The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

My apologies if somebody has already done this thread.

Anyway...

There's a local HS football coach who hasn't won a game in ages. So, I'm talking with another coach about him. Among other things, the coach tells me, "Jeez, have you seen the man's wife? How can you think about coaching football when you've got that to go home to. The hell with football. I'd have two jobs: teaching history and nailin' my wfie."

At this point, he's laughing at his own words and follows up with, "Maybe I'd teach the history of nailin' my wife!"


I wish I could use them.

What are some of yours?

 

One of my co-workers was once talking to a coach about the opening of a new football stadium.

"So, are you going to do anything special like break a bottle of champagne on the stadium?"

"Hell, son, around here we'd have to break a bong on it because nobody drinks champagne but a lot of them smoke dope."

 

A buddy of mine who posts on here from time to time has the best one....I'll let him put it up. Here's the second best one -- from the same high school coach.
This guy had a great quarterback and all-around athlete, but the kid was pretty dumb (rumor was he scored a 9 on the ACT first time he took it). Even though he was as dumb as a post, a couple of SEC schools were recruiting him. Guy asks the coach about Johnny Football's visit to one SEC school. "Yeah, he went up there last weekend and they got his mind all mixed up about going there. Course it doesn't take much to get his mind mixed up."

 

To be precise, you not only could use those quotes, you just did.

 

Offensive lineman from a local school gets recruited to play at a Division I-A program, to pretty much everybody's surprise. One of my co-workers asks him how the kid is doing there that September.

"Him? He quit already."

"So, where is he now?"

"Fucking K-Mart"

That coach was a crotchety, moody, old-school pain in the ass and he was once so rude to me after a loss that his wife approached me and apologized, but I still like the guy for that conversation alone.

 

Softball coach of one of the state's best 1A programs. They're moving toward first fastpitch state title after winning several in slowpitch.
Talking about other team laughing after the loss a few minutes before:
"That's what makes our kids so special. These girls really care about the game. They come out here every day and work hard and play with the passion of a champion.
"Look at those girls, running off the field giggling and playing grab-ass. You'll never see our girls doing that. If we lose, they'll be crying so hard that we'll have to drag them off the field."

Great, coach, but grab-ass?

 

High-school center dunks in front of an official during warm-ups, which is an automatic technical foul in Indiana.

Coach: "Well, we're down 2-0 already, and they get the ball first."

Asst. coach: "Why?"

Coach: "Because Johnson's a fucking idiot."

 

An area high school basketball coach, my first week on the job. His team loses by 2 when it had lead by 6 with a minute to go.

Me: "Coach, what was the difference down the stretch that allowed School X to come back?"
Coach: "They have good players. I don't."

 

Hub Kittle was an old-time, crusty baseball guy with a great sense of humour. When he was managing in a rookie league, his relief pitchers got shelled and gave up a huge lead. A co-worker went up to Kittle and said, "Gee, I guess your relievers were not very effective."
Kittle: "They were as effective as a dry c*nt."

 

You should have used that.

 

Not my quote, but a quote often passed around the newsoom of the Columbia Daily Tribune back in the day, say, oh, about 1982 or 83.
After yet another demoralizing Missouri loss, former Tribune beat writer/sports editor Jeff Krupsaw asked defensive tackle Daryl Darling about his reaction to the game, to which Darling responded, with genuine frustration, "Damn! I feel like an asshole!"
Perfect quote to describe the downfall of Mizzou football, but they weren't allowed to run it.

 

Sirs, Madames,

Please don't think of this as approval. It's not. But if you want an idea of racism in hockey, I asked a scout (at work for the Canadian program, not a NHL team) what he thought of a bad game.

"Like two niggers fishing," he said.

I'd have never got it in the paper without it on tape. Fucker.

YHS, etc