A Five Part Serial Narrative About HS Football

[KVV]

So, this is a bit of a departure from what is often posted here, and will require a bit more of an investment from the Venerable Professors here, but I think it could be a good chance to help the Writer's Workshop open its doors to all kinds of stories. After discussing this with Jones, I decided to go ahead and post a story of mine so we can have a conversation about narrative writing. It's something I've done in the past and would like to do more of. If it's something you've always wanted to do, or have done some of but have questions about, I hope you'll participate.

I just recently wrapped up a five-part serial narrative about a high school football in West Baltimore. I spent several months working on it. The entire thing ended up being about, oh, 16,000 words. But my editors never questioned its length. And they let me have a tremendous amount of freedom to try something ambitious and important. In the end, they seemed pleased with the result. But I'd like to hear what you think.

The idea I had was to follow a football team for a week, completely immersing myself in the lives of the coaches and kids, and use the impeding football game (the biggest game of the year) as the engine to drive the narrative. The story, however, wouldn't be about football as much as it would be about the lives of inner city teenagers and the importance of sports and male role models in helping kids avoid pitfalls of urban poverty. (In some ways, it's kind of a cross between Friday Night Lights and The Wire. At least that was the idea.) It wasn't easy. At times, I wondered if it was much too ambitious. But I earned the trust of the kids very quickly (I worked on the story with another reporter, but he turned his notes over toe me, and I did all the writing) and I was witness to a lot of great teenage moments.

So here it is, all five parts. Does is succeed? Fail? What would you have done differently? What works and what does not? Have you ever tried something similar? I worked with the paper's narrative editor on the story, and the managing editor had lots of input, but more feedback can't hurt, and I'm not sure we talk enough around here about how to construct narrative stories (I post on SportsJournalists.com under another name on occasion). Hopefully this can help kick start a fun discussion. And you don't have to sugar coat stuff. I understand by posting it here, I may see it devoured by a vicious pack of wolves. And even if you do hate the writing and the storytelling style, check out some of the multimedia stuff we did for the story (podcasts, audio interviews, slideshows, video clips). Some of it is wonderful. (Just don't skip ahead to find out the ending!) It really, in my opinion, is an example of what papers should (if they have the resources) do more of to draw readers in.

If it takes you a few days or a week to get through it, no sweat. I'll be back. Thanks in advance. If you'd prefer to respond by PM, you can, or you can send me an email at [email protected].


The entire series is called: The Big Game.

You can click on the links below, or find the whole thing at: baltimoresun.com/edmondson

Here is the editor's note that ran each day with the stories.

About this series: Kevin Van Valkenburg and Lem Satterfield began reporting this series in mid-September of 2006. Along with photographer André Chung, they spent the entire week with the Red Storm football team leading up to the Edmondson-City College game on Sept. 23. They interviewed players, other students, coaches, teachers, administrators and family. They witnessed nearly every scene in these stories while driving to school with the players, attending classes and school events with them, observing practices, hanging out in the locker room, visiting players' homes and watching the big game. Additional follow-up reporting was done throughout the season. In certain instances, players and coaches were asked to recount their thoughts during a scene after it had taken place. Van Valkenburg wrote the stories.

PART I: A Game of Contrasts

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/highschool/bal-edmondson012807,0,1475336.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

Part II: The Promise of a Fresh Start

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/highschool/bal-te.sp.edmondson29jan29,0,6290636.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

Part III: On the Ball Off the Field

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/highschool/bal-te.sp.edmondsonheds30jan30,0,7957829.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

Part IV: Doubts and Distractions

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/highschool/bal-te.sp.edmondsonheds31jan31,0,416590.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

Part V: The Showdown

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/highschool/bal-te.sp.edmondson01feb01,0,6819493.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

 

[KVV]

Three more things to add, all which perhaps may help start a discussion.

