Advice Needed re: bullying

[qtlaw]

So my 12 yr old is a very sensitive soul who has a hard time believing that people would pick on him. Rather than staying in the background he unknowingly draws attention to himself (eg. last night at the post game pizza, he put on a windbreaker because he was cold and probably told his teammates why). Which makes him a target. He's one of the better players (LL Majors) but not the top 2 or 3. Well last night as we are going to the car (I had been with the parents and seen nothing) he breaks down crying and says his teammates were whipping him with leaves from some plant because he had a jacket on. I first told him I loved him and pumped him up by saying they are just punks who are not going to go very far later (the Bill Gates v. jock comparison because my boy excels academically). He did fight back some he said using his martial arts training (2 years.) I told him I was proud of him for doing so.

My question is, I am the asst. coach on the team, should I ask mgr. to make a statement to the boys next gathering about supporting each other and not picking on each other? Would a non specific email to all parents asking them to remind their boys to support everyone and not pick on anyone help? Last night I was thinking to just pump up my boy, but this morning I thought of these two things. Your sage thoughts?

 

[Lugnuts]

I don't have any sage thoughts, I just want to say I'm sorry he had to go through that. Makes me want to whoop somebody upside the head. You son sounds like a great kid.

 

[lone star scribe]

I like the idea of putting it in the manager's hands. If you go to the parents, all you'll get is denial. We had the same problem with our youth team, and the head coach told players in no uncertain terms there would be repercussions for their actions. He meant it, and because the players absolutely loved him, they took it to heart.

 

[cranberry]

Keep in mind that coaching in a team sport gives you an ideal platform to have a strong dialogue about teamwork -- supporting each other and having each others' back.

 

[NDub]

I don't have kids, but I was bullied. I don't want to discourage you, but it was so bad that I stopped playing team sports by the end of middle school.

Looking back upon it, it always seemed like my coaches singled out players and tried to pump them up individually. Often times for me they'd use the wrong language. It was positive punishment, not positive reinforcement. I'd get down on myself (I was fat and had glasses by fifth grade) and they'd say "Come on, NDub. Don't put your head down." At the time, it rarely made me feel better. In hindsight, I don't believe that worked for me as it took many years for me to find my way.

What I'm getting at is to try positive reinforcement for your boy, but also what cranberry said when it comes to team activities such as games, practices, pizza parties, etc. Always remind them that they're in this together. Hopefully that will teach them to respect each other.

 

[jr/shotglass]

I lived with some of that too when I was in Little League, qt. The alpha dogs are going to be the alpha dogs, I'm afraid. I'm sorry your boy has to go through it.

I'd urge you NOT to be too transparent in efforts to address this. The bullies are just going to be further alienated from your son. Have an underlying message of teamwork and getting along ... but only as far as the average 12-year-old can't connect the dots.

 

[JackReacher]

He got picked on because he wore a jacket? And they whipped him with leaves from a plant because of it?

Those are the worst bullies ever. Good Lord.

 

[qtlaw]

He got picked on because he wore a jacket? And they whipped him with leaves from a plant because of it?

Those are the worst bullies ever. Good Lord.

You want to see the whip marks around his eyes and face? Really?

 

[Care Bear]

I think Sonner is seriously saying that their behavior is atrocious, qt.

 

[JackReacher]

He got picked on because he wore a jacket? And they whipped him with leaves from a plant because of it?

Those are the worst bullies ever. Good Lord.

You want to see the whip marks around his eyes and face? Really?

I'm not questioning your story. It sucks your kid had to go through that. But those bullies are idiots. Who picks on a kid for wearing a jacket? And who whips another kid with leaves? They've giving real bullies a bad name.

Yes, I realize none of that helps you with your problem. I'm not a parent, but I'd start by addressing the team maybe. Then again, if you do that, the awful bullies will know exactly why the coaches are giving that lecture and could make it worse on your kid.

Good luck.

Edit: CareBear is correct.

 

[rmanfredi]

What's your relationship like with the manager? Is he someone who seems like he would take the problem seriously, or just roll his eyes and say "yeah, we'll deal with it" and then do nothing? Generally, I would think going to the manager first is a good way to address it and see if you can come up with a way to talk to the team about the situation with addressing the specific problem. If that doesn't work, talk to the league president.

