Want a good student? Stop praising your kid, don't tell them they're smart

I agree that blindly praising skill is wrong; our mantra with our two kids is "did you put your best effort out there?"

When I took the bar exam, I did not focus on passing but rather "when I walk out am will I feel like I did my best?" I figured, results would sort themselves out (I've got the talent); effort was key.

 

qtlaw and Mizzou hit on something that most adults seem to understand, but that most kids don't: That the act of competing and giving it your all has value even if you don't win.

My kid's only 4, so I don't expect him to totally realize this yet, but I try to work on it. When he loses even in little games that we play, I patiently explain to him something like, "Even Paul Konerko strikes out sometimes."

But I remember what it was like. I remember "accidentally" pressing the "restart" button when I started losing to my dad in Pac-Man or Video Pinball.

 

I want my son to be like Captain Kirk: "I don't believe in no-win scenarios."

 

My oldest son is super competitive. He wants to be the smartest in his class, the best player on his football team and he works really hard at it. He has a grit to him that makes me very happy. We don't have to push him much at all. He's already memorized all the states, is working on the state capitals and wants to memorize all of the countries in the world. I told him, "That's about 200." and he said, "I can do that."

Whether he can or can't, I love the attitude.

My youngest is the polar opposite. He does well in school, but has to be pushed to do anything. We try not to compare him to his brother, but that can be tough. He wants to do the same things as his older brother, but he doesn't want to put forth the same type of effort.

 

Pure ignorance.

Pure laziness; cannot think of anything intelligent, pull out racial stereotype.