1. Some high level editors believed very strongly that the story needed a nut graph. The paper's narrative editor and I were against this, and fought very hard to keep it out of the story. We went back and forth for several days until we reached a compromise. Instead of a nut graph (which I believe true narrative doesn't need, but newspapers are reluctant to break away from) we settled on having a Prologue. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I don't own the newspaper, so the story starts with a prologue. I'm not sure it's necessary, and would probably have preferred to start the story with the scene in the film room.

In your opinion, is a prologue or a nut graph necessary? With magazines we have the expectation that people are going to read stories without being told WHY THEY SHOULD READ THIS STORY. But with newspapers it's different.

Should it be?

2. One of the things both the narrative editor and the managing editor were very adamant about is that each part needed to have a "theme." Otherwise, why are they their own part? Would this story have been better in four parts? If so, what would you lose? Originally, I wanted each day to be its own part, and that the excitement leading up to the game would build as the week went on. In the end, two days ended up being collapsed into Part IV. I think it was the right decision, but I fought hard to keep Parts II and III from being combined. I felt that the characters were different, and they had different stories, and needed their own day to address different subjects. But it doesn't mean I was right.

3. Originally, after spending three days with the team and getting so much great stuff, I went back and re-pitched the story to my editor, Tim Wheatley, and he greenlighted me to spend the entire season with the team. He felt the material I had was already strong enough to warrant me staying longer. But the coach, Dante Jones, wouldn't allow it. He thought it would be too much of a distraction. So my reporting time (at least as far as scenes) was limited to this one week. So here is my question: How much would the story have benefited from staying longer? Or was the week of reporting time, and the material gathered, enough to tell the story I was trying to tell?

 

[jgmacg]

Let me be the first to say that this an extraordinary piece of work. Thanks for posting it, KVV. It should, and I hope will, prompt a lot of discussion.

It being Saturday morning, I have to run out for a while, but look very much forward to going over the piece in greater detail with our colleagues.

I can't recommend strongly enough that the younger writers here wade into this story and read it carefully.

Again, thanks for sharing it with us.

 

[Piotr Rasputin]

Three more things to add, all which perhaps may help start a discussion.

1. The paper's editor and managing editor believed very strongly that the story needed a nut graph. The paper's narrative editor and I were against this, and fought very hard to keep it out of the story. We went back and forth for several days until we reached a compromise. Instead of a nut graph (which I believe true narrative doesn't need, but newspapers are reluctant to break away from) we settled on having a Prologue. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I don't own the newspaper, so the story starts with a prologue. I'm not sure it's necessary, and would probably have preferred to start the story with the scene in the film room.

In your opinion, is a prologue or a nut graph necessary? With magazines we have the expectation that people are going to read stories without being told WHY THEY SHOULD READ THIS STORY. But with newspapers it's different.

Should it be?

For me, the opening made me stop reading. Very cliched, and I almost decided not to read further.

HOWEVER . . . .

I finished the first story, and that is excellent work. The opening is completely unnecessary.

 

[KVV]

For me, the opening made me stop reading. Very cliched, and I almost decided not to read further.

HOWEVER . . . .

I finished the first story, and that is excellent work. The opening is completely unnecessary.

Piotr, I appreciate that you kept going. As I said, the prologue ... not my idea. But the story started each day on the A1, not the sports section, so the paper's editors wanted something that would explain why we were writing this story. Maybe some people were drawn in by it. I don't know. This was essentially what they wanted. I wasn't thrilled with it, but a lot of newspaper editors are reluctant to just let a story unfold. That's part of the challenge with attempting narrative, I guess.

 

[Angola!]

For me, the opening made me stop reading. Very cliched, and I almost decided not to read further.

HOWEVER . . . .

I finished the first story, and that is excellent work. The opening is completely unnecessary.

Piotr, I appreciate that you kept going. As I said, the prologue ... not my idea. But the story started each day on the A1, not the sports section, so the paper's editors wanted something that would explain why we were writing this story. Maybe some people were drawn in by it. I don't know. This was essentially what they wanted. I wasn't thrilled with it, but a lot of newspaper editors are reluctant to just let a story unfold. That's part of the challenge with attempting narrative, I guess.

