Your greatest sports/athletic achievement

What, you couldn't put up 300?

 

No. I'm a pussy, basically.

I should play for the Bears.

 

Edited for clarity.

 

Also true.

 

I remember reading about Dan Kendra from Florida State doing some ridiculous total on the leg press, setting the school record, and bleeding from his EYEBALLS afterward because he'd broken all the capillaries in them.

Can I assume you didn't suffer the same fate, F_H?

 

I had some good baseball seasons, but one of my favorite stories from my own athletic accomplishments comes from eighth grade -- not a bad year, but not an important league because everyone was getting ready to start playing high-school ball.

We're playing in a tournament game, and since the game doesn't matter and the coach doesn't want to burn out the starters, he puts me in to start a game (I'd only closed a few up to that point). I'm in the third inning when one of the kids from the other team comes to bat.

He's batting seventh or eighth in the lineup because while he's a good athlete and a good first baseman, he also only has half of his left arm.

He's batting lefty. I don't want him to get a hit -- my buddies were cruel and I was competitive as shit anyway. So I go inside on him, figuring I'll probably just walk him.

Nope -- thunk! -- right in his back with the first pitch. Yeah, I drilled a kid w/ one arm.

Story's not done yet.

Kid's on first base, and he keeps baiting me by taking bigger and bigger leads. I know he fast, and with my delivery he'll easily steal second. I throw over once, hoping he'll cut his lead. Not quite. He makes me throw over again.

No f-ing shit, I hit him -- again -- while trying to pick him off.

I could have had sex with a rhino on national TV and my buddies would have forgot about it quicker.

 

Nothing magnificent to speak of. I guess my biggest accomplishment was getting a college scholarship to play soccer. And after two years of bickering with my high school coach - which led to my not playing very much - I started all but about five games in college.

Scored a diving-header goal against a top-10 team once too! Of course that game was later credited as a 1-0 forfeit win for us after losing the game 3-1. Do I still get credit for that goal?

 

It took some searching, but I found it: Joey Lauren Adams with our boy Blue.

(about seven minutes into the segment.)

I love YouTube.

 

I homered off both Pete Rozelle and Jack Kemp in a friendly softball game, which got me a lot of attention at the Commish's cookout afterwards.