's OK. You're new.

I'm not sure where to start with you only that these are the essential tools in learning how to write:
1. Turn off ESPN. Reading this gamer sounded eerily similar to how a ESPN moron would talk over highlights. How we talk, how ESPN does highlights and how we write good game stories is not the same.
2. Keep opinions out of game stories.
3. Read as many newspapers as you can get your hands on. Note how they write game stories.
4. Purchase an AP Stylebook.

Coming here will also help you. Feel free to ask us questions, PM us (or me) and allow us to work with you to get better because, well, you have a long way to go. Coming here is a good early step.

Once you start with these things, then we can help you with how to write ledes, use quotes, limit play-by-play and more advanced things.

My question, was this for a school paper?

 

[Minnesota4Ever]

I write for SportsPageMagazine.com

I want to thank you for the support and the help that I have seeked here.

It hasn't been a fun week. I want to be a good writer and I am not getting the job done which is why I came here to ask for lot of help. Your ideas are very useful and I plan on applying those principles that you folks suggested. I hope I will get better.

I am pretty sure my editor will not tell me to write any articles on FDU and on the Big East Tournament due to my horrible work. It's his call and he is doing the right thing. I am not going to cry about it. I am going to get better and earn his trust. What I will do is go to two FDU games this week. I am going tommorow night after work as they are at home to play Central Connecticut State and then I will go to see the women's hoops team Monday night against Monmouth. What I will do is write notes and then write about them for practice so that I can get better at it. I am definitely going to sit in my hands and do nothing. I hope this helps.

No question I got lot to learn which is why I am here.

Thanks again.

 

[Jones]

What did I tell you about "got," Minnesota? It doesn't exist.

"I HAVE a lot to learn, which is why I'm here."

Thank you.