Warning: My post is all about grief, really, my grief and is sad as hell

Among my many reactions to this thread is about its power as a reminder to check in on someone who lost somebody a month ago, three months, six months ago. Delayed grief has a time-release element, and people move through the stages at their own pace.

Long after people stop sending flowers and meals following a death, those closest to the deceased become more alone with their grief -- and their growing realization that it hasn't gone away.

Call someone like that. They might just answer.

 

Great point, Johnny. For the past week I've been planning to call a friend whose son committed suicide last September. I've called every few months, just to check in, to talk -- about normal things but also about his son -- and also met up with him when I was home in June. But I haven't called since and just heard from my dad, who regularly golfs with Ron, that he's really struggling again. Again not sleeping, horrific nightmares, crushing regret. The family received amazing support after the death but that drifts away over time. The pain remains. Gonna call tonight, I think.

And Amy, I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said by others but people are definitely thinking about you.

 

Amy:

I just came across this thread -- I don't hang out much on the Anything Goes board -- and I just wanted to add my voice to all the words of support here. I'm not as eloquent in this area as many here and I don't have a relevant personal story to share, but I do want you to know that I am among the many here who are rooting for you and praying for you and will do anything we can to help you get through this.

I remember an earlier post of yours in which you worried that some might take your humorous and light-hearted posts here the wrong way and you explained them by saying, "I can't live without laughing."

Try to remember that and find something every day -- even if it's just one thing for one short moment -- to make you laugh.

 

I'm positive that if Craig and I had talked about it he would have said exactly that. He would be horrified to think I could feel this badly.

WriteThinking talked a little about a belief in an afterlife. I'm Jewish. What happens after death isn't an important part of our religious dogma, at least that's what I got out of my years of religious school.

I asked this question on a board that started as a horse/riding board. I expected a lot of "oh yes, we'll meet our animals who have crossed the rainbow bridge" crap but was surprised (and relieved) to receive none. Some believe in a heaven and guardian angels. Some believe in reincarnation or at least that there's an energy force that stays in this world. A few were like me - wishing they could believe but don't. I have friends who strongly believe they can communicate with the dead.

Do you have a concept of an afterlife? If yes, what is it? Is it based in religious beliefs? Personal experiences? Something you've read? Something you developed on your own?

 

I've found that people really step up when needed. When you're ready for them to, they will step up for you. Just like the folks on this board.

Try to answer the phone, even when you may not want to. You don't have to stay on the line a minute more than you have to.

 

My parents were deeply religious. They took me weekly to Sunday school and church, made me go with them to events and handed me a Bible as soon as I could read. They weren't forcing it on me as much as teaching me what they felt passionate about. Those values were of utmost importance to them, so they wanted me to be aware of them, as well. I don't think my push toward acerbic Atheism came as an act of rebellion, though some psychiatrists undoubtedly would. I'm a hard-boiled cynic, and I think that has greatly helped me in my career, occasionally hurt me in personal relationships and resolutely pushed me away from religion.

So I don't believe in anything. I think things, things like how souls and the Christian concept of the afterlife don't make much logical sense. But there's an afterlife that is very real, one that I think we hold on to as we lose those we love. And I'm about to get knee deep here, be it in worthwhile philosophy or hack bullshit, but fuck it ...

We're limited, mortal. I've been close to people who have died at ages 87, 68, 64, 52, 24 and 14. It's funny how easily I rattled those off. You never really forget those kinds of numbers, I guess. Craig Stanke, he had 56 years on Earth. But the value of a life extends based on what a person did in that span and even what a person didn't do or completely uncontrollable circumstances.

I remember hearing a story, when I was growing up, about a boy who watched a man die choke and die at a restaurant. The boy grew up and became an emergency room doctor because he spent his whole life remembering the look on that man's face. He wanted to save that stranger. That story may not be factual, but I think there's a degree of truth to it.