Did it only run the first day? If so, then I am not too broken up over the inclusion of it. I've read the first two stories and they are pretty interesting. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Montezuma's Revenge]

That lead-in is horrific and off-putting. Cliche central.

That whole nut-graf mentality thing is a perfect example of how too many people don't trust the damn story to unfold.

And there has to be a better way to begin the actual narrative than, "We begin ..."

 

[KVV]

And there has to be a better way to begin the actual narrative than, "We begin ..."

Certainly a good point. Wish I had that one back.

 

[Leo Mazzone]

KVV--
Just finished reading it through and am interested to hear what others say about it from my learning standpoint. I've never attempted something of this magnitude (doubt many have).

I did have one question: Did Jones deny you access the rest of the season because he pinned his team's distractions --and only loss of the season-- on you having been there that week?

And for some reason one of the closing lines, Jones' point to the sky after winning state, stuck with me. Did he tell you it was a thank-you to God? Could it have been tribute to Darryl, or another late friend or family member? Maybe I just missed a religious connection with Jones somewhere earlier in the story.

I know. Out of 16k words, that's what I come up with.

Enjoyed it, thanks for posting.

 

[STLIrish]

KVV,

Just read the whole thing. Nicely done. I especially liked the section (was it the first half of Part Three?) about Tariq. And I thought you did a good job weaving together the stories of so many characters. That can be tough.
One question: Did you give any thought to ending Part 5 at the end of the game, and doing "the rest of the season" on a sixth day? It just seemed like a lot got crammed into that fifth story. And the game could made a natural climax that could have been followed on the day after with how they did the rest of the year.

 

[KVV]

Many thanks to all of you who took the time to read it, whether you liked it or no. Some quick answers.

Angola, the prologue only ran the first day of the story.

Leo, Jones did deny me access after the week of the City game because he felt that the kids couldn't handle the attention. I even offered to seriously scale back, but he said he just didn't think the kids were mature enough to deal with it. I was disappointed, but I understood. (He obviously had bigger issues to worry about with these kids.) Though I felt like I had enough info to write a decent story anyway, but I think, obviously, with more reporting time different characters might have become a part of the story, and there might have been some darker moments with the kids emerge.

As for your question about Dante's faith, yes, he was fairly religious man, and there was a small mention of that in Part I, but perhaps not enough to connect it to that final moment where he points at the sky. I wondered too if it might be about Darryl, and asked him in the Ravens locker room about it, and he said that, while he thought about Darryl all the time, that was more about thanking God for giving him the chance to help these kids. He really is a very admirable person, and if you check out the pictures, he's physically quite striking, which made for some great art.

STLIrish, Tariq was probably one of the most interesting high school kids I've ever met. A real old soul, so to speak. With Sterling, there were times when I felt like I needed to have my bull**** detector on high alert, but with Tariq, he was brutally honest and realistic about not only himself, but about Baltimore City and the difficulties kids face.

As for a possibility of a part VI, yes at one point that is the route I wanted to go. And the sports editor agreed with me that perhaps the epilogue should be its own day and its own part. But those in charge felt that readers would be too exhausted by then to go on. If you had all this build up, created all this meaning, had you pulling for these kids, then broke your heart, the managing editor felt like readers wouldn't stick around for a Part VI. I don't know. I think in some respects that the epilogue is a bit rushed, but the story is already something like 120 inches. Maybe a Part 6 would have been the best way to solve that issue.

One of the things about a serial (which is different from a series) is that it's supposed to have twists and cliffhangers along the way that make you want to keep reading. It's hard to argue that you could ever have a better twist than the team losing the big game. Something to think about, I guess.

Again, thanks a bunch for reading and for your thoughtful comments.

 

[Jones]

Well, Kevin, I read your series today and first off, congratulations. It's really a beautiful, substantive piece of work that'll be with you and these kids for a long time.

