The owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates

... was not considered a replacement for Bon Scott after the AC/DC frontman died on this day in 1980 (although he still sings AC/DC songs in the mirror using a hairbrush as a microphone)

 

...gets stirrings when he sees the infamous Care Bear pic.

 

...was once so scared by an episode of Rod Serling's Night Gallery that he shit his pants

 

... should sell to the rich Jewish kid from Mt. Lebanon.

 

... owns a copy of the 70's retro-porn Hairy Potter

 

...was identified as a "size queen" in blist.com.

 

once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

 

... has secret plans to invade Poland

 

...thinks Phil Collins would be an A1 obit.[/tookthislong?]

 

... longs to be an expert swordsman like Brian Cashman

 

...has no idea who Jason Thompson, Cecilio Guante and Sammy Khalifa are.

 

... is not really a pirate.