Twas The Night Before Christmas (Politically Correct version)

another one I got via e-mail 11 years ago. Not as funny as the others, but I'll post it anyway..

> 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a
> world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to
> "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor
> conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
>
> Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the
> wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite
> clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and
> Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know
> that looked stupid!
>
> The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed
> dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops
> When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke
> from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit
> was called "Unenlightened."
>
> And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was
> suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in
> front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
>
> So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said
> she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a
> whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
>
> And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice
> could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
> Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
>
> Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, Nothing to
> shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls,
> or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing
> that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
>
> No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed
> to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like
> Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those
> psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
>
> No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing
> sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be
> passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
>
> So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not
> figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But
> you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite
> empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
>
> Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without
> angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no
> indecision, Each group of people, every religion;
> Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you.
>
> So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... May you and your loved
> ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
>