For the purposes of this dicussion, I think two things stand out for me.

1) Picking the subject. Before anyone heads into a narrative like this -- Bringing the Heat, Friday Night Lights -- it's a gamble, but I guess it's an educated gamble. I'm curious why you picked this team, this season. Obviously, it worked out great -- the loss to City coupled with the state win -- but I'd like to know what made you pick this team. Why not City? Why not a terrible team in a ****hole school? I've thought a few times about doing this kind of story, and I've always been like, What if you spend a season somewhere and it just doesn't turn out? Do you just make it work? Or do you just can a year's worth of effort?

2) Structure. I think to make something like this sing, structure is key. I liked the way you divided it up by days; I think that's a natural. I've gone back and forth on whether the epilogue should have been broken off or not. The way it reads now, there's some nice momentum to it. On the other hand, breaking those parts up might have given you more space for each. Those are the kinds of decisions that a narrative writer needs to make.

I suppose other than days of the week, you could have broken it up more explicity by personality -- although you did that to some extent. For example: Coach, Sterling, Kyle, Tariq, Cox, Game. Almost like a series of profiles tied into the Big Game. I don't think your series suffered for its day-by-day approach, but I don't think it's the only approach. Of course, that's another one of those decisions that you make at the outset and live with. Another gamble that might be worth discussing.

Bottom line, it's clear that a series like this is one giant risk -- for the writer, for the paper, for the subjects. It's a major leap of faith. When it works -- and this one works perfectly -- it makes newspapers something bigger than they seem to be satisfied being. I'm curious if anyone out there embarked on one of these things that didn't pan out. I'd love to hear some stories of falling off the tightrope -- not out of some perverse pleasure, but to see if we can figure out why some of these work and some don't.

I agree that the prologue is probably unnecessary, but I think it might have been a way to allay a few of the fears that a series like this might have instilled in the suits.

My only other thought is that, because you're a talented writer, I wouldn't have minded seeing you stretch the writing a little bit. There are some beautiful turns -- Beowulf; the digital trash talking (never even entered my mind that that would be going on, a sort of modern pressure that kids of old never dealt with); the entire section on Tariq especially (that's the best stuff, I think, lyrically; I really, really liked that kid) -- but I wouldn't have minded seeing you take a few more risks. Maybe there were enough risks taken already. Maybe it was a by-product of so many editors getting their mitts in (I suspect that's the case). But yeah, and again not to take anything away at all from this sweet piece of work -- maybe next time out, take a hit from a bong and see what spins.

I hope this thread takes off, because I think there's a lot of value to be mined here -- lots of lessons to learn. And hopefully this inspires a few other writers and editors to take a stab at being something other than glorified agate. I really believe newspapers, to survive, need to be telling these kinds of stories. No one else really can.

Thanks for posting, Kevin, and again, great work.

 

[jgmacg]

Three more things to add, all which perhaps may help start a discussion.

1. In your opinion, is a prologue or a nut graph necessary?

2. One of the things both the narrative editor and the managing editor were very adamant about is that each part needed to have a "theme." Otherwise, why are they their own part? Would this story have been better in four parts? If so, what would you lose?

3. How much would the story have benefited from staying longer? Or was the week of reporting time, and the material gathered, enough to tell the story I was trying to tell?

KVV -

Again, this is a terrific piece of work. You deserve to be praised up one side and down the other for its ambition and execution, for its heart and for its intelligence, for its elegance and empathy and clearheadedness. A really fine piece of writing and reporting in all regards. Congratulations.

I guess what I'll chip in with today starts with the questions I've quoted above.

