Teenagers who write badly, like bad teenage writers

Friend of mine sends me these on occasion. They're pretty funny.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room- temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

Your friend's a teacher, right? I got that same e-mail from two of my teacher friends last year. Still funny, though.

 

We've had something like this posted once before ... and just like last time, I think some of these could work, in the right context and right genre.

For instance:

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

 

Both of my parents are English teachers, and my dad has a book where he writes down each ridiculous line he reads from his students' papers. Some pretty funny stuff.

 

Actually, my friend is a copy editor, but I believe she has a friend who is a teacher.

 

Wait, is this real? Because it is AMAZING!!!!

 

I'm from a long line of teachers and, getting my education from a school known for its education, many of my friends went into that field. I hear all these lines and more -- some worse -- every day. The American youth is a lovely thing.

 

This has been on here a couple of times but the vocabulary one never gets old.

This one gets an honorable mention as well:

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

Are you sure you didn't pull these analogies from the SportsJournalists.com Summer Novel?

 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.

This sounds like something Douglas Adams would have written. When describing the Vogon fleet in the beginning of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he described the enemy ships as "hanging in the sky in very much the same way a brick doesn't."

I thought that was a great description.

 

I have a problem with believing all of these nuggets are genuine.

 

I love the garbage truck backing up bit.