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Wizards Summer League Wrap Up

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Will637, Jul 21, 2007.

  1. Will637

    Will637 New Member

    Click to read feature
  2. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    Will -

    Thanks for posting with us again.

    I'm going to make the same writing suggestions I made last time. Keep at it. Master some more of the basics - like grammar, sentence structure, punctuation - and keep writing.

    Also, read and read and read and read. Read everything. It's the easiest way to become a better writer in a hurry.

    Since I'm not a basketball guy, I can't speak to the opinions you're offering about the players. But your energy and industry and self-motivation are all terrifically commendable.

    Hope this finds you well, and thanks again for sharing your work.
  3. Will637

    Will637 New Member

    Thanks for the feedback.
  4. Hey Will-

    Thanks for sharing. I've caught snippets of the other threads you've started on here, so I know you're young and eager to learn. I don't mean to sound repetitive, but you should listen to jgmacg's advice and continue to improve your writing. You offered some insightful analysis and have written some solid things here. But at the same time, you've made some major errors in grammar that turn me off, as a reader, almost immediately.

    Your first sentence:

    That's repetitive. Even a quick self-edit should catch stuff like this.

    Who is "we?" If you're part of this collective "we," you should never insert yourself into a story. If you're talking about Wizards fans in general, it might be a bit much to assume that everyone's jaw dropped.

    Grammar error. "... if he wants to be a smarter and conservative player in the NBA." That phrase doesn't make any sense.

    More grammar errors. "Nick has expressed he was looking forward to ..." is two different tenses. "... but the biggest transition from college to the NBA are ..." You've gone from singular to plural here.

    Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but I've noticed relatively glaring errors in four of your first five sentences. As a reader, that turns me off. Like I said before, you've made some good observations in your article, but no one will ever know that if readers dump your story after the first paragraph. Just keep reading as much as you can and keep writing as much as you can. You seem to have a good grasp on the game of basketball, but your writing needs to be cleaner and more polished.

    As an editor, if you turned this in to be published I'd send it back in a hurry. Most of the mistakes you've made are things a writer should catch before ever submitting a piece. The next time you write something, try printing it out and reading it as if you're an editor. Pretend you have no idea who wrote it. I bet you'll catch a lot of errors yourself and it will help you so you don't make them again.

    Thanks again for posting and good luck!
  5. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr 637,

    Just a couple of suggestions:

    Watching Nick Young play can either be fun or frustrating to watch. In your first sentence or two, make him fun or frustraing to watch. Maybe set up two scenes, one fun, one frustrating, in two two- or three-sentence paragraphs that use material in evidence in the next sentence. Throughout the Summer League, we observed many highlight reel dunks and layups that dropped our jaws. Nick also has the ability to shoot the jumper from anywhere on the court, but he needs to improve on his shot selection if he wants to be a smarter and conservative player in the NBA. His shooting range extends behind the 3 point line, but the unnecessary angled and off balance shots have caused him to shoot only 18% from the 3 in Summer League. Nick has expressed poorly worded he was looking forward to driving into the paint a lot more, but the biggest transition from college to the NBA are not grammatical the bigger, stronger bodies he’ll have to go through. Many times he would test the front court, but end up turning the ball over or not getting the shot up. His decision making is one of the biggest flaws in his game. He has a team high of 16 turnovers, but he’s still trying to adjust to the speed of the NBA game. Nick’s defense needs some work and that’s not a good sign being on a team lacking defense. If he wants to make his start, he needs to improve on his defensive stance. If he wants to become a better player, he needs to learn to be patient with the ball, work it around and let the opportunities present themselves – it’s not going to help by forcing the issue resulting in mistakes. Lastly is his composure and attitude towards his game not grammatical. It is great to see a lot of passion after successful plays, but he’ll easily be frustrated after every bad play. show us that He shouldn’t be fussing over things like a missed shot, or even a foul. maybe have the voice of somebody with expertise telling us that

    YHS, etc
  6. Will637

    Will637 New Member

    Thanks for the help.
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