Snakes on the bed!

So my wife comes home last night and tells me she has a story I won't believe.

One of her co-workers has a friend with a pet snake. Can't remember if it's a python or a boa constrictor but it's one of those huge ass snakes that eats live animals, which will become an important point to remember as I retell this story.

The co-worker's friend had been letting the snake sleep in the same bed with her for some reason.

Yes, that's creepy as hell. And pretty fucking stupid as it turns out.

Well recently the woman noticed that her snake had stopped eating and she couldn't figure out why. She also noticed that it no longer slept coiled up in ball on the bed. Instead it was now sleeping completely stretched out on the bed.

The woman called a vet and asked him what to do.

He said "bring it in immediately, we need to put it to sleep."

She asked why.

"Because it stopped eating to starve itself for a big meal. It's stretching itself out next to you at night to measure you before he tries to eat you."

She doesn't have the snake anymore.

 

Wow ... now that's fucking creepy. And I like snakes.

 

Either that's a creepy lie or one of the scariest fucking things ever. Jesus.

 

When I went to Thailand a few years ago, my friends and I decided to take a three-day trip into the jungle. When we arrived at a national park, we decided to spend the night in these tree huts they had at the entrance before going into the jungle the next day.

During the middle of the night, my friend Jim woke up screaming and saying a snake had crawled on him. We searched all over the hut and found nothing. We told him he was nuts and went back to sleep.

In the morning, I opened the door to step out and coiled up right there was a badass-looking snake staring straight at me. I don't think it was poisonous because it had a bright red head (usually that means they want to look poisonous, but actually aren't), but I quickly closed the door. I looked down and saw a gap to the side of the door where it very likely could have slipped in and out of.

When I told Jim, he promptly gave us the "I told you so," routine. He also then got even more freaked out.

That was the last snake we saw ... until we passed a King Cobra in the jungle.

 

OK, your wife's friend lied.

http://www.snopes.com/critters/snakes/measured.asp

 

Dude, that's nuts.

 

That damn snopes. Always kills the coolest stories.

 

"I'm tired of these mother#*@&$% snakes on the mother#*@&$% bed!!

 

So AQB, why is your wife's friend lying?

 

Snopes says you don't have a wife.

 

Damn. Beat me too it. And I just read the style guide and everything.

 

This made me laugh really hard.