We shared a lot of stories about SF_Express and Craig Stanke and the various capacities in which we knew him, through this board and through this industry and through total happenstance, in the thread that brought you here. There are bits of advise he gave me, directly or indirectly, that I carry to work every day. I can't post on a Journalism topics only thread without thinking of him. That Kip Litton story, I'd loved to hear his insights. But you, you knew him better, he knew you better. And I think you've shown some of the same sensibilities even as your own personality has shined on this board. So I'm sure he's with you, sure he'll never totally leave you unless you let him.

So afterlife, well, we'll find out when we get there, maybe. But that's not what should be important here and now. You can't think about reuniting with loved ones when they've never really left you.

 

My spiritual beliefs are Christian in nature. But they are a result not simply of the fact that the Bible tells me so with regard to an afterlife, but also, more importantly, some personal experiences that I've had in recent years that, for me, lent very real credence to and confidence in a higher God.

As Versatile posted, it is not totally logical. No spiritual beliefs of any persuasion are, because we can't know, with 100 percent certainty, what happens after death until we die. At least some of people's beliefs/thoughts have to be based on faith and trust.

That said, I have confidence because, yes, I'll admit it: I seek God and talk to Him all the time, almost every day, in concerted efforts to hear from and listen to Him. And I believe that it happens. Often, there is an actual physical manifestion that I feel inside that I've come to associate with when it is occurring. It happens frequently, and I have learned to recognize it and to not ignore it.

While I do make conscious time for my spiritual life now, and have done so for the past two or three years, this is a relatively recent development born of the most difficult period of my life. Over a year-or-so long span in 2007-2008, I went through an involuntary separation from a job I loved at a major metro, the death of my dad, and a major weight-loss and lifestyle change that all occurred in that time span.

As I mentioned in the thread regarding Craig Stanke's death, there was a lengthy, difficult, painful and ultimately unsuccessful job search that occurred during and long after that period and it included a period of almost three years of unemployment or only sporadic work in a series of freelance, temporary, short-term and/or unrelated jobs.

I nearly lost my home, only keeping it when I moved out of it and rented it out. Now, I still live with family, I still have no cell phone, I drive a 12-year-old car and I work in a job that pays half of what I used to make.

By material standards, I "have" less than I've ever had in my adult life -- but, ironically, I am happier, healthier and more content than I think I've ever been.

Much of that, I know, is due to a couple of particularly vivid spiritual experiences I had while in the midst of the dark times -- one while sitting, alone, dejected, and wondering about my future as I stared at the ceiling of a hotel room 2,000 miles from home after yet another failed job interview in November of 2010, and the other occurred within a week after I'd returned from that trip.

Both times, I firmly believe, I heard -- actually heard, in a physical voice that made me sit up, take note and look around for someone else -- the words of somebody else, speaking to me, reassuring me, comforting me, and encouraging me to trust in the fact that there is a guiding force in my life and assuring me that I was going to be OK.

I would post the exact words I heard here -- I know them, and wrote them, and about them, to my church pastor -- but I figure I probably sound enough like I've gone off the deep end as it is, and I'd like to keep some things to myself. Suffice to say that my pastor read about and listened to what I experienced and actually choked up, saying that many people wait and wish their whole lives to have such experiences. Indeed, when I told my sister -- also a deeply spiritual person -- about it, she, too, sounded jealous as she looked at me in awe, saying, plaintively, longingly, "That's never happened to me..."

Anyway, while my experiences and my ongoing relationship with my God has done nothing to prove that there is an actual afterlife -- I've not had any near-death, or back-from-the-dead experiences -- it has made me more open to and confident about the idea that there is one and has solidified my faith in a way that simple learning or previous knowledge of the Bible or any religion never could have done.

 

Some great thoughts and advice on this thread. I would also encourage you to see a counselor or therapist and stick with it for a while. They are the professionals and can really help you work through your grief. Also, try to return some of those messages. It can help to talk to people who know and love you, too. Thoughts and prayers with you and hugs, too!