1. There's a nut graf in every story, whether we admit to it or not. It's only a question of how the thing gets done. I think the voodoo and the craft in longform narrative are in how you shell the nut. I find that sometimes a single sentence, rightly done, can explain everything about the 16,000-word story to follow. As simple as "Here's what's at stake, to whom, and why." Perversely, there are 800-word stories so complicated they can't be explained except by devoting half the story to exegesis and bookkeeping.
For me the nut question here is one of dissonance more than anything. You've got this immense, gorgeous story - a magazine feature in almost every regard - running in a newspaper. Right there you know you're going to have to finesse the lede in such a way as to satisfy the editors' imperatives about
clarity and exposition. Newspaper editors, also skittish in general about series, feel they need to launch the thing with an audible bang in a direction the reader's likely to follow. Hence the prologue, which is kind of leaden.

In short, given those factors, I'm not sure you could have done it any other way than how it was done.

Having said that, though, I'd have tried this: When they come to you and say "We need a nut," you say "Fine," but ask for another day to rewrite your first 500 words. You open the story in scene, as you did, in the meeting room. Open, though, with the quote. Like this:


"THIS IS THE KIND OF [EXPLETIVE] I'M TALKING ABOUT!" the man in the chair barks, thrusting a meaty finger in the direction of the television. His voice climbs an octave in frustration."RIGHT HERE! THIS [EXPLETIVE]! WE TEACH YOU TECHNIQUE, AND YOU DON'T USE THE DAMN TECHNIQUE!"

A dark high school classroom, and 35 stone-faced teenage boys fidget in their seats, their eyes fixed on the blue glow of a television. A football game, recorded in the rain with a shaky, hand-held camera, fills the screen. Up front, squatting in his chair, a 38-year-old man with a large belly and a scowl on his face holds a remote in his right hand. His large, brown eyes burn with anger. When he speaks, his South Carolina accent echoes off the classroom's concrete walls, so loud, at times, it sounds like a hammer striking metal

"TELL YOU WHAT: WHEN YOUR MAMA AND DADDY CALL ME AFTER THE SEASON ASKING WHY YOU AIN'T PLAYING COLLEGE BALL, I'M GONNA INVITE THEM UP HERE TO WATCH THIS TAPE! BECAUSE THIS IS SOME BUSH LEAGUE [EXPLETIVE] RIGHT HERE!"


This week in mid-September, just like every week, young men's lives are at stake. This is a story about...

This is the first sentence of your nut graf now, and a fair place to drop a hundred or two-hundred words on what we're about to read.

I'm not sure they'd have gone for it, but this is what I'd have tried.

Continued Below:

 

[jgmacg]

Continued:

2. I think chronology is the probably only way to organize this story for a newspaper. In a magazine you might be able to argue for outlining the story by character, or by the story arcs of different kids - but in a newspaper a straight-up chronology makes the most sense. The only way to ensure that the editors give each piece its due, however - meaning no telescoping of two days down into one once you hand the piece in - is to get them to agree to it from the very beginning. M, T, W, Th, F, S. Six parts, with the epilogue as an integral part of the last day. Or W, Th, F, S - with lots of the backstory rolled into the W, Th installments. Four parts. Whatever you agree on, though, before you embark, is what you deliver. That way you know going in how to organize your story. It also gives you leverage if the editors lose their mud at the last minute and you need to argue.

3. I think a week of research suited this piece wonderfully. I liked the immediacy of it, and the snapshot nature of "Here's this specific moment in time." Any more than that, and you're looking at a book - or at least a story too rich and complicated to tell in the available space.

That said, it's completely up to a writer to sustain or compress the story. I've done 13,000-word stories on the events of a single weekend; and have compressed the life story of a 90-year-old man into the same space. You write the story for the space you have to tell the story, I think.

And a final thought for the morning - along with the hope that we get some further comments on this wonderful piece. I agree with The Jones that at a few points in the story I wanted to see you cut loose a little, and give us some of the writing and thought of which you're clearly capable. Nothing overwrought or showy, mind, but a little poetry when and where called for.

But we can take that up in greater detail after some other folks weigh in.

Thanks again for posting this, Kevin.

 

[RedCanuck]

Nice piece. I've just started introducing longer narrative into our paper - I did a full day with the referees at a minor hockey rink on the weekend, but kept it to about 3,500 words. I don't think it had the depth this has.

