The story

Story deleted upon request.

 

Five commas in the second sentence. That's a lot. Read that out loud to yourself and you'll see what I mean.

You've also got a lot of passive sentences in the first half of the story. Try more active sentences starting with subject-verb agreements.

 

I didn't write this ... a few of us have become less than enamored at the writing of this publication ... one among our group is using it in presentations about sports writing. Specifically, how not to write.

 

OK

 

Dude, post stuff you wrote. That's pretty shitty posting someone else's work. That's not the reason behind this board...