 

[qtlaw]

He got picked on because he wore a jacket? And they whipped him with leaves from a plant because of it?

Those are the worst bullies ever. Good Lord.

You want to see the whip marks around his eyes and face? Really?

I'm not questioning your story. It sucks your kid had to go through that. But those bullies are idiots. Who picks on a kid for wearing a jacket? And who whips another kid with leaves? They've giving real bullies a bad name.

Yes, I realize none of that helps you with your problem. I'm not a parent, but I'd start by addressing the team maybe. Then again, if you do that, the awful bullies will know exactly why the coaches are giving that lecture and could make it worse on your kid.

Good luck.

Edit: CareBear is correct.

Sorry, I thought you were being facetious.

What's your relationship like with the manager? Is he someone who seems like he would take the problem seriously, or just roll his eyes and say "yeah, we'll deal with it" and then do nothing? Generally, I would think going to the manager first is a good way to address it and see if you can come up with a way to talk to the team about the situation with addressing the specific problem. If that doesn't work, talk to the league president.

I get along with him very well. He's a serious want to win guy, but I think he'll be serious in telling them he will not stand for that type of behavior.

 

[jr/shotglass]

And believe me, qt, if the coach says he will not stand for that type of behavior, 12 sets of eyes are going to shift over to your son.

You don't want that for him.

 

[Point of Order]

No. ID the problem child that is starting the crap (most I'm sure are just followers) and figure out how best to deal with that particular kid. Don't have your son be ”the one who is complaining & getting everyone else on trouble.”

 

[jr/shotglass]

That's a step in the right direction, yes.

 

[qtlaw]

And believe me, qt, if the coach says he will not stand for that type of behavior, 12 sets of eyes are going to shift over to your son.

You don't want that for him.

JR,
So you mean something along the lines of "I expect you guys to support and respect each other at all times, on the field, off the field, and whenever you guys see each other. This does not end when the game is over." I certainly don't want anyone to know its specific to my boy and I was not even going to identify who to the mgr.

I was always the shortest/smallest guy so I scrapped and would not take any crap from anyone, even if I got my butt kicked. (I was also a minority so that didn't help either.) My boy is too sensitive for that tact although he says he fought back so maybe he'll get there.

I'm just hoping there can be a change but am not putting $$ on it.

 

[qtlaw]

No. ID the problem child that is starting the crap (most I'm sure are just followers) and figure out how best to deal with that particular kid. Don't have your son be ”the one who is complaining & getting everyone else on trouble.”

So what confront him individually? I know who it is. His parents? I wanted to avoid the specific confrontation.

 

[jr/shotglass]

It's difficult, qt. I even think the scenario you paint there would be too transparent at the point where he says, "This does not end when the game is over." The kids are going to know just what he's talking about.

The more I think about it, the more I think Point has the right point. Attack the head -- the kid at the middle of it -- and the body will die.

 

[Boom_70]

Tough situation. 12 year olds have a finely tuned antenna for understanding transparent circumstances.

My random thoughts:

1. If you feel comfortable with the HC talk with him about it so at least he is aware of the situation

2. you can't get involved. it will make it worse for your son

3. If HC is aware he might be able to catch kids in the act.
and deal directly with situation. 12 yr old boys are like dogs. Yelling at them after the fact won't work

4. If you want to do something preemptive talk to the kids in general about acting professional on the bench. Pay attention to the game. Ask them if they ever see Derek Jeter and A Rod clowning around.

5. You could also send a general e mail around to parents asking for their support in that you are demanding that the kids "act professionally" when on the bench during games. Emphasize that it's as much a part of teaching the game as it is on the field. Also mention that it's a safety issue to protect kids for foul balls and errant practice swings.

6. Get your kid to lose the "I know karate" thing. It looks goofy and will only subject him to further ridicule.

7 . Talk to your kid and tell him the world is full of assholes and that it's a tough but good lesson in life to learn to deal with. Also tell him that he needs to keep his focus on doing well in game to help the team. That will earn him respect.

Good luck and be sure that you can trust the head coach to be discrete before you speak with him.

 

[jr/shotglass]

Great post. I was thinking about No. 6 too, and didn't mention it.