Indeed, I think the narratives are compelling reads - and more often than not, especially with the Internet age, this type of writing will sell newspapers. They provide an excellent amount of depth that you couldn't do in most other formats.

Like jgmacg, I agree that chronology is probably one of the best ways to organize a series and make it work.

 

[KVV]

Gentlemen, thanks so much for your comments. I'll try to address them all, and throw out a few more general questions not specific necessarily to this story.

1) Picking the subject. Before anyone heads into a narrative like this -- Bringing the Heat, Friday Night Lights -- it's a gamble, but I guess it's an educated gamble. I'm curious why you picked this team, this season. Obviously, it worked out great -- the loss to City coupled with the state win -- but I'd like to know what made you pick this team. Why not City? Why not a terrible team in a ****hole school? I've thought a few times about doing this kind of story, and I've always been like, What if you spend a season somewhere and it just doesn't turn out? Do you just make it work? Or do you just can a year's worth of effort?

One of the reasons I picked this school is because, at the time, the gubernatorial elections were coming up. One of the major issues during the campaign, which was waged between the incumbent governor and the mayor of Baltimore, was education. The governor and his people were very quick to point out (some would say rightfully so) how godawful Baltimore city schools are, and wanted to blame some of this on the mayor. The mayor would often point to rising test scores and progress in some schools, but you never really know how much of that is true because with No Child Left behind, it has become easy (and some would say necessary) for schools to simply teach the tests and juke the stats. To me, what was getting lost in this constant bickering was the actual kids. A lot of the people who live in the surrounding areas of Baltimore look at the city with scorn, but because of crime, few ever really venture into East or West Baltimore to actually know anything about the people who live there. As a sports writer, I always felt somewhat left out around election day, so I started thinking about how I could write a story that had sports as the backdrop, but deep down, was really about Baltimore city. I picked Edmondson high school because, in addition to having a good football team, it wasn't one of the absolute worst schools (if you can believe that), and it wasn't one of the best. It was just a typical inner city Baltimore high school, and its problems are not unique. One of the things I liked about it (and one of the things that both the coach and the principal were thrilled about after the story ran) is that it showed people the good and the bad. They said that prior to this, the only time they saw the news media is when something went really well (a state championship!) or when something went pretty bad (a shooting, a drug deal, a fight). They wanted people to understand the struggle some of these kids face without making it seem like Baltimore city is Sarajevo. And because the kids had rarely been written about, they didn't resort immediately to cliches. After a few days, they clearly understood the larger issues I was interested in, and some of them (Tariq especially) had a lot to say about them. (This entire series, really, could have focused on Tariq, because a lot of what we talked about never even made the article. It was too difficult to fit into the format I chose.)

I think it would have been interesting to chose a terrible team in a ****hole school, and the issues of violence and poverty would have been that much more obvious, but the paper had written about that some previously (we did a great series on two high school kids who were essentially homeless), and I also wanted to show how, despite what we read and hear sometimes, coaches like Dante Jones can make a difference through sports. Newspapers tend to overlook inner city narratives sometimes because they think they'll be too hard to do, or reporters are afraid to go into "the ghetto" to find those stories, and maybe as a result, there is a feeling in places like West Baltimore that the paper only shows up when people get killed. There's distrust. I guess as I got into the story, I thought maybe it would be important to show that it's not always the case.

My feeling was, win or lose, there would be a story there. In some ways, I think the story could maybe end with the kids linking arms and shouting the word TEAM, and that may have been where it ended if they didn't win the state championship later (which forced me to rethink the story, and shadow some things differently throughout). I guess if you spent a season with a team and it simply didn't work out, you'd just have to weigh your options if there was something salvageable. Bissinger has said several times that he went down to Texas for FNL, he had no idea what he was going to really write, and then when Boobie blew out his knee, he realized there was a much darker story unfolding. I guess, though I really have no idea, that you figure it out as you go.

(cont.)

