Sample College basketball game story - Feedback appreciated

First time poster here, great forum.

Trying to brush up/develop skills writing gamers, so I'm trying to write them even for events I may not personally cover, just to get into the flow of things once I can do that more often.

Did one of these "sample" gamers for a recent college game, wanted to get some feedback if at all possible, thanks.

Side note: This story is written from a Maryland Terrapin beat reporter perspective.

Maryland Fades Quickly in 71-44 Loss to Virginia

13-point second half dooms Terps

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA - Maryland Terrapins coach Mark Turgeon’s trademark candor was on display Saturday when trying to explain his team’s stunning second half collapse during their 71-44 loss to the Virginia Cavaliers.

"I wouldn't say we quit,” the coach mused, “I'd say we hung our heads."

Through miscue after miscue, Maryland (15-11) scored just 13 points – as a team -- in the second half against Virginia (20-6), their lowest total in a half this season. It was a performance left Turgeon without a single alibi.

"You can go down our whole list [of the roster],” Turgeon said of his team’s effort Saturday. “If you can tell me one guy who played well today, I’ll argue that you’re wrong. We were 0-for-14."

Maryland’s leading scorer, sophomore guard Terrell Stoglin, scored 14 points – all of which fittingly were in the first half. Stoglin’s performance mirrored that of the rest of his team, as Maryland’s offense was virtually absent in the game’s final twenty minutes.

And while the Terps floundered in the second half, the Cavaliers felt more than obliged to take advantage. Led by senior forward Mike Scott -- who led all scorers with 25 points -- Virginia was able to outdo Maryland 40-13 on the scoreboard during the Terps’ listless second half.

“Huge,” Cavaliers Coach Tony Bennett said. “We got some help for Mike and got back to guarding the way we can guard. I don’t know if we’ve got enough wins for the [NCAA] tournament, but this was one we absolutely had to have.”

As for Turgeon and his players, who came off of short rest from their previous game Thursday night against Boston College, they refused to blame the quick turnaround for the effort given Saturday.

Said Turgeon:"I don’t know if [the quick turnaround] would have made a difference today, because they [Virginia] were a pretty determined team."

Senior guard Sean Mosley said the short rest was “absolutely not” a reason for the Terps second half effort Saturday.

“Emotionally, I just feel like we didn’t give it our all,” Mosley continued. “For a guy who’s won a lot of games here at the University of Maryland, I know what it takes to win. I’ve been on a lot of winning teams. It’s not easy to win. It’s very hard. Once guys start to understand that, I think that will be the turning point of our season.”

The effort was so poor that with just under four minutes remaining, Turgeon pulled each and every one of his starters and replaced them with every walk-on on the roster, a move that was made to send a message.

"I’d just had enough,” Turgeon said of his decision. “Selfishness, not boxing out, not defending. I wanted to do it earlier."

And to think, this game was tied at halftime.

During the first half, with Maryland hoping to start fast on the road, it was the home team that quickly gained the lead, as Scott was doing the damage early and often. The senior from Chesapeake, Va set the tone as he accounted for ten of Virginia’s first 13 points, and 14 of their first 22.

But the Terrapins quickly fought back, taking the lead on the strength of their best scorer, sophomore guard Terrel Stoglin. Maryland went on an 11-0 run late in the first half which was keyed by Stoglin’s three straight three-pointers to give the Terps a slim 26-24 lead.

“[Stoglin] can make some unbelievable shots,” Bennett said. “The threes he made during that stretch in the first half were all guarded. We know he can do that, I’ve seen him do it on tape all year.”

After Virginia responded to Stoglin’s run by re-taking the lead late in the first half, freshman guard Nick Faust hit a three pointer to tie the game at 31 at halftime.

But that’s where the competitive phase of this contest ended, as the Cavs poured it on the Terps after the break.

“We just couldn’t get rolling in the second half as a team,” Mosley said.

Maryland’s latest loss leaves them with four games left to make a potential run at their dwindling postseason hopes, starting with Tuesday’s matchup against Miami.

"It’s where we are, guys” Turgeon said. “It’s unfortunate. Hopefully, we’ll play better on Tuesday."

 

Preface: What you're about to read probably will seem like a destruction of your story. Think of it more as a deconstruction. This wasn't bad. You have the basic setup of a game story down, you just need to refocus some things and tighten up your wording. I'm going to try to explain how you could do that.

I don't think I've done any of these without saying "you're too wordy," but you were especially wordy. Consider:

Maryland’s leading scorer, sophomore guard Terrell Stoglin, scored 14 points – all of which fittingly were in the first half. Stoglin’s performance mirrored that of the rest of his team, as Maryland’s offense was virtually absent in the game’s final twenty minutes. (42 words)

That would have been smoother as:

Terrell Stoglin led Maryland with 14 points, all in the first half. The sophomore guard mirrored his team's ineptitude in the final 20 minutes. (24 words)

The issue with the wordiness in your writing isn't a space issue or a brevity issue, either. You're clunking up the flow by opting for unnecessary clauses and over-explaining everything. Even in your quotes, you added words in brackets that weren't necessary. You definitely didn't need the "of his team's effort Saturday night" in the second quote, either.

I'll give you another example:

And while the Terps floundered in the second half, the Cavaliers felt more than obliged to take advantage. Led by senior forward Mike Scott -- who led all scorers with 25 points -- Virginia was able to outdo Maryland 40-13 on the scoreboard during the Terps’ listless second half. (49 words)

That paragraph would read more smoothly as:

And as the Terps gave them the game, the Cavaliers obliged. Senior forward Mike Scott had a game-high 25 points, and Virginia outscored Maryland 40-13 in the second half. (29 words)

Phrases such as "outdo ... on the scoreboard" are unnecessarily long. Never use four words where one would work. And you've established that Maryland was bad in the second half, so there's no reason for "the Terps' listeless."

Another example:

The effort was so poor that with just under four minutes remaining, Turgeon pulled each and every one of his starters and replaced them with every walk-on on the roster, a move that was made to send a message. (39 words)

That might have been the most egregious wordiness issue in the story. I'd have edited to be:

Turgeon pulled his starters with about four minutes remaining, inserting walk-ons to send a message. (15 words)

---------------------------

I'm putting a break in because I am done with wordiness issues, and you're probably sick of reading about them anyway.

I don't like to lead a gamer with something about the press conference, barring a rare outburst like Bruce Weber's the other night. Turgeon, as you said, is candid in most of his interviews. You chose the appropriate lead quote, but why not set it up with an image from the game. That line about the walk-ons entering would have made a great lead.

You frame the entire loss as a product of Maryland's woes, but Virginia has an elite defense that has suffocated teams all season. Some statistics about how difficult it has been to score on Virginia's defense or actual analysis of why the second-half collapse happened would have really strengthened the story. The gamer shouldn't be written based on the post-game.

You don't address any big-picture issues. How will this affect Maryland's shot at an NIT bid? Does Maryland actually have any shot at an NCAA bid? What does this game say about the state of the rivalry? The story was never put into big-picture terms.

 

Thanks so much for the feedback.

I've certainly had trouble with this "wordy"-ness issue in the past, so it's good someone else pointed it out so I can confront it head on.

Brevity is the soul of wit, I suppose.

As for the rest, I also appreciate that. Although every game story is different, I think I'm still trying to lock down a basic template for how they are written, so come deadline time it's automatic. Again, appreciate the insight and feedback.

 

Versatile did a good job of breaking this down, but one thing I noticed off the bat was a grammatical error in the lede.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA - Maryland Terrapins coach Mark Turgeon’s trademark candor was on display Saturday when trying to explain his team’s stunning second half collapse during their 71-44 loss to the Virginia Cavaliers.

The word "their" is referring to "team." I know that a team is made up of individuals, but the word "team" is singular, so "its" would have been the correct word to use there.

Same thing goes when not using a mascot.

"Maryland has now lost four of ITS last six games."

OR

"The Terrapins have lost four of THEIR last six games."

With the exception of the Miami Heat, OKC Thunder, Utah Jazz, Tulsa Golden Hurricane and a few others, "their" when referring to a team is grammatically correct when the mascot is used because, well, most end in the letter "s." I know some editors don't like using mascots, at least not more than once, but you get the point.

It seems so basic, but it can take a while for it to come naturally. Just be conscious of it when writing for a while and it will sink in.

 

And consult your copy desk chief on those teams. Most places make even singular nicknames plural nouns for the sake of consistency.