Help CradleRobber understand...

[CradleRobber]

why current girls react the way they do about exes, especially given these circumstances:

The girls involved are the ex (to those at the outing, the old house) from back home and a girl from college who I met last year, dated for a few months and had/still have feelings for. The ex and I only dated for a couple months (and broke up 15 months ago), but it got pretty serious pretty fast.

The reason those feelings I had for the current girl never developed into a relationship for me is because I didn't want a serious relationship then, and that's what she was looking for. And even though she wanted one, she was still hesitant at times to admit it because she hated/hates the ex and got insanely jealous when I drove six hours each way home two of every three weekends last year (not always to see the ex).

One weekend that the current girl (who is 18) visited home with me, she met the ex (who turns 16 today). They have always hated each other, and I'm afraid they always will. During that encounter, and in contact since, the ex and I have both tried to help the current girl understand that we are just very good friends and we are NOT getting back together. She doesn't believe that, apparently.

Why?! It's the truth. She knows how close the ex and I are, and what our friendship means to each other. I'm not going to give up that friendship for a relationship with the current girl, but I think I finally do want to be with her. Is this possible? Why can't she understand that even though it has taken more than a year to get over the ex, I'm ready to be with her? She still wants to be with me too, but the old friendship seems to make things funky. Why can't she believe we're just friends?

 

[HoopsMcCann]

******* be like that

 

[CradleRobber]

Thanks, Hoops.

 

[21]

Asking, not judging, how old are you?

 

[CradleRobber]

Nineteen, will start my second year of college Tuesday.

But seriously 21, you must have some insight. I really just need to know why girls act this way, and if there's anything more I can do to convince.

 

[spup1122]

Has she gotten hurt by this incident in the past? Has someone left her for an ex who claimed they were "just friends"?

If she has, there's your answer.

 

[Jones]

My wife has long believed, hard-core, that you can't be friends with former flames. I didn't agree with her when we first started banging, thinking her opinion harsh -- but her ass, so sweet -- and yet now, after my previous ladyfriend went bat**** crazy psycho stalker, I have come to subscribe to my wife's point of view.

Once you bone a friend, she will never be just your friend again, and after you're done, you gotta make those breaks clean, son.

 

[imjustagirl2]

I have managed to maintain a friendship with my first love, though it took some time to get to that point.

 

[Jones]

Hate to say it IJAG, but before you get married, that'll end. Your husband is not going to be happy taking phone calls from your first paw.

 

[HoopsMcCann]

Jones is right: Make the break clean.

or start hitting it again

 

[spup1122]

Jones is right IJAG. I'm giving up exes who had become friends for Doc.

 

[21]

Nineteen, will start my second year of college Tuesday.

But seriously 21, you must have some insight. I really just need to know why girls act this way, and if there's anything more I can do to convince.

Well, here's my insight, but you probably won't like it, so I apologize in advance if I sound like your mom or something.

What Jones said, if he was Dr Phil: You can't have it both ways. A relationship--a real one, not a sorta-kinda one--is a commitment to taking care of the other person's feelings, especially when it comes to exes and jealousy.

The new girl wants to feel that she's it for you....that you don't need to confide in another girl, or spend time with another girl when you could be with her. It doesn't have to make sense to you, that's just how it is. If you want to show her she matters to you, cool it with the ex for a while, until she's confident that you're serious about a new and committed relationship.

I asked about your age because the ex was only 14 when she was your girlfriend...you may be over it (and you should be) but maybe she's not...girls have a wavelength that guys can't see, and your current girl may be picking up signals you can't detect. There's a fine line between being 'best friends' with the ex, and still being involved in a way that messes up a new relationship. If your ex is really your friend, she should tell you to go take care of your new girlfriend.

Short answer, if you want to establish this new relationship, cool it with the ex. And if that is something you can't or won't do, be prepared for the new relationship to fizzle.

 

[imjustagirl2]

Eh, don't know how I'd deal with that, Jones. I'd listen to his concerns...but honestly? If a guy doesn't trust me, then we don't really have the basis for a marriage anyway.

I realize that's simplifying it, and I understand the concerns. And I have given up friendships before, but not ones that have lasted like this. I mean, we've been friends for 12 years. It's not something I can just say "Oh well, see ya" to.

