RIP Gus Triandos

[/Herc and Carver on a stakeout]

Herc: Anyone I want?
Carver: Anybody.
Herc: I want more than one. I want the Olsen twins.
Carver: You got em. Slaves. All they live for is to get you off. But so now who are you gonna do for them? One guy, one act, one time.
Herc: Right. And the minute I name a guy, you are gonna be like, "I knew you were a cocksucker from the first time I laid eyes on you. Steve McQueen, huh? That's your fantasy? You fucking closet case motherfucker. No.
Carver: Steve McQueen?
Herc: Fuck you. It's a set up.
Carver: Both Olsen twins. Ashley. Kate.
Herc: Mary Kate. And yeah, I admire their body of work.
Carver: They are yours. All you gotta do is name a guy.
Herc: [/thinking] I'm not catching, I'm pitching?
Carver: No problem.
Herc: Can't it just be like this unbearable looking woman? You know, like that old tune from the Golden Girls? The short one with the coke bottle glasses?
Carver: Guy.

[/Skip ahead to outside the car]

Herc: How about a handjob?
Carver: My man, you don't even get Weezie Jefferson for a handjob.

[/Skip ahead to police station]

Herc: Mary Tyler Moore, buck naked, open the door, here I come, drop my attache case down, bend her over, giver to her on the ottoman, and she's like, "Ohhhhh Rob. Ohhhhhh Rob."
Carver: Who's Rob?
Herc: From the show.
Carver: Done.
Herc: Mary Kate and Ashley. Don't wanna say. Just accept what other bitch is on my mind right now.
Carver: Anybody else?
Herc: Yeah, Dozerman's girl, what's her name? She's baked in a cake. Naked. White flower splotches all over her fine brown skin. I come in, in a chef's cap, nothing else on. Johnson out to here and say, "That's no way to stir a batter. Here, let me try to.

[/Dozerman walks by]

Herc: Hey, Doze. What's up?
Carver: Done. Now the guy?
Herc: This is a hard one for anybody to understand. I mean, it’s got nothing to do with sex. It’s about sympathy; it’s about giving a guy a break.
Carver: Yeah OK. OK.
Herc: Gus Triandos.
Carver: Who is Gus Triandos?
Herc: He was a catcher with the Orioles back in the day. My brother had his card. Sorry looking motherfucker. I mean, he looked like this little kid who got left at a bus station by his parents. You know why? Because he had to catch Hoyt Wilhelm’s knuckle ball five fucking years. The worst gig in baseball. It was like trying to catch a greased pig with wings. I mean, he even told a reporter once, ‘Wilhelm nearly ruined me.’ Gus Triandos. Big, slow guy.
Carver: Good choice.
Herc: Alright, say it. I know you want to say it.
Carver: Say what? There's nothing to say.
Herc: Nothing?
Carver: You put a lot of thought into it. It's cool.
Herc: OK. Go ahead. Call me a cocksucker. You know you want to.
Carver: Excuse me?
Dozerman [/getting into car next to them]: You know, I actually looked up the stats on Gus Triandos. Power hitter, right?

[/Dozerman and Carver laugh]

Herc: Fuck the both of you.

 

That is the perfect to Gus Triandos' life. ... I'd have no idea who he is, if it hadn't been for Herc and Carver.