They say that breaking up is hard to do.....

I got divorced by text message.

 

sry dvrc. C U ltr.

 

Magnificent.

 

Did they at least spell divorce right? That's rough.

 

Im tkn hlf

 

Well done, the both of yous. I'm literally L'ingOL.

 

She did spell it correctly and she didn't use text message speak, which was good because that might have annoyed me more than the divorce.

 

Is it true what they say? Was it expensive because it was worth it?

 

It was worth it and it wasn't that expensive because I didn't get a lawyer.

 

I had a doozy of a breakup when I was a junior in high school.

I'd fallen madly for the mysterious new girl in town. She could seemingly do it all--sing, write, organize, fuck like mad--and we got kicked out of some geek's house for making out on his bed. He was so distraught he shot himself in the gut later that night. We were so cool.

But I started to sense she might not be as wonderful as I first thought when she spiked my drink at an underground club. I was a mess, I had a brutal hangover the next day and my car--the same one I cracked up driving drunk a year earlier--got vandalized.

I tried breaking up with her but she just didn't get the hint. I thought the last straw was when she showed up at my house to paint the homecoming float with me and my buddies wearing my precious 1987 Twins jersey. I said that's it bitch, drag your ass, you're not besmirching my Dan Gladden uni with specks of paint.

Turns out that was just the beginning. We found her in the driveway a couple nights later with an empty can of gasoline and a lighter. Bitch was too crazy to even finish the job.

She got sent away to the loonie bin. A year later, I inexplicably decided to drive to San Francisco to see her. I did the baked chicken with her for Thanksgiving and then she moved overseas. And speaking of fire, a year later, she came home for a visit and I was making out with her when my new girlfriend nearly got burnt to a crisp in a frat house.

Man. Those were the days.

 

I broke up with a girl and followed it up by saying, "Questions, comments, concerns?"