 

[KVV]

2) Structure. I think to make something like this sing, structure is key. I liked the way you divided it up by days; I think that's a natural. I've gone back and forth on whether the epilogue should have been broken off or not. The way it reads now, there's some nice momentum to it. On the other hand, breaking those parts up might have given you more space for each. Those are the kinds of decisions that a narrative writer needs to make.

I suppose other than days of the week, you could have broken it up more explicity by personality -- although you did that to some extent. For example: Coach, Sterling, Kyle, Tariq, Cox, Game. Almost like a series of profiles tied into the Big Game. I don't think your series suffered for its day-by-day approach, but I don't think it's the only approach. Of course, that's another one of those decisions that you make at the outset and live with. Another gamble that might be worth discussing.

The reason I settled on the day-to-day structure is that I kind of wanted the reader to experience, at least in theory, what I knew so well from playing football in high school and college: The building tension of a week of a big game. Things are always light and fun at the beginning of the week, but as the game gets closer, all kinds of stress and anxiety creeps in. And for these kids, it wasn't just winning and losing. It was stress about their futures, and stress about losing their friends, schoolwork, etc. Serials -- from what I've read from the Poynter people and from what an old editor, Jan Winburn, (one of the best in the business) told me -- need to have one driving engine throughout, and they also should have questions, cliffhangers and even a few twists along the way to keep you hooked. You want to read more because you want to know what happens at the end, kind of like a book. The day-to-day thing seemed like the most logical approach to that. If I could have stayed for the entire season, it obviously would have been different. In fact, if it were still a serial, the entire week I spent with the team, including the loss, might have been Part I. The only thing I really worried about in focusing on one kid each day is that I worried that by the time you got to the fourth kid, you might have completely forgotten about, say, Sterling. Perhaps that could have been done simply by shifting the point of view, and I could still have shown them interacting with one another, but the managing editor was adamant that each part have a theme. At several points, I was worried that he might try to cut out characters entirely, and so I came up with the idea to group Sterling and Kyle together (because they both saw football as a chance to get away from violence or poverty, and because they had dreams of playing in the NFL), and Tariq and Dionta together (because they both wanted something else from football, be it an education or acceptance). That helped Part II and III have structure, and helped them feel different from one another.

The writing stuff, and sections where I might have stretched my legs, was the toughest part, and I want to be careful with what I say here. I had some great editing on this project, and it would not have come together like it did without a lot of frustrating, challenging and productive editing sessions. My editor, and the managing editor, probably saved me from myself many, many times by cutting stuff. But in the original draft, there was, well, more poetry. Some of it was probably really bad lyrical language. I know that. But some of it ... I felt like it wasn't eliminated for overwriting as much as for taste. That's fine. I'm not upset (now) with how it went down, but during the process I did get extremely frustrated a couple of times over various "safe" edits, and a couple times I wanted to pitch my entire computer out the second floor window. It's hard, as a young writer, to know when you should fight for something, and when you should defer to other's judgment. Some writers, having built up credibility over time, can get stuff in the paper I probably cannot. That's just a fact.

 

[KVV]

Some things I did fight for, and a few, I did win. And to be honest, this story probably would have retained more of those things had it run in the sports section, where I do have more credibility. But with a lot of editors involved, and a hell of a lot of real estate needed to get this story in the paper, I had to stand down and hope that the subject matter would be good enough to keep people reading. I think I was also really trying to be conscious of not overwriting, since that seems to be what people ***** about most often here and elsewhere. But I guess my question is: How do you stand up for stuff you really like, and how do you deal with it as a writer if your story has been trimmed down (not length-wise, but style-wise) so much that it starts to feel like you've lost your voice?

A good friend of mine who I went to journalism school with, someone I even asked to be in my wedding, said he was going to be brutally honest with me after reading this. "I didn't like it that much because it doesn't have your voice in it," he said. I'm not sure if he was right or wrong, but it did make me think hard about whether that was true. I tried numerous times to eliminate adverbs based on Chris' advice, but they simply kept getting reinserted. At some point, I relented. I wonder if I should have fought harder. Freaking adverbs.

