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Small news post on a recruit

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by earlyentry, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    Hey guys,

    This is a short recruiting update for a team site at 247Sports.com. There are no quotes and it was unpublished, but I would like feedback on my writing.

    I graduated back in 2006, and tried to become a sportswriter but it didn't pan out for one reason or another, but I like to cover recruiting as a hobby and maybe one day a paying one.

    Here it is.

    2015 Concord First Assembly (NC) guard Charles Minlend Jr. will visit Rutgers this weekend, his first official of the spring period.

    Minlend Jr. will join 2015 Dr. Phillips (FL) small forward Jonathan Laurent on campus in an important weekend for Rutgers Coach Eddie Jordan. Four prominent 247Sports recruiting analysts have predicted Rutgers as the program to beat.

    The 6-foot-4 senior averaged more than 25 points per game and was first-team all-state at Concord, where he led the team to its first boys basketball state championship. He scored 33 points with six steals in the semifinals against Fayetteville Village Christian (NC).

    A big-time scorer with a long wingspan, Minlend Jr. turned 17 in December and is young for his class. Scouts believe he could grow another inch or two, but not quite as tall as Charles Minlend Sr, his father and a 6-foot-8 St. John’s standout during the 1990s.

    Minlend Jr. also is a serious student in the classroom, scoring grades as well as he scores baskets. He finished school with a 4.4 GPA and has offers from the Ivy League (Yale) to the Big Ten (Rutgers) and schools in between (Wofford, Toledo and Charlotte).
  2. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    How about this one:

    Rutgers coach Eddie Jordan and assistant Greg "Shoes" Vetrone travelled to Kansas for the NJCAA National Championship March 18-19 with their eyes set on Hutchinson Community College forward John Doe.

    With a bevy of high-major programs in attendance, the 6-foot-7 Rocky Mount Prep (NC) grad averaged 23 points and 11.5 rebounds in two games before a loss to Georgia Highlands in the round of 8.

    Jawann Baker, John Doe's former AAU coach and family mentor, told me last night that Doe will name his final schools on Monday.

    The Scarlet Knights will have at least one scholarship available and Shoes Vetrone has made Doe a priority since November. A JUCO All-American candidate and Region 6 Tournament MVP, Doe is a natural fit to replace Kadeem Jack in next year’s frontcourt. His commitment will give Eddie Jordan another signature recruit alongside Florida guard Corey Sanders in the Class of 2015.

    Doe, who has two years of eligibility remaining beginning next season, averaged 19 points and 9.5 rebounds per game on 54 percent shooting in 2014-15. While it’s difficult to project those numbers to the Big Ten conference, Doe is more experienced and polished than most available high school seniors.

    While the NJCAA tournament was going on in Hutchinson, Zach Braziller of the New York Post tweeted, “If (Doe) is loyal he’s going to Rutgers. No doubt. (Rutgers has) by far put in the most work.”

    But, he cautioned: “If a big boy jumps in, who knows.”

    According to Braziller, Tulsa is another school in hot pursuit of Doe, with first-year coach Frank Haith extending an offer in mid-February and not letting up since.

    Other programs involved at one time or another include Wichita State, Virginia Tech, Kansas State, Arizona State, Arizona, St. John’s, Seton Hall, Oklahoma and Rhode Island.
  3. Jake_Taylor

    Jake_Taylor Well-Known Member

    That John Doe kid sounds a lot like DeShawn Freeman.
  4. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    Thanks for the feedback.
  5. franticscribe

    franticscribe Well-Known Member

    So this is a bit late and I don't know if you're still looking for feedback or not, but here's my thoughts. Your sentences are clear and easy to follow, which is a positive. But the overall structure on each is a little disjointed to me.

    My biggest criticisms though are this: In the Minlend piece its not clear where any of the information is coming from. In the Freeman piece you've got the one quote you sourced to Twitter. The lack of attribution of the information bothers me, and since you referred to doing this as a "hobby" I'm doubting that you've done any original reporting. Did you actually talk to anyone for either of these pieces? My second major gripe is that there are a number of AP Style mistakes. I don't know if 247Sports.com follows AP Style or not because I don't read that site too often, but if it does and I were your editor, I'd be annoyed with having to clean up that many style mistakes.
  6. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    It is "247Sports"

    Can you elaborate about my disjointed sentence structure? I'd love to improve those skills.

