The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

The coach I cover once was running through a list of injuries.

A freshman wideout was walking on crutches.

"What happened to him?"
"Well. <pause> He broke his dick."
Broke it?
"Yea."
There's no bone in there.
"Really?"

 

Covered a prep football team this year.
Team went 1-9 in 05, coach resigned.
New coach comes in....team goes 1-9 in 06 and struggles worse than 05.

I double as with a pre-game show radio gig with the new coach and off the air late in the year, he offers this quip in his office with just he and myself: "You know, coming into a new program, first year, its kinda like unprotected sex. You're feeling everything out and you dont know whats going to happen and its not safe for all involved." as he proceeds to tell me "That better not wind up in the paper."

Fast forward two days later to the post-game radio show which tapes on Saturdays.
Team just lost their last game of the season 45-8 to a state-semifinalist and coach says:
"You know, coming into a new program, first year, its kinda like (as I burst into uncontrolable laughter) walking a tight rope without a harness. You never know whats going to happen and its not safe."

As we shared a laugh about this in the studio.....everyone looked at us like we were idiots.

 

Oh I laughed my ass off. We still talk about it to this day

 

A few of my favorites from interviews with coaches/players:

"This kid comes up bitching about playing time. Playing time? Are you fucking kidding me? I have a football team of 12 players. Thank God for this place because there's absolutely no way he'd play anywhere else. Playing time?"

High School golfer who won the state championship... "I don't know what it is about me, but I find a way to put my balls in small holes." I fell over laughing while he looked at me like I was crazy.

Basketball player had 12 steals in a game. Coach's quote after the contest, "Yeah such and such is good with those steals. Damn shame we might have him the rest of the year because he thinks he has to steal both on and off the court."

Team comprised of mostly black kids is playing an all-white team.
one assistant coach says, "Hey, let's take a survey of the number of Beamers and Lexus in the parking lot."
another assistant looks off in the distance and sees of one their kids trying to get into one.."It looks like (joe blow) is already doing that and he likes that one."

team beats a school for the deaf and blind. head coach after the game, "Well, that was like taking candy from a baby. I mean, they couldn't see you coming."

baseball coach wins state championship game and says, "Shy of getting a divorce, this is the happiest I have been."

 

I'm doing a story on a volleyball player who is about to break the school record for kills in a season. Interview her before a home match, then tell her I need a photo to go along with the story.
"Good," she said, "but wait until the match starts and i get a little sweaty first, because the boys at school tell me they'd love to see me when I'm wet."

 

On the next edition of "Girls Gone Wild" ....