(cont.)

 

[KVV]

jgmacg, I really do like the way you've re-imagined the lede. I really do like beginning stories with the kind of powerful quote, because I do think it thrusts you right into the scene. I'm not sure I could have done anything to convince them to dump the clunky prologue, but that might have come closest. One particularly frustrating day, I was exchanging text messages about the story with a friend, and he told me something similar. State a theme, and trick them into thinking it's a nut graph. The narrative editor and I sort of tried to do that in this section (below), but by that point, I think the men in charge were convinced it needed a prologue regardless.

The game will reveal whether the Red Storm players are really as good as they've been telling themselves. And that answer might start to tell them something about how far football might take them in their lives. Can it provide a pathway to college educations and a toehold in the middle class? Can it become a career in itself? Can it, at a minimum, instill in these players a discipline that will enable them to avoid the drugs and violence that consume so many of the young in this city?

Or maybe Saturday's game is destined to become nothing more than a memory of old men, an ephemeral moment of glory or heartache when they shared a common purpose and intense friendship.

Here is one more point for debate, since it ended up being one of the bigger fights I had over the story. Ultimately I won, but not without a major struggle. The opening to part 5 begins with Sterling and Kyle sitting on a concrete ledge, overlooking their crummy high school field, six hours before the game. They're talking about flying a kite. I thought it was a really nice moment, and that it reflected the innocence of these kids. It was one last moment to take a breath right before this epic game was going to be played and remind you that these are just kids, despite the fact that they have to deal with death and violence, and in the very next scene, they're prancing around screaming and shouting, pretending to be Ray Lewis.

Well, some editors did not like the kite scene at all. They wanted to see the game. Now. Enough of the build up, they said. It's been four days of foreplay. There was the feeling that we should start part five with Sterling screaming and talking ****, right at midfield, thrusting you into the action.

I dug my heels in, rewrote it somewhat, and ultimately won (after three hours). I felt that beginning the story at the game, while compelling, was ultimately too similar to things I'd seen and read before. I'd never seen kids talking nervously about kites. I liked quiet intimacy of the moment. Was I wrong? A friend of mine said the kite thing was his favorite part in the whole serial. But that doesn't mean we were right.

Here is the scene again. It's slimmed down from its original version, which I thought was better, but it retains most of what I wanted.

Although it doesn't reflect it, in the actual hard copy of the paper, there was a line inserted by the designer after this scene, sort of like the kind of scene break you see in magazines, which I thought helped separate the two. I do like how some of these stories read, and I am proud overall of how it reads, but the pictures and the design really, really helped bring it to life too, so a little something is lost by reading it online.

Sterling Jones sits on a concrete ledge above rusty metal bleachers at Edmondson-Westside High School watching the school band labor through a last rehearsal before tonight's football game. His feet dangle over the ledge, but it is hardly an image of relaxation. He nervously rocks back and forth.

The biggest game of his senior year is tonight, Saturday, Sept. 23, Edmondson versus City College under the lights at Polytechnic Institute's football stadium.

It is still hours away, and the waiting has become torture.

The Red Storm coaches have fired up the grill nearby, and the air smells of charcoal and lighter fluid. It's sunny, and as the wind kicks up, a quiet memory flits into Sterling's mind.

"This is the kind of day you want to fly a kite, yo," Sterling says to Kyle Jackson, his teammate and best friend.

"I ain't never learned how to, yo," says Kyle.

"Man, I loved it. I loved my kite," Sterling says. "It was a Spider-Man kite. I only flew it one time, but I still remember it."

"Yeah," Kyle says, grinning.

For the next several minutes, they don't say another word.

 

[Billy Pritchard]

I agree with your friend -- the kite scene was the lasting image I took from the entire series. It was a fantastic example of showing that these are kids we're reading about. I'm glad you won this battle.