    I understand your point about attribution.
  7. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    Here's another one that I wrote over the weekend.

    Where is the love for 2016 Cardozo (N.Y.) junior Rashond Salnave?


    The perceived lack of attention irks legendary Cardozo coach Ron Naclerio, who knows more about his star guard’s abilities than anyone else. So, where’s the love?

    The 6-foot-2 Salnave, a three-star prospect, was not included in the latest Rivals150 released this week, making him the Rodney Dangerfield of basketball prospects. No respect.

    "I thought I'd get a lot more phone calls about him," Naclerio said.

    Salnave attended last April's Under Armour event as a rising junior and finished as the second-leading scorer. His star shining, Salnave was poised for a breakout summer, but a sprained knee sidelined him during an important July live recruiting period in Las Vegas.

    “From talking to college coaches who feel they have a chance to get him or would like to get involved with him, they think he’s a big-time Division 1 player," Naclerio said. "There are a lot of college coaches who believe he has a chance to be a special player.”

    The injury bug continued into November, when a sprained ankle forced Salnave to miss three weeks of his junior season. The added weight and rust contributed to a slow start.

    “He didn’t have the junior year he had hoped for,” Naclerio said. “We think so highly of Ray. If you asked me, he didn’t have the year he could have had (because of the injury).”

    Despite the setback, Salnave and Cardozo followed up a 2014 Class AA state championship with a runner-up finish to Wings Academy at Madison Square Garden in March. On the court, Salnave is known for his desire to win and unselfish play. The losses, his coach said, make him ill.

    “He’s so unselfish,” Naclerio said of Salnave, who in the ninth-grade led Cardozo to a city final. “He doesn’t care about his points. That’s one of the things people don’t realize. Ray doesn’t care - he just wants to win.”

    Through it all, Salnave is still considered one of the best players in New York City.

    Naclerio and his assistants have heard from Creighton, Rutgers, Seton Hall, Georgia Tech, Arkansas, Syracuse, Connecticut, Iona, Fordham and Cincinnati. Naclerio said new St. John’s coach Chris Mullin had not yet reached out. Villanova had visited a couple of times, but Naclerio hasn’t heard much from them since.

    “The two weekends in April and two weekends in July will be big,” Naclerio said.

    Salnave will suit up for Under Armour's Juice All-Stars (NY) this weekend, when the three shoe companies host events in New Orleans (Under Armour), Hampton (Nike) and Dallas (Adidas) from April 10-12, a live recruiting period for college coaches.

    Expect Rutgers to stay involved and give Naclerio's new iPhone 6 a good workout. Scarlet Knights assistant Greg “Shoes” Vetrone has known Naclerio for years and has attended several games, with coach Eddie Jordan and assistant Van Macon staying in touch as well.

    “Greg Vetrone loves the kid,’ Naclerio said. “He thinks he’s a special player.”

    Many programs have a feeling Salnave will chose a school close to home, but Naclerio wants his star to keep an open mind.

    “Some feel he’s not going to go that far away from home, that he’s going to stay somewhat in the Northeast. But I told him as I drove him to the airport. ‘If the right situation came - even though it was far away - the right situation is the right situation.’”
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  8. franticscribe

    franticscribe Well-Known Member

    Saying "It is 247Sports" doesn't really tell me anything.

    I don't think your sentences are disjointed in structure. I think the overall pieces are. In the Minlend piece there's no transition from one graph to the next, and some of the points expressed either don't make sense to me or are sort of in the what-does-that-tell me category. For example, in your third graph you start with a good sentence that tells me useful information. The second sentence points out he scored a lot in a particular game. Without context, I have no idea why that game is being singled out and whether that's even a notable performance. Similarly in the fifth graph you mention he's good student with a 4.4 GPA, and so that's useful. But then you connect the GPA to offers from Yale (makes sense) to Rutgers (don't need to be a genius to get in as an athlete) to Wofford, Toledo and Charlotte (does he have a pulse?) If I was your editor, I would've had you disconnect the non-Yale schools from the GPA statement.
  9. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    I thought you wanted to know what AP uses for the title '247Sports' - I misunderstood.

    247Sports is a recruiting web site owned by CBS Sports. I will work on improving AP style in my writing.
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