Things I Learned in 5,000 Posts

Whoever "they" are, "they" say you take something from every experience you encounter. And truth be told, I can't remember what brought me to this sandbox during the fall of 2003 -- a full 15 months after my 17-year sports writing career was unceremoniously cut short.

But whatever "it" was, I found a place that rivals a Byzantine court for intrigue at times, a place that gives a day-care center or lunchtime at a middle school a run for its money at times, and a place that rivals the Algonquin Round Table for its sheer wit and brutal intellect at times.

And, best of all, I found a place that rivals the best support group or most rigid military code. A place that no matter the intrigue, immaturity or inanity, there is always someone -- or many someones -- who is there to pick up a mentally or physically fallen comrade. Nobody here gets left behind.

It didn't take me 5,000 posts to learn this. Nor did it take me 5,000 posts to learn the following.

-- I learned that BYH is the reincarnation of Lane Frost.
-- I learned that "douchenozzle" and "assclown" may not be in the OED. But they should be.
-- I learned that Bob Cook may be the most underrated poster in the sandbox.
-- I learned that few people can break down an issue better than Bubbler, who keeps getting blown off for Poster of the Year despite my PR campaign.
-- I learned that Zeke is the smartest poster on this board. Yeah, I may be a Jeopardy and Win Ben Stein's Money champion, but that is equivalent to a big back of dick here. I have a club of writers who belong to the Never Read A Bad Story With Their Byline Club (Jones, Sirak, Hawkins, Whicker are members, among others). Well, Zeke's the charter member of the Never Posted A Dumb or Unreadable Post Or Thread Club.
-- I learned that Moddy and Gutter have the patience of Job to deal with the escapades and shenanigans here. That they still manage to actually, you know, work full time at a real job is a feat akin to getting hired at the New York Times out of college.
-- I learned that Slappy and Dooley are the Martin and Lewis of SportsJournalists.com Nation. Fight over which is which, guys. Fenian will come back and bring the popcorn.
-- And speaking of Dooley, I learned that at the pace I'm going, it will take me 30 years to reach 30,000 posts. By then, Dooley will be pushing 150,000 posts from the Home for Decrepit And Senile Sports Writers. A Nurse Ratched who hasn't been born yet -- but bears an amazing physical resemblance to IJAG -- will give Dools his meds and take away his computer, ending a remarkable run.
-- Which brings me to IJAG. I learned amid all the craziness around here that she is a island of sanity. I also learned it's best not to wind up pushing the wrong button with her. Can you spell "e-m-a-s-c-u-l-a-t-i-o-n"? Fully deserved, at that.
-- I learned that ScribePharisee and his other Sybil-esque incarnations is the most masochistic poster in the annals of the sandbox. His ability to soak up abuse is rivaled only by the gross inconsistency found in the sense levels of his posts.
-- I learned that virtually everyone here has some kind of flaw, which makes the sandbox what it is. Beaker? Great guy who is a Tottenham Spurs fan. BYH? Ditto, save for his unholy and unhealthy fetish for the abomination that is Night Ranger. Ragu, Poin? Two of the smartest economists here, despite their libertarian, free-market uber alles tendencies. Bubbler? See above, save for his unnatural character flaw of hating Rush.
-- I learned that like contract law, that rule has more than a few exceptions: See Mills 51, Sam; for Concern, Claws; Town, Forever; Weaver, Buck; Bags Full, Three; Hecht, Ben (a.k.a Breaker of Leopold and Loeb); Hack, GB; Allen, Alley; Wretch, Inky and High, Mile, among others I'm unfortunately forgetting.
-- I learned that Poindexter missed his calling. It's a book publisher on Line 2, Poin. He wants that History of Teacher Sex opus by September. Get on it.
-- I learned that SportsJournalists.com Nation needs to mobilize with the torches and pitchforks until Jann Wenner and his condom-toting, mouth-breathing stooges finally do the right thing and put Rush in the RRHOF -- if for no other reason than to end one of the recurring threads in the sandbox.
-- I learned that BuckWeaver and Gold know more about the history of baseball than I do. This is an unsettling fact to someone with a huge baseball library and a mind that retains useless facts.
-- I learned you can catch "Teh Gay;" that Tebow is SouthernSpeak for "Third Coming;" that Smiling Bob was the funniest avatar in the history of the sandbox; that Bob Jelenic is Slavic for "Satan;" that if Mizzou hasn't heard of you, you have no future as a sports writer; that Starman Justice would make Torquemada, Stalin, Idi Amin and the Marquis de Sade blush; that TrooperBari has more stones than most of us here and that I need to pay attention to him, Inks, Webster, GB Hack, Twoback, Pastor and deskslave if I want to shake my arriviste soccer label.
-- And I learned that Pastor has a liver that will end up in a medical lab someday, alongside Keith Richards' and Jerry Lee Lewis'. There, pimply-faced medical students who bear no resemblance to the interns on "Scrubs" will look at it in awe and wonder how Richards and Lewis could keep up.

Yeah, the lessons never stop coming around here... Hopefully neither do the stories.

 

Bless you, Bird.

 

Rookie.




















Awesome post by an awesome guy, and you're far too kind in your assessment of me. Now sit your ass down and enjoy the full member initiation concert by...........NIGHT RANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dooley's (right) like me? Ain't that a kick in the head...



And you forget D**P***'s everlasting gift to SportsJournalists.com... the word "fucktard"

 

I now have this image of Slappy yelling "LAAAAADY, HEY LADY!"

Thanks for the kind words, Bird. But as several (well, IJAG) will tell you, I'm flawed by my Steeler fanboi looserdom.

 

Dooley. Not Slappy. Dooley.

 

I spent four years in Newfoundland and I genuflect in Pastor's presence.

The boy can pound beer.

 

Well stated Birdscribe. Oh and Rush sucks!

 

Bravo, Bird!

;D

 

You are the only person on this planet who has ever typed those words in that order with no dissenting opinion interjected. Congratulations!

Great post. And we're lucky to have you in our litte...I mean sandbox.

 

You introduced me to Buttery Nipples. I've only had once since NYC, but I remember it like it was yesterday.