Critique Appreciated

[OklahomaSports]

I would like to preface this by saying that I am not a professional journalist. I am a highschool student that is working on honing my craft. I have very few places (none as of now) to publish my work and I thought that I could get a legitimate and helpful critique on my writing here. I'm not going to be offended by anything you say, so have at it. I'm just trying to get better. I just sat down to do some writing and this is what came out on the page. It's about 500 words. I'm not really interested in getting into a discussion here about the subject matter, but more so on the writing technique itself. Much appreciated.
Thanks-
OKSports


The Absence of Brett Favre: Who’s next?

The absence of the old gunslinger has been overshadowed by the free agent frenzy that was this off season, but still notable. His presence is missed despite the fact that most fans (supposedly) wanted him out of the game three years ago. With football returning, something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first time in nearly two decades that Favre won’t start the season behind center for somebody.
Brett Favre may not be the greatest player to play the game, or even the greatest player of his generation, but he certainly was the most exciting. Save working out with Colt McCoy during the lockout, (even that flew under the radar until the former Texas QB told reporters) Favre has not made a peep so far this off season. Although that’s how it usually starts out, we normally have footage of him on a high school field by mid-August.
The chances of a return from the great #4 seem bleak at best, and that brings up the question, who will follow him? Aaron Rodgers is clearly the successor in Green Bay, but that’s not the void that I’m referring to. Who is going to captivate us with excitement on Monday nights? Who will provide the drama that we have become so accustomed to seeing each and every Sunday? Only time will tell who will step up to replace this giant of the game, no easy task.
Brett Favre captured out hearts for dang near close to two decades. He was the ultimate iron man of professional football, starting 297 consecutive games during his prime (well over 300 including playoffs). He gave us wonderful moments like his unforgettable MNF performance on December 22nd, 2003, torching the Oakland Raiders for 41 points just one night after the passing of his father. He gave us something that cannot be replaced, that being time with his wife who spent most of Favre’s career battling breast cancer. He’s given more than what we can give back.
“He’s like Elvis now. People just won’t let go”. That was Favre’s agent Bus Cook’s reaction to ESPN reporters asking about the legends retirement. “All I can say is that Brett Favre is retired”. Bus Cook hit the nail on the head. We act like we want Favre out of the game and that we are tired of hearing about him, but in reality, we crave it. We want the excitement, the thrill, and the ‘sitting on the edge of your seat’ moments that Favre gave us time and time again over the years.
I’m not sure that there will ever be another Brett Favre, but if there is, I can’t wait to sit back on my LAZ-Y-BOY and watch the ride.

 

[ringer]

Welcome to the site and thanks for being brave enough to invite critique. I'll help you.

It seems like you're trying to write like a TV sportscaster, and that's a huge mistake because so often they're just filling dead air time with banter. If you want to write intelligently and effectively, you can't afford to waste words or space (not even on the web).

Here are a few easy tips.

(1) Learn how to recognize a cliche, then delete ALL of them and/or replace them with what you really mean. (i.e. Instead of saying "hit the nail on the head," say "...was right." As for "only time will tell," you can delete that entirely. It's obvious.)

(2) Break the habit of asking questions in your pieces. It's amateurish and your primary job as a writer is to give answers.

(3) Have someone read your work before it enters the public domain to save you from sounding cheesy. "The absence of the old gunslinger?" Seriously? "Dang near close?" Cringe

(4) Trademarks: look them up, then be sure to use the proper spelling and capitalization. (Laz-y-boy is incorrect.)

(5) Learn to recognize passive voice and avoid it. (i.e. "His presence is missed")

I hope that helps. Sportswriting is no different from any other writing.

Good luck!

 

[OklahomaSports]

Welcome to the site and thanks for being brave enough to invite critique. I'll help you.

It seems like you're trying to write like a TV sportscaster, and that's a huge mistake because so often they're just filling dead air time with banter. If you want to write intelligently and effectively, you can't afford to waste words or space (not even on the web).

Here are a few easy tips.

(1) Learn how to recognize a cliche, then delete ALL of them and/or replace them with what you really mean. (i.e. Instead of saying "hit the nail on the head," say "...was right." As for "only time will tell," you can delete that entirely. It's obvious.)

(2) Break the habit of asking questions in your pieces. It's amateurish and your primary job as a writer is to give answers.

(3) Have someone read your work before it enters the public domain to save you from sounding cheesy. "The absence of the old gunslinger?" Seriously? "Dang near close?" Cringe

(4) Trademarks: look them up, then be sure to use the proper spelling and capitalization. (Laz-y-boy is incorrect.)

(5) Learn to recognize passive voice and avoid it. (i.e. "His presence is missed")

I hope that helps. Sportswriting is no different from any other writing.

Good luck!

I Definetley see what you're saying and I appreciate the response.
Thanks!