The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

1. SEC basketball coach, drinking what smells like very cheap beer out of an emptied-out Sprite can after a game, standing on-court, about one of his players who was a do-gooder in the community, "He's a fucking saint."

2. HS baseball coach, team expected to do well but underperforming, commits about 5 errors in a game (3 at one particular position). I just wanted to get a couple quotes and get out of there, so I asked sort of generically, "So coach, what's been the big problem for you guys here early in the year?" Coach responds, "Have you seen how shitty my second baseman is?"

 

College coach had surgery in the offseason, so I asked if he was feeling alright as the year got ready to begin. Answer: "I'm laying more pipe than the Chicago Plumbers Union". Took that as a yes.

 

College hoop coach, on why he made a lineup change with a defensively challenged player who led the team in scoring: "I had to start X 'cause Y couldn't guard anybody in a fuckin' phone booth."

One high school coach watch his starting point guard dribble the ball off her leg in a game they were trailing by 10 in the second quarter. He looks at me and says, "You wanna coach this team? God almighty..."

Another high school coach, when asked about a team shooting percentage in the 30s: "Ain't the shootin' that's been a problem. It's the makin'."

 

I'd say you have to run that quote. Seriously. That's news.

 

We covered a local high school coach at one paper I was at who had won four state titles at another school nearly 15 years earlier. He was always good from a great quote. Among the gems:

Likening some fans of the rival school in the neighboring county as being a lot like 'white christian nazis'

"The new school superintendent has been in town less than two months, and apparently, he already knows more about football than I do. I’ve got four state championships, and he knows more than I do."

"We're 1-5, but we're a much-improved 1-5."

Had another area coach that during a diatribe referred to his football players as dipshits and pussies.

 

Why couldn't you run that last one? Sounds like a great quote.

 

I'm tempted to start another thread with this one, because it's interesting to me.

If it had been a baseball coach talking about one of his guys, would you have run it?
If you are willing to write about the conditioning of a male athlete, shouldn't you also write about the conditioning of a female athlete? Hey, sometimes equality means putting up with the same shit as the guys, too.

 

I totally agree. I mean, why aren't female athlete's weights listed?

 

They often are listed. They're just not accurate. ;D

This is one of the funniest threads ever. Good for lots of shits (courtesy of the CFL governor and the second baseman) and giggles.

 

A couple of gems. . .

Women's basketball coach after a tough loss. "On the record, we hope to build from this experience and move on. Off the record, this one is going to sit and fucking fester in my gut for a long time."

Basketball coach to wannabe star player: "Son, you have a Division I body and an NAIA brain."

 

Yeah, some of the people posting here are missing the point. It's about quotes you can't use, not just good lines. Like the much-improved 1-5 quote. Sure, you can use that.

That said, I'll put up a couple of ones I liked that did get used. So sue me.

Hugh Durham, after one his players was torched for 30-something points by the opponent he was supposed to be guarding, commenting on said player's defense: ``He got there just in time to say `Nice shot.' ''

And Vince Dooley once actually said this: ``Tulane may be the finest winless team in the history of college football.''

 

An old-school major-college basketball coach assessing his team before the season: "My team's like a three-inch dick -- OK at home, but take it on the road and no one's impressed."

A major-college football coach after his team had been train-wrecked in a game so bad that when he came out to meet us afterward, nobody could come up with an ice-breaking opening question for a moment. Finally, a kid from the student paper stammers, Coach, your players showed a lot of emotion today. Coach responds: "There was a lot of emotion at the fucking Alamo, and there weren't any survivors there, either." I dropped the "fucking" and ran the quote.