Golf story lead

[ccraker]

Just wanted some feedback on a lead I wrote for a story I am working on.
Thanks.


Watching grass grow is a pretty boring way to spend a summer afternoon.
But that is how Chris McQuatters is spending his time.
McQuatters, the golf professional at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links, said the only thing needed for the course to reopen is the new Bermuda grass to take hold and fill in.
“The sprigs (pieces of grass used for planting) are starting to take hold,” he said. “They need adequate time to mature and get good ground coverage.
“When it is established, we will get the golfers out there.”

 

[gandhithegreat]

Just wanted some feedback on a lead I wrote for a story I am working on.
Thanks.

By Craig Craker
[email protected]

Watching grass grow is a pretty boring way to spend a summer afternoon.
But that is how Chris McQuatters is spending his time.
McQuatters, the golf professional at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links, said the only thing needed for the course to reopen is the new Bermuda grass to take hold and fill in.
“The sprigs (pieces of grass used for planting) are starting to take hold,” he said. “They need adequate time to mature and get good ground coverage.
“When it is established, we will get the golfers out there.”

Ouch...

 

[gandhithegreat]

Where's the rest?

What's this story for? Is it to appease an advertiser?

If it's an update feature on a new golf course, I'd look for better sources, course designer, single-digit handicap members, etc.

As for the lead, take it form a scratch player and regular golfer, there's nothing interesting about your lead. Without seeing the body, I would look at it as another nightmare of someone taking the cheap route in spriging a golf course vs. sodding the entire thing. You could also look to outside experts if this is the case.

 

[TyWebb]

Just wanted some feedback on a lead I wrote for a story I am working on.
Thanks.

By Craig Craker
[email protected]

Watching grass grow is a pretty boring way to spend a summer afternoon.
But that is how Chris McQuatters is spending his time.
McQuatters, the golf professional at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links, said the only thing needed for the course to reopen is the new Bermuda grass to take hold and fill in.
“The sprigs (pieces of grass used for planting) are starting to take hold,” he said. “They need adequate time to mature and get good ground coverage.
“When it is established, we will get the golfers out there.”

Ouch...

Here are a few things:
-The opening is a statement that is about as obvious as "The sky is blue." For this kind of story, if you want people to read it, needs to draw people in. Maybe something like "Chris McQuatters spent the majority of Thursday watching the grass grow. Friday, he did it some more. In fact, he has spent most of the summer doing so because it is his job." Ok, that kind of sucked, but bring the reader in quicker.
Also, as far as grammar and flow goes, connect the first two sentences with a comma and lowercase the B in "But"
-I'm sure you get to it later in the story, but I have no idea why the course is closed and you are already talking about it re-opening. There needs to be a  graph pretty high up explaining why the course has been closed.
-I'm not sure where this story is going, but I don't see how you could reach 10 inches writing about replacing the grass at a golf course. If there is more to it, get that higher in the story.

Hope this helps.

 

[gandhithegreat]

Just wanted some feedback on a lead I wrote for a story I am working on.
Thanks.

By Craig Craker
[email protected]

Watching grass grow is a pretty boring way to spend a summer afternoon.
But that is how Chris McQuatters is spending his time.
McQuatters, the golf professional at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links, said the only thing needed for the course to reopen is the new Bermuda grass to take hold and fill in.
“The sprigs (pieces of grass used for planting) are starting to take hold,” he said. “They need adequate time to mature and get good ground coverage.
“When it is established, we will get the golfers out there.”

Ouch...

Here are a few things:
-The opening is a statement that is about as obvious as "The sky is blue." For this kind of story, if you want people to read it, needs to draw people in. Maybe something like "Chris McQuatters spent the majority of Thursday watching the grass grow. Friday, he did it some more. In fact, he has spent most of the summer doing so because it is his job." Ok, that kind of sucked, but bring the reader in quicker.
Also, as far as grammar and flow goes, connect the first two sentences with a comma and lowercase the B in "But"
-I'm sure you get to it later in the story, but I have no idea why the course is closed and you are already talking about it re-opening. There needs to be a graph pretty high up explaining why the course has been closed.
-I'm not sure where this story is going, but I don't see how you could reach 10 inches writing about replacing the grass at a golf course. If there is more to it, get that higher in the story.

Hope this helps.

This is good advice. You could right more than 10 inches on the cluster f-ck at my club. Golf course is supposedly redesigned after recent PGA Tour event in April...upwards of $8.5 million spent and really nothing so far is different. Poor management, pissed off members and the other golf course (which got $2 million worth of updates last year) is about to lose its greens. $45 K initiation and $600 dues a month.

 

[ccraker]

Well, here is the other lead I wrote:

Chris McQuatters doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Ratliff Ranch Golf Links was closed Nov. 1, 2006 for an upgrade in the irrigation system and was supposed to open Sept. 1.
That date will not be met as officials want to wait until the course is totally ready for play.
“The course was opened a tad too early in 1988,” said McQuatters, the course’s professional. “Through time and whatever reason, the course never really fully established itself and it was always an uphill battle to get it to championship caliber and good quality turf.”


And Gandhi, the point of the story is just an update on when the course will reopen. The city bought it in 2005, closed it in 2006 to redo the grass throughout, rework 5 greens, remodel the clubhouse, build a new driving range and chipping green.