 

[Double J]

CR, put yourself in your current girl's shoes. How easily would you be able to accept it if she had an ex-boyfriend who was still an important part of her life? If it wouldn't make you at least a little bit insecure, even if there was no logical reason to be, you're a better man than I.

 

[CradleRobber]

I smell ya.

21, it's interesting you say that about she might still feel we're more than friends. Maple Sugar said something nearly identical to me during the outing. The reason I know she doesn't, and that we're just friends, is that she basically ended it because I was 18, she was 14 and it got too serious for her age, plus she didn't know how often I would be visiting from school. We're DEFINITELY just friends.

My work schedule during the fall is Tuesday evening, Thursday evening, Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Last year, I basically talked my way out of working weekends to be able to go home, but my parents have practically forbid this ever happening again. So who knows how things will be when I finally do get to visit home for the first time (maybe not until my JC football beat is over).

I wish things could be simple, but they get even more complicated. The current girl is renting a house with three other people - a couple, and a guy who was in a relationship with her when they signed the lease as two couples. She fell in love with him about a month after we stopped dating when I decided I didn't want a relationship earlier this year, but he broke her heart hardcore. Still, she was stuck and still is stuck in a horrific living situation. Ever since she heard about my huge new 900 square-foot apartment (one bedroom, no roommates), she's hinted several times that she wants to break her lease and live with me. We're haven't even slept with each other in several months, and I sure as hell am not ready for the type of relationship that includes a live-in girlfriend.

So I guess you could call that my current hesitency for starting a relationship with her. I just don't want her to mistake that for me still having feelings for the ex.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Eh, don't know how I'd deal with that, Jones. I'd listen to his concerns...but honestly? If a guy doesn't trust me, then we don't really have the basis for a marriage anyway.

I realize that's simplifying it, and I understand the concerns. And I have given up friendships before, but not ones that have lasted like this. I mean, we've been friends for 12 years. It's not something I can just say "Oh well, see ya" to.

Yup.

My first and I were just swapping e-mails a few days ago. She's married with a child between them, and another he brought into their relationship. We e-mail just often enough to say hello, catch up, etc., etc. but not to the point where he ever has anything to worry about. Simply put, I'll always care for her at some level. We had some things in common, but the main thing is she wanted marriage and kids, and my name should be synonymous with loner.

CR, I agree with the others in that no relationship is worth losing good, worthwhile friends over. But, assuming your friend understands, cool it at least a bit with her for the reason 21 offered. It's not that you have to give up your friendship, but if your current GF feels that you can't confide in her - than you always have to run to your other friend for support and advice - that's going to damage your current relationship.

I hope something in this helps, CR.

 

[21]

1. She cannot move in. She can come over and sleep over, that's it. No toothbrush, no extra tampons under the sink. Maybe a pair of gym shorts if yours don't fit her, but that's it. You're 19. You can be in a relationship without playing house. If she doesn;t like living in the same house as her ex, she can move elsewhere. Just not with you.

2. Maybe I'm reading too much into your description of the new girl, but she does sound a little clingy and needy.

3. The ex obviously ended it because it was inconvenient (age/distance), not because she didn't like you. If you really care about her, cut the strings and let her find a local guy her own age.

4. There may only be a 3 year difference in your ages, but those three years--16-19 are an entire generation. You never get these college years back again. Don't spend them still attached to high school.

 

[joe]

I don't know what state you're in, but I'm pretty damn sure that 18 into 14 is statutory rape any way you look at it.*


*Not valid in Kentucky.

 

[sportschick]

There are several states that define it as being more than four years older than the minor, not just Kentucky.

CR, You need to cool the friendship a bit. I'm betting she's still very into you, your current girl is picking up on it and that's what's causing the issues.

And under no circumstances should the current girl move in other than a spare toothbrush and a change of clothes. Sure she's in a ****ty living situation, but I'm sure there are plenty of other places she could move to get out of it.

 

[KYSportsWriter]

CR, you were dating a 14-year-old when you were 18? Isn't that illegal?

I have to somewhat agree with what Jones said. Cut ties with the ex, but only if you want a strong relationship to come out of what you have now.

The girl I last dated, we hardly ever talk anymore. We're not friends and I don't intend on being her friend. I'd advise cutting ties with the 16-year-old while you can.