The dumbest thing you ever heard

and the right one?

 

Doctor Kenneth Noisewater

 

i'm a lawyer so i've heard a lot of dumb shit at depositons and in court. the dumbest was when a juror interrupted one of my trials because he had to talk to the judge about something important. so the judge cleared the rest of the jury out of the court room and let the guy have his say. he spent 10 minutes yammering to the judge. it literally took me about two or three minutes into his soliloquy before i could figure out what the fuck he was talking about. turns out he was trying to convey that he liked this particular judge more than the judge who was presiding over a lawsuit in which he was involved and wanted to know if he could switch from his judge to this judge. 'um, no, sorry, the system doesn't work that way,' she said, and immediately told the bailiff to get the rest of the jury back in here so we could move on with the trial.

 

Heaven and Hell

 

"DE-fense" -- yelled by a volleyball dad just before his daughter's team received a serve at the regional match.

 

"Jeff Fisher is a better coach than Tony Dungy......"

 

I might be making the topic stray but ... the concept of "defense" in volleyball. Since either side can score at any time, aren't both teams always on offense?

 

Only if you apply the same logic to football.

 

I worked at a Sam's Club during college.

One day, I was driving a forklift thru the warehouse with one guy wearing an orange safety vest walking in front of me and one behind me.

I, myself, was wearing a Sam's Club t-shirt, an orange safety vest, a nametag and a Sam's club cap. I was blowing the horn twice every time I passed an aisle.

One Sunday, a woman jumped out in front of the forklift. I slammed on he brakes. She asked, "do you work here?"

"No, you dumbass hillbilly, my senior scooter's in the shop and this was the only loaner they had. Now get your bedazzled christmas sleigh bell sweatshirt and XL-sweatpants wearing ass out of my way. I have to pull down a pallet of TreeTop apple juice."

 

Astonished Fox News anchor: Japan actually moved 10 feet!

Me: Yeah, dumbass, it's called plate tectonics. We learned about it in the 9th grade.

 

95 percent of the time it's uttered, "do you work here?" is an extremely stupid question.

For me, it was when I was working in a grocery store, wearing dress slacks, dress shirt and clip-on bow tie on a day when it was 105 degrees outside. Oh, and I also had on a name tag and apron, and was holding a broom and dustpan.

 

McGruber, The Movie