 

[SuperflySnuka]

Chris McQuatters doesn't like watching paint dry or water boil or grass grow.
That's too bad -- he gets paid for the last one.
The golf professional at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links said the only thing needed for the course to reopen is the new Bermuda grass to take hold and fill in, after closing in November 2006 to upgrade the irrigation system.
“The sprigs are starting to take hold,” he said. “They need adequate time to mature and get good ground coverage. When it is established, we will get the golfers out there.”
But officials are weary of opening the course too early, looking back 19 years and hoping not to relive past mistakes.
“The course was opened a tad too early in 1988,” McQuatters said. “Through time and whatever reason, the course never really fully established itself, and it was always an uphill battle to get it to championship caliber and good quality turf.”

 

[gandhithegreat]

Well, here is the other lead I wrote:

Chris McQuatters doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Ratliff Ranch Golf Links was closed Nov. 1, 2006 for an upgrade in the irrigation system and was supposed to open Sept. 1.
That date will not be met as officials want to wait until the course is totally ready for play.
“The course was opened a tad too early in 1988,” said McQuatters, the course’s professional. “Through time and whatever reason, the course never really fully established itself and it was always an uphill battle to get it to championship caliber and good quality turf.”


And Gandhi, the point of the story is just an update on when the course will reopen. The city bought it in 2005, closed it in 2006 to redo the grass throughout, rework 5 greens, remodel the clubhouse, build a new driving range and chipping green.

ahhh...makes more sense now. This is actually a good formula for success. A municipality purchased a golf course and actually spent money to upgrade...that, in and of itself, is a total shocker.

The second lede is better. I would encourage you to include:

Golf Professional Chris McQuatters doesn’t want Ratliff Ranch Golf Links repeating the mistakes of the past.

The course, set to open September 1, will push back it's reopening to allow newly planted bermuda to reach a more healthy and mature state before taking on the expected rush of rounds and traffic. McQuatters and the management team said they feel this is the formula for <your city here>'s golfers to appreciate the new layout.

When the course was re-covered in 1988, mistakes were made almost from the start. The course opened too soon with XYZ problem, yada, yada, yada.

So and so from the USGA said "quote here...

Another course's experience here.

You do several things here, you challenge credibility of the plan by getting expert opinion which the management team will appreciate and you set the measuring stick for if they actually f-ck it up later.

Hope this helps.

 

[gandhithegreat]

also, some things to challenge on. Spriging the golf course is less expensive than purchasing and laying sod. If the sprig was supposed to be mature by Sept 1, what happened? Most likely, rain if you live anywhere near Dallas. You must live in the south if they are spriging bermuda.

You also can get them to pinpoint what the new irrigation system will do that it did not do before. Essentially, taxpayers paid for a new irrigation system, does that mean that you will be playing TPC Sawgrass condition year round? Do they overseed? Will greens be able to run 10-11 on the stimp all the time? What's the plan?

 

[Point of Order]

My advice is this: Don't listen to 99% of the advice you get on this site.

Your original lede was okay. Not great, but okay. It was kind of cheesy and cliche, but the best thing about it was its brevity. You get to the meat of the story -- and what the average Joe might talk about -- fairly quickly, that it's a big cluster****.

Unless you are writing for Golf Digest or something Golf Pros Trade Magazine, not many readers will want to weed D) through the technicalities of sod vs. sprigging, irrigation system specs or whether or not they used Scott's Turf Builder.

Take my advice for what it's worth.

 

[Mayfly]

I would have thrown that lede at the back of the story and make it the conclusion. It would wrap up perfectly.

 

[jgmacg]

CC -

Thanks, as always, for posting. And thanks, too, for the late-night tips from our genial workshoppers. Who knew we had so many vampires in the place? Were we serving free Jell-O shots in here again?

I think the comments so far make sense, and all lead, one way or another, to the same place. I'd split the diff between what Gandhi and PoO and our two 'Flys say, and do something in the same line, but much tighter. I.e.,

Having watched the paint dry, he must now watch the grass grow. Such is life this summer for the usually impatient Chris McQuatters, the pro at the Ratliff Ranch Golf links, as the club undergoes its first major renovation.

And then, one hopes, a good quote, and then right into the scope of the makeover.

The thing about ledes like this, in which you're going to strike one bright, brief note of levity, is to keep them tight. Don't linger over the wry observation - or the pun or the wisecrack - or whatever it is.

Thanks again everybody.

 

[sirvaliantbrown]

The thing about ledes like this, in which you're going to strike one bright, brief note of levity, is to keep them tight. Don't linger over the wry observation - or the pun or the wisecrack - or whatever it is.

That is TERRIFIC advice.

I too often linger.

 

[gandhithegreat]

CC -

Thanks, as always, for posting. And thanks, too, for the late-night tips from our genial workshoppers. Who knew we had so many vampires in the place? Were we serving free Jell-O shots in here again?

I think the comments so far make sense, and all lead, one way or another, to the same place. I'd split the diff between what Gandhi and PoO and our two 'Flys say, and do something in the same line, but much tighter. I.e.,

Having watched the paint dry, he must now watch the grass grow. Such is life this summer for the usually impatient Chris McQuatters, the pro at the Ratliff Ranch Golf links, as the club undergoes its first major renovation.

And then, one hopes, a good quote, and then right into the scope of the makeover.

The thing about ledes like this, in which you're going to strike one bright, brief note of levity, is to keep them tight. Don't linger over the wry observation - or the pun or the wisecrack - or whatever it is.

Thanks again everybody.

If one is going to stick with that lede, the above is a text book example of how to make it work. That is a feature I would read.