Running dirty joke thread

Three female vampires walk into a bar...

Bartender asks the first one what she'll have: "A shot of O-negaive please."
Bartender asks the second one what she'll have: "I'll have an AB martini."
Bartender asks the third one what she'll have: "Just a glass of real hot water."

Bartender makes sure he heard her right, "Hot water?"

"Yeah," she says, "I'm the designated driver."

And she pulls out her tampon: "It's tea time!"

 

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

PS - Nice sig, 101. Also:
In this world, there's two kinds of people: those with a rope around their neck and those who cut them down.

 

This one's not really dirty and has been on this board before ...

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. He's a national hero. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

 

It's not dirty, but...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross & disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell? "

 

